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I can not help to wonder...

Old 04-19-2013, 05:08 AM
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I can not help to wonder...

Here I am, age 54 and 62 days Sober. At times my mind races in thought. If only I would have got this Sober thing when I was younger. Oh...how many have tried. Family and the USMC even sent me off for 6 week rehab stint that didn't stick. I often wonder the physical and mental toll the booze must have taken over the years. In recent days I seem to be motivated then I'm not, irritated then calm. Like today, a Friday of all days. A day that use to mean a pre-meditated drunk strike. I feel on edge with needles, didn't want to get up. I can not help to wonder if my past is so embedded in my soul that this is why I feel the way I do. Only and finally to convince myself to get up and go for a run. Now irritated by my puppy Boxer who seems anxious for attention. It seems to come and go these feelings. I often wonder if I only listened to what I was told earlier in life that my life could not help to be different today. Perhaps I would have more patience. A message to the youngers...who may realize they have a drinking problem...you are fortunate and blessed, you can do something about it today. "It" only gets progressively worse. I can not help to wonder does anyone else feel this way? And with hope today I go forward with God's promise that he will restore what the locust have stolen. Stay Sober my friends.
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:26 AM
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Congrats on 62 days!

Originally Posted by Goose1 View Post
If only...
The "what ifs..." and "if only..." are recovery killers. Don't go there. You are sober now. That's all that matters.

You are in early recovery. It will get better. I'm soon to be 57 and blessed to be clean and sober for 30 months.

The only what if that sometimes plagues me is, "What if I didn't get sober when I did." Makes me grateful that I am.

Good luck.
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:28 AM
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Congratulations...your past got you here today...posting and helping others.
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:29 AM
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Thanks for the reminder Goose. I needed that. I'm 33 and getting sober but still suffer from the delusion of "I'll just have a couple" and there I go again. I've known for years that I have a problem but have been unwilling to accept the amount of effort I have to put into sobriety. I make excuses and because I don't drink everyday and have my house, car, job etc that I'm not that bad.

Well it stops here. I am an alcoholic and I know iin the deepest part of me that it is the truth. I have a disease. Its chronic, progressive and fatal and there is no cure.

No more excuses. Day 2 for me.

We can do this Goose. The misery of drinking is too much and we don't have to live like that anymore.

Take care
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Old 04-19-2013, 05:36 AM
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You can still have a very beautiful life, Goose1. I did not have the wisdom or discipline when I was younger. Do I wish I had gotten sober many years ago? Yes. Do I appreciate that I finally "got it" and can live the rest of my life peacefully and joyfully....YES!! Lots of people get sober when they are older. You are not alone.

I ditto doggone's "what if" sentiment. If I hadn't gotten sober when I did, I might not be here to post this. You are still in early days.....it gets way better!
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Old 04-19-2013, 06:07 AM
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55 here. What they said.
Thanks for sharing.
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Old 04-19-2013, 06:13 AM
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I was talking with my sponsor and saying similar things. Then I was asked if the alcohol was still giving me the effect I wanted. Yes, was the answer, then I was told, "You weren't done, yet."

*sigh* I guess we stop when we stop.

Don't keep looking back, look forward from today.

Big hugs,
~SB
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Old 04-19-2013, 06:16 AM
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CONGRATULATIONS on 62 days!

I am 42 and I wonder the same thing. It is all good though! You are doing it NOW. Imagine if you were just a drunk 54 year old.
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Old 04-19-2013, 07:25 AM
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Goose, some of the feelings you are having are a result of being at 2 months sober. I am at 10 months and feel so much more emotionally stable than I was at 2 months. My anxiety, depression, state of mind are so much better now. Keep on the course and hopefully the good days will far outweigh the bad ones. Plus, at 54 you are in no way old. Do you exercise? That was a tremendous help for my anxiety, depression when I quit.
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Old 04-19-2013, 07:35 AM
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Way to go on 62 days Goose. I am also 54. And have the same remorse over not stopping & realizing the signs of alcoholism much sooner in my life...'if only if'..a constant ringing in my mind. I have over 2 years now. Although life is far from perfect, I no longer have the obsession to drink as alcohol has robbed so much from life... financially, emotionally, spiritually. I now struggle with living life on life's terms as my last bout with alcohol led me to rehab and then I had to do jail time for a 3rd DUI. This also took my driving privileges away for 10 years--something I struggle with on a daily basis. Yes, to the younger ones out there...stop before this happens to you. Like me, I thought, 'no, this can't happen to me'...rehab. jail loss of freedom, but it did. As for our age & regrets, I have often heard.."I didn't get here when I should, I got here when I could."...
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Old 04-19-2013, 08:31 AM
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Thanks for the feedback everyone. It is always awesome to hear from both who are young and older in your Sobriety. Simply taken "I have today and I am Sober." As long as I remain Sober I must remind myself of a saying, at times "not every day is good, but there is something good in everyday." I'm thinking sometimes we or I want things right now, but don't realize there is a process to Sobriety. One thing I need to remind myself about is if I don't get everything that I want. I should think about the things I don't get that I don't want. Many of you mention those non-wants and things I no longer get that come with the drunkeness; anxiety, depression, DUI's (been there), jail, the effect, embarassments, I think the list goes on and on. In truth, being Sober today is certainly a better way to live. Just have to remember the good things that come with it. I do exercise Duane, but not nearly enough. I need to do more, PT always makes me feel 10x better. Getting my mind right to PT is the trick. Thanks again for helping me to stay on the right side of the fence.
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Old 04-19-2013, 08:57 AM
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I am nearly 45 and wonder these things as well, honestly I wonder about both, ‘what if I had quit earlier’ and then sometimes the opposite ‘What if I am hardwired as a drinker, after all, it’s all I’ve done my entire adult life’.

Obviously these two thought patterns conflict with each other, one wants to be free from alcohol while the other might be contemplating a drink.

In very early sobriety I was tortured by these conflicting thoughts but after 2 years of not a drop of alcohol things are much better, there are times (like these last few days) when I allowed myself to start the stinking thinking, when I get tired and/or hungry this can happen more often.

Right now I need to pull together my strengths and remember why I quit, I seen your post and I just wanted to chime in, just know that others too share your thoughts, even though I am 10 years younger than you, I too feel like I have wasted my youth at times, but then again we are molded by our experiences.

“We are not limited by our old age; we are liberated by it“ ~ Stu Mittleman

Hang in there, things get better every day!
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Old 04-19-2013, 02:40 PM
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I figure my life and I turned out the way we were meant to be...

I have regrets, but I've done more for myself and for others in the last 6 years than the 20 before them.

I'm grateful for the bad stuff in my life as well as the good because it strengthened me, it made me a lot wiser and it bought me to where I am now - and thats a good place

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