NotSoIvory

I feel that I am scum. Don't like myself. Returning after a 2 month relapse. I made it to 2 weeks last time. That seems to be be give-in point, I would like to change that, but I'm not having a whole lot of confidence that I can. I feel like a failure. I don't think I have persevered in anything I have ever set out to do. I start to envy "normal drinkers" and think I should be able to do it too and that I'm losing out on something. I am frustrated for continuing to drink and lose control of my behaviors and thoughts. I wish I could be normal and healthy and stay that way. I wish I could drink like a normal person. In my head, for some reason it is so much fun! But really, it doesn't usually end up that way. Made a jerk out of myself again last night. Pretty majorly. sigh. I am so full of anger! And so many other negative emotions... Anxiety, fear, sadness, remorse... I am starting to get tension lines between my eyebrows. My memory is pretty shot. I am a mess.
My husband hasn't spoken to me in a couple of weeks until recently, just to tell me I am manipulative and have my head up my @ss. Complaining that when I am drinking, he can't even hold a simple conversation with me. Now, I want to be angry about that, for speaking to me so disrespectfully, but he's probably right. It's hard to hear yourself described like that. Our relationship is extremely volatile. A roller coaster ride for the last 10 years. Don't live together anymore. It often "drives" me to drink, but EVERYTHING drives me to drink. Who am I kidding? I drink when I'm happy, when I'm sad, angry, bored...
Daily, in my head, It's this constant obsession, nagging me, constant fight and internal argument, and constantly changing my mind back and forth whether or not to drink, as if the facts had changed somehow. It never EVER stops! All day, every day!

trachemys

You might could use medical help. Talk to your doctor. Welcome to the lifeboat.

NotSoIvory

:/ I do not have health insurance.

Dee74

There are a lot of free or low cost clinics around - if there's one in your local area you might get some medical advice there?

Free/Low-Cost/Sliding-Scale Clinics
2-1-1 Call Center Search

You;re not scum either. You just haven't found a way to make recovery permanent yet.

What's your support like NotSoIvory?

D

NotSoIvory

Don't have a whole lot of support. My immediate family lives with me tends to enable me a lot. When I don't drink, I tend to be a little antisocial, and they like to sit outside and smoke and chat. My brother drinks nearly every day. Last time, I asked him to quit for the sake of my recovery, since he lives in my home. He drank more covertly after that. My husband said he would be there for me, but isn't really. I think he means well, but he just doesn't seem to have much time for me and he doesn't fully understand. My mom was encouraging when I asked her for her support last time, reminding me how much money I was saving and such. I have this site. I keep telling myself I should attend the Monday women's meeting.

NotSoIvory

Thank you for the resources, Dee.

kiki26

I could of written this a few months ago. I hated myself so much when I drank. I hated that everyone else could go out and be normal but I couldn't. All I know is while things haven't magically fixed themselves since I quit, they have gotten a whole lot better. I don't wake up hating myself anymore. And it feels good. There is a ton of support here, and it really makes you feel by so alone. Glad your here

Goose1

You have within you NSI to make it Stop. Your words tell a story of truth in what your drinking is doing to you. The negative feelings stand out to me, cause I was there. Drinking changes our thoughts and feelings. You say you "relapsed." That means you must of had some time Sober before. I use to binge drink a day or two at a time, I can relate to what you are going through right now. Honestly, don't listen to your "addictive voice," it is the voice in your head that is nagging you. At first, I had the same voice constantly telling me I could handle the booze. Then - one day at a time I learned to use my "God" to put it to rest. Start by telling that voice, it can have a drink in 100 years. It will listen and not bother you so much, God promises. Then hit your knees and give all those negative feelings, embarrassments, anger and drunkenness to God. He'll take them from you. You have to start somewhere, start by getting a day, then two and three days of Sobriety. Find a support group, every single person involved in alcohol recovery understands you! We can't go on like this, it either leads to jail or our death. Stop and you will get your relationships back. Our addictive behavior with booze is like being in a jail cell with the key on the inside. Unlock the cell NSI and set yourself "FREE". You can do it. I did it 56 days ago and I was right were you are at. I'm thinking I was worse. I would stand at the bars and would wake up with pulled calf muscles from standing there so long. I'd be kicked out of one only to go to another. I don't even know how mind could have handle my work. But then again, Yes I do. God seen something in me that he allowed me to save myself. God see's something in you also, you are here and recognize what the poison does to you. It is a poison to you NSI. It is time NSI It is time to restore your life. Can't wait to hear from you. I'm praying for you.

Dee74

I think finding more support would really help

D

NotSoIvory

What kind of medical help is there for an alcoholic?

2granddaughters

Have you given AA a call?? AA's worked for me for nearly 24 yrs.

All the best.

Bob R

silentrun

I had a lot of those same negative emotions right before I quit drinking. It took about 6 weeks to get some relief. 2 weeks isn't nothing. I have tried to quit smoking several times and always relapse. Each time I get a little further because I am started to learn where the landmines are.

NotSoIvory

Goose, What is NSI? I much prefer to think that I have what it takes to stop somewhere inside of me, rather than I am incapable of doing it without medical help. I am not sure what sets me apart from another alcoholic that has been able to quit with a good support system rather than one that needs medical help?

Dee74

NSI = not so ivory

I don't think there needs to be a distinction.

I think everyone should consult a medical professional. Not everyone has problems but detox can sometimes be problematic and none of us know beforehand which way we're likely to go.

I think everyone needs support too - whether it's AA or some other recovery group, or counseling , or SR - recovery is about more than just managing physical symptoms.

D



D

Nonsensical

Me, too, sometimes. But when you think about it, the ability to conquer an addiction is a much more valuable life skill than being a social drinker.

Sister, I know all about that! I had that argument raging in my head for decades. It's almost all gone now, and it didn't take a doctor or meetings - it all came from within me; once I had the knowledge I needed. I acquired that knowledge over in the Secular Recovery forum. You might want to check it out.

Best of Luck!

Hevyn

Hi NotSoIvory. I'm glad you came back to give it another try. We all understand how difficult & confusing it is.

That was the hardest thing for me - to admit I could never drink socially. I regret so much wasting all that time trying to manage it. I don't know what I thought I was missing out on, because in the end all drinking brought me was misery. I think I clung to my early drinking days when I could still control it once in awhile - but those days were long gone, and never coming back. I'm glad you haven't given up on a sober life. You can do it.