gwenny

I am sitting here on the floor, looking at the giant to-do list of everything I need to do, my first weekend that I'm clear-headed and not messed up or hungover in quite a while, and all I can do is keep finding whatever source of procrastination I can to avoid these things. Some things are big, some are little, but all of them seem totally insurmountable. It's not even a question of breaking things down into doable chunks---I can do that, but I still can't seem to just DO THE FIRST VERY SIMPLE SMALL THING. I just feel this *immense* resistance to it. Normally this would be the point at which I'd run out and get some beer. Instead, I'll take whatever distraction I can get. Instead of writing a simple email or opening a difficult document that I need to work on, I would rather: cook something, make coffee, go for a walk, check Facebook for the 23982702358497234th time today, look through old photos, clean the bathroom, post on SR, call a friend, go to a meeting, stare at the wall.

I think I am so uncertain about what life looks like when I actually follow through on commitments and maybe even contribute something to the world that every bit of resistance I have against those things is kicking into high gear. But this is not how I want to live. I know I have a lot more to offer than sitting on the floor staring at the wall, but it's sure hard to trust that, and give it anything resembling a fighting chance.

Gilmer

I was all set to be all perky and encouraging, but I'm doing the very same thing right now. I've got a big paper to write, and here I am, scanning and scanning the forum for new posts! The only thing I can suggest (and this is a personal preference)--I pray about it the night before, then set my alarm for unnaturally early in the morning. I have much greater fortitude and energy early in the morning before anybody else is up.

IWillWin

Gwenny - I can sooooo relate to your post! I'm at almost 8 months sober and I too find myself immobilized some days (like today!) and staring at the wall. I'm a confident, accomplished person with a job that requires multi tasking every single day but making the decision to (and actually do!) laundry seems totally insurmountable for some reason.

I get it. I wish I had an answer for us both but I don't. Hopefully someone else will post some advice we can use. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

gwenny

Thanks Gilmer---I know, the creative work I have to do feels even more impossible. I have papers I (really, really) need to write too, and I am just totally paralyzed with an inability to even think about working on them. It wasn't any better when I was drinking---I was still procrastinating like it was my job---but to have this more acute awareness of the banal idiocy of such procrastination is possibly even more frustrating. At best all I can manage is the simplest of tasks. I feel very self-congratulatory that I paid my phone bill earlier today, for example.

Gilmer

Me, too! I was patting myself on the back for balancing my checkbook yesterday!

gwenny

Hahaha, yep!! If I manage to finish my (ridiculously simple) taxes tonight I will have to refrain from throwing myself a parade.

Coldfusion

For major projects, I find it helpful to consult an astrological timetable. April 11 and 12 were good days to start projects; such favorable conditions do not occur again until May 11 and 12; but April 16 and 17 are good days to plant above-ground crops or pollinate and the full moon on April 25 is always a big influence.

It's okay to feel worthless during lunar void cycles.

gwenny

Thanks Coldfusion---I pay attention to astrology too, and was hoping to get a good bump from that new moon (especially after the full moon last month, which got me a nasty breakup and kicked out of my house, among other things!) but not much so far. I want a t-shirt that says "It's okay to feel worthless during lunar void cycles."

IWillWin

I just managed to fold my laundry. I do feel like a parade is in order. Lol!

I wonder if this is just what happens to people and I was too busy being drunk to notice my procrastination. Actually, I used to run around like the energizer bunny on weekends and do chores like superwoman - with a really big buzz! I now realized that although I thought I was wonderful the half-assed way most chores turned out was not quite superwoman caliber.

I'd much rather have it feel like climbing a mountain but actually do it right. Instead of forgetting where I put socks or placing shirts in the underwear drawer.

Ahhhh...life on life's terms.

courage2

Wow! This topic is sooo right up my alley. I'm almost 4 months sober, and have a WHOPPER of a work job to clean up (neglected for a drunken year, large legal issue, blah blah blah) -- and here I am, posting!

Really though, right now on a sunny Sunday I'm at my office, and have actually worked on this job today for the first time. Not, however, without playing about 3000 games of computer solitaire over the last couple of months and generally making myself physically sick just thinking of tackling the job.

Why so much reluctance to work? Mostly fear of failure, I think. I mean, if I fail as a sober person, what does that say about me?

How did I manage to start working today? -- well I've been taking baby steps up to it -- I've actually told a few people about my work problems and anxiety, and asked (gently) for help, and talked about it quite a bit w/my AA sponsor. That kind of has put it out in the open.

I can only offer you these two grains of advice: talk to other people about your problems, and ask for help. Maybe someone to sit beside you while you work? And go easy on yourself -- on my first sober weekend, finding sanity and keeping sober was the only work I could handle!

gwenny

IWillWin, I love thinking of it in terms of "climbing the mountain right." I have had a few years of climbing the mountain drunk, and I just seem to break my legs and miss all the good views.

Thanks for the tips, Courage---I think it would be super helpful to talk to someone IRL about all this, but some of these things (the Big Projects) are SO big and I have put them off for SO long. I still need to find a home meeting and find a sponsor, but I think it will help when I can do that. (I love that King Lear quote!)

courage2

Glad to be a little help, gwenny -- believe me, telling other people about my work issues has NOT been easy.

One more tip: I'm doing some writing in Starbucks, about 2 hours whenever I can. Don't know why it helps, but it does. (Odd, 'cause I'm not a *$ fan, but there it is.)