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Old 04-13-2013, 08:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Enough bad experiences


Hi everybody. Coming to this forum/website is my first step/attempt at getting help with my drinking. Mostly I'm just looking to hear encouraging words from anyone who can offer them.

I work at a bar. We are all allowed to drink on shift, even the owners do. I can't even count how many times I've left work while blacked out. My hangovers are completely debilitating. I want to stop drinking while I'm at work... Every day that I wake up with a hangover, I of course SWEAR I'm never drinking again, and I feel confident that I won't all the way up until I get there and someone offers me a shot or a customer pisses me off. Its like I instantly forgot that I was planning on NOT having anything to drink. I have a really high tolerance, that's likely something typical for alcoholics? I probably drink 8+ shots of straight alcohol in a few hours.

I do not plan on leaving my job, so that suggestion is obvious and helpful but won't happen. The other night when I worked I came home around 5 am and then woke up at 8 am in my car in the street. I have pets who were waiting for me all night at home and needed to be let out...I'm a terrible pet mom for this.

Another reason I need to quit drinking is because I don't like who I am when I've been drinking. I'm uber friendly and social and nice to people... yes it helps me earn tips but it leaves the door open to getting hit on, asked out, etc. I want that to stop happening as well. I feel like men are opportunists and see and or know when I'm drunk and they take advantage of that. Then I hate myself for days afterwards for letting myself be treated in this way. (I'm just a bartender, not a stripper, lol).

The only thing I REALLY care about in life is being healthy and in shape... quite the oxy moron isn't it?! I go to the gym 5+ days a week, I would go more if it didn't work against my goals. I spend hundreds a month on supplements, hundreds more on eating every healthy meal perfectly throughout my day. I can't quite figure out why its this ONE part that I can't stop... its the most harmful thing to my fitness progress yet I still continue to do it. Spend hours in the gym......then just reverse all my hard work and dedication with one night of over drinking. I feel so much hate for doing this to myself over and over.

No one knows that I have a problem except me, and I've tried telling a couple of people but they don't believe me. Its like they have some predisposed idea in their minds of what an alcoholic is supposed to look like and act like, and I don't fit the bill? Then they tell me that I don't have a problem and it could be worse/its not that bad.

I don't know what else to say. I don't drink every day (I Used to though) but more like a couple times a week. But its enough to send me into a depression because I black out so bad that I literally forget talking to people or making promises to do something for someone. I don't even remember getting ready for work the other day because I started drinking early... the next day I found pictures of my phone that I took of myself and I was so relieved to know that I left the house dressed and with makeup on. Damn, that's sad.

If anyone has any encouraging words that I might be able to remember to tell myself before I'm tempted to drink next time, I would really appreciate it. Thanks to everyone who read this.
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Old 04-14-2013, 04:19 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Welcome to SR!!

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Originally Posted by Datro View Post
The only thing I REALLY care about in life is being healthy and in shape... quite the oxy moron isn't it?! I go to the gym 5+ days a week, I would go more if it didn't work against my goals. I spend hundreds a month on supplements, hundreds more on eating every healthy meal perfectly throughout my day. I can't quite figure out why its this ONE part that I can't stop... its the most harmful thing to my fitness progress yet I still continue to do it. Spend hours in the gym......then just reverse all my hard work and dedication with one night of over drinking. I feel so much hate for doing this to myself over and over.
Actually, this makes sense to me... I've noticed in my case, reflecting back, ironically I took to drinking because I am a perfectionist and I wanted to be in control. Any feelings that I did not want to feel, or even just did not want to feel at that particular moment, drowned. Instant death sentence, no trial Just was it all away, I don't like that feeling, good-bye.

Of course it doesn't work and the cost always ends up higher than the benefit.

It's the classic cycle... you drink, which makes you ashamed/hateful, but you still don't like feeling those feelings so you drink to get rid of them.

Anyway not sure if that's you but I know it's true for a lot of us. One of the most important things in this process so far for me has been to just look discomfort in the face. I had to realize that if I can go through everything booze put me through (horrible, terrible hangovers; crippling anxiety; my poor, poor bank account; obsessing over my next drink; trying to keep secrets) then I can definitely handle the sober pain and frustration of daily life.

When I feel something I want to escape from, I focus on it, examine it, ask myself if it's real. If so, what can I do to change it and when will I do that? If not, then I wait for the feeling to pass. It never takes as long as a night of drinking and a day of recovery would.
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Datro ~ The only one who knows if you have a problem with alcohol is you....and if it's causing you this much pain in your life, it sounds like it's time to let it go.

If you want to, make the decision to stop. I can't think of anything else that will prevent you from picking up that first drink next time....make the decision, and then you can utilise all of the help available to help you stay stopped.

There is a ton of love and support here, glad you found us!

Venus xx
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Your work environment is going to make this an uphill battle....and driving drunk it is dangerous to yourself and others..you are blacking out.
I don't understand how you keep up appearances. Booze is going to ruin your body and your looks faster than anything else.
I hope that come to the fork in the road and choose a path that will help you feel better. Alcohol depresses me too.
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Old 04-14-2013, 11:45 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I am good about the gym and eating healthy as well, however, the alcohol needs to go. I am working on that now too.
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Old 04-14-2013, 11:55 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You have some tough decisions. If working at the bar was the thing that was preventing me from getting sober. I personally would quit. But you have to decide what lengths you are willing to go to get and stay sober.

Maybe you have not hit bottom yet or are not completely desperate enough.

I was going to die from this illness which i believe it is. I had to make some tough decisions to save my life.

I am also an addict, if I want to stay clean I have to stay away from the drug dealers house too. If you go to the barbershop everyday eventually you are gonna get a haircut.

Same with the bars, eventually you will drink .
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Old 04-14-2013, 12:25 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Strive to be the best Pet-Mom you can be. Many of us have been helped along in recovery by the unwavering love of our beloved pets.
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Old 04-14-2013, 12:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Hello and welcome to this great (and potentially life saving) resource!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Datro View Post
I work at a bar. We are all allowed to drink on shift, even the owners do. I can't even count how many times I've left work while blacked out.
Ever watch that show "Bar Rescue"? This bar sounds like it needs to be rescued! You boss/bar owner is running a SERIOUS risk of loosing their entire business if one of their employees plows into someone and kills them!! This attitude of the bar has to stop!

Quote:
My hangovers are completely debilitating. I want to stop drinking while I'm at work... Every day that I wake up with a hangover, I of course SWEAR I'm never drinking again, I probably drink 8+ shots of straight alcohol in a few hours.
Holy cow! I could barely handle 8 beers!! Anyhow, if and when you decide to quit, I strongly recommend you work with your dr for a detox program. That amount of alcohol is very high!!

Quote:
I do not plan on leaving my job, so that suggestion is obvious and helpful but won't happen. The other night when I worked I came home around 5 am and then woke up at 8 am in my car in the street.
Are you drinking and driving? You really need to sit yourself down and if you can't control yourself then please, please don't put others at risk! Get another way home!

Quote:
The only thing I REALLY care about in life is being healthy and in shape... quite the oxy moron isn't it?!
Why yes, yes it is But seriously, even though you might look great and have tone and muscle mass etc, your inerds are slowly getting eroded by the quantity of alcohol you are consuming.

I am glad that you have posted here. You seem to know (and have known) that you have a problem with alcohol. This is the first step, but now you need to accept that you have a problem. Please don't let a serious car accident in an impaired state be your "bottom". Take action now!! Get sober and be well!!

Please use this board for help, support and information. We all want you to succeed in your sobriety but you have to take action now!!

All the best!
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Old 04-14-2013, 12:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I agree with everyone who has told you that all your healthy eating and exercise will be all for naught if you keep drinking the way you are. Drinking ages a person tremendously. I would suggest giving up a day at the gym and going to an AA meeting. Also I don't see how you are going to ever stop drinking so much if you work at a bar. That is just my opinion though.

Your drinking and driving is a big concern as well as your neglect of your pets. I think you need to take a good hard look ay your life and make some decisions. You have recognized that you have a problem. Now is the time to take some action.
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Old 04-14-2013, 12:57 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hi and welcome. It's interesting that we do such interesting things but don't recognize what's happening in our lives. I call it denial and after years of not drinking still have to deal with it occasionally. Congratulations on your being able to recognize your problem. I never thought I was “that bad” that I had to stop things that I liked to do. After joining AA it was pointed out to me that slippery situations probably would lead us to drink again. Being emotionally immature during that period, as so many of us are I did things my way. Guess what happened? After a period of being sick and tired suggestions were followed, it's been successful for over 30 years. For me it started with a simple prayer to a higher power, and I wasn't nor am today a religious person, to help me get sober. Haven't had a drink since that moment. Many have a negative view of AA and my response is it works if we work it and has for millions. Life is so good now as compared to the drinking days. BE WELL
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Old 04-19-2013, 01:09 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I want to thank everyone as whole right off the bat for posting here and everything that was said, I found something useful, so thank you.

Last night was my first night back to work, so it had been 7 days since I last drank. I had to repeat to myself throughout the entire day, "I will not drink tonight." Well, I did not have a drink last night. It was hard. It was right in front of me for 4 hours straight, and thoughts kept popping up, like, "if I Just have one, that won't be a failure, really, because I'm not going to get drunk, and not getting drunk is really my goal..." but thankfully I was able to remain in the clear, because my next thought would be, "ok, you know yourself...if you justify having 1, you'll do the same for another, and soon you'll be 3, 4, 5+ shots in and there's no coming back from that." I feel great today. Next time I work is tomorrow and right now I feel confident that I'll be able to not drink again.

One difficult aspect was that my coworkers kept commenting about my mood. I heard things like, "what's your deal..." and "what's with the attitude" and "why are you in such a bad mood." ............ I said "MIND YOU I am NOT drinking tonight and it feels a little different so I'm sorry if I'm not prancing around like you expect me to."

I want to specifically thank fantail for stating the following: "I had to realize that if I can go through everything booze put me through (horrible, terrible hangovers; crippling anxiety; my poor, poor bank account; obsessing over my next drink; trying to keep secrets) then I can definitely handle the sober pain and frustration of daily life." That's exactly what I did.... Are 4 hours of sober work dealing with difficult peer pressure and difficult drunk customers REALLY as bad as how I feel after drinking??? No...I'd rather push through the challenge than have personal setbacks and feelings of guilt and deathly hangovers.

DryRoast Jim: I did not do anything special to detox...just stopped. I think I did ok. Its been over a year since I've gone longer than 4 days without drinking (and even then was for surgery, so its been probably more like many years before that really). My stepdad died because he didn't detox with the help of a doctor, and I should've taken that into consideration but because I am so healthy otherwise I foolishly assumed I would be ok, and thank goodness I am!

As far as AA goes, I don't think I would go. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder over 10 years ago and at times it is debilitating in that sense, that I would not go to a public meeting. It is also the cause of most of my drinking.

thanks
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Old 04-19-2013, 01:15 PM   #12 (permalink)
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As far as AA goes, I don't think I would go. I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder over 10 years ago and at times it is debilitating in that sense, that I would not go to a public meeting. It is also the cause of most of my drinking.

thanks
Great to hear you have quit and made it through the night at work, that must have been tough. Great job on the days sober as well.

Regarding your last statement, you may want to give a meeting a shot. And I'm not an AA member so i'm unbiased by any recovery method. If you can stand in front of a crowd in a bar, you'll have absolutely no issue with an AA meeting in regards to your anxiety - I can almost guarantee that. You might learn something too, never say never!
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Old 04-19-2013, 03:38 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I told a few friends I thought I had a drinking problem and they all told me I didn't because I didn't fit the stereotype. It's sad when you are looking for support and sharing something very personal, and someone you trust trivializes it. The good thing is that you don't have to justify your self to anyone. Most people who don't suffer from addiction will never understand you. Do whats right for you and life gets much better.
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