I'm crying and I don't know why.
 

Hi all. I am having a bad day here and I don't really know why. I should have just celerated a year sober on 2nd April but I hit a bad time in January and lost track for a while. I am on day 8 today and glad to be back on track. Unfortunately I have to live with the fallout of my drinking life and that is hard sometimes, like today.

I am very isolated (live in the countryside) and whilst great when I was drinking (lots of village pubs and good drinking community), I feel lonley and isolated since I stopped drinking. I got a dog last year and I walk her twice a day but today farmer told me to keep her out of the fields during lambing, no big deal and he was very nice, knows she's well trained, just worried about his stock, but it has really upset me, and I feel the depression coming on, hence the tears.

Getting sober is great but being drunk for so much of my life it still follows me. If I never had drunk my life would be so different. I am glad to be sober now, and have been fighting (and winning) for a number of years, but being sober means I have to see the truth. and that is that I have nothing in my life. Apart from my dog, and now I feel so fed up, just want to take myself and my dog to the nearest pub, life is too bloody hard without anesthetic. sorry to ramble on, not making much sense. Just very unhappy, wanted to let it out and don't want to go to the pub.

a new set of glasses
 

Thanks for sharing your pain. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I have this train of thought that goes something like this: I have had 6 days sober (right now, the number of days varies but never more than a month since I have realized how much of a problem I have 6 or 7 months ago) and nothing has really changed. So, I have quit drinking but nothing has gotten better. Sure I feel better but instead of wasting the day drinking, I wasted it doing something else, so I might as well have been drinking.

Its a very persuasive argument to me, and I am struggling with it mightily right now. But, I know I have no power to make anything better if I choose to drink, and that's what I am holding on to right now. It sounds like you know it too, and it seems so strange to me that the choice to not drink is so damn hard. On paper it makes so much sense.

Guess I am rambling a bit, just wanted to say I heard you and have very similar feelings. Good luck to you, and us all.

Thanks. Yes misterritter I know it makes sense and usually I am so much happier sober but I know what you mean about nothing changing. I did 9 months sober but only took away the drink and didn't add anything to my life. This time round I intend to get it right. but without booze I am an oversensitive wreck and sometimes just earn for the numbing effect of the booze. Think I am just having a bad day. have stopped crying now, maybe I just needed it. thanks for replying.

Sorry to read that you are finding things so hard at the moment. And well done for finding the strength to return to sobriety after your slip. That was no mean feat and I take my hat off to you for doing it. Sometimes life just sucks doesn't it. It feels as though we are trying to do the right thing, and yet it feels as though we're walking through treacle and looking through fog. The human condition they call it. We are all plagued by it. Some of us more than others.

You know that going out and obtaining some alcohol wont change things in your life, but short term you feel that you could have 'a day off' from life, and at times that seems like a mighty fine idea....until you remember why you had to stop doing that. The luxury that normal drinkers have, to crack open a cold one at the end of a stressful day, used to bug the hell out of me. It all seemed to damned unfair. Why me. Why do I have to be, of all things, an alcoholic. I used to listen to people that I worked with explaining how they were going to have a 'good drink' that evening, or at the weekend. And I'd smile through gritted teeth, and hate them for their ability to do so.

That all changed however when I was sat at a train station a couple of years ago and found myself watching a severely disabled teenager, in a wheelchair. He was about 16-18, although it was hard to tell due to his distorted body. It suddenly dawned upon me that no matter when I thought of him in the years ahead I would know with total certainty that he would be sat in that wheelchair and totally dependent on carers for everything. He'd never ride a bike, go for a walk through country lanes. He'd never have a swim, be able to pick up a phone, go and buy a pair of shoes, make a nice meal, use a computer, take a photograph, go to a concert, tell a joke, have a girlfriend or even go to the toilet on his own.

When I get down, restless, irritable and discontent, and I think that life is really not worth the trouble, his image wafts through my mind and I am put back in to my place again.

We are so God Damned lucky. Never forget it.

I can relate a lot to your post Rachel, especially the part about taking a perfectly reasonable request as a personal affront. It's funny how it's the little things that can push us over the edge. But you know that drinking isn't going to make things better. It's okay to feel that way as well but if things are getting you down there are other things you can do besides drink, and other ways to cure loneliness than going to the pub. I come from the sticks so I know how isolating it can be but there can also be a huge sense of community if you get involved. It's so easy to just go back to what we know but it takes some guts to change our lives. Are there any dog walking groups you can join or do you have any other interests you can get involved with. Also having an honest chat with your doctor wouldn't hurt either if you haven't already. It is natural to feel depressed getting sober but there are things we can do about it x

Rachel, although I have no advice, I just wanted you to know I understand.

Honestly some days someone could say the slightest off comment to me and wow, I'm devastated. I'm well educated, work as a professional, handle a house, am a mum, but one tiny comment and I am in tears.

Keep going, keep sober
xxxx

Rachel, certainly your life would be different, but because of your past you wouldn't have reached half-way around the world and helped me live clean and sober.

I could have done things differently, but again, I wouldn't be right here right now living the best way I know how.

Chin up, I could guarantee, with help from a Dr., minister, or a hotline you could reconnect with an AA member.

Thank you for posting as it helps many to recognize what's bothering us in our daily life. One suggestion I got early on was the fact that many of us handled the big issues in our live fine, it's the broken shoe laces that whack us. BE WELL

Greetings RachelNorth
I'm with you about being sober & miserable. My sponsor told me to give it time coz I've got a lot to deal with. Then someone shared in a meeting that time takes time then I finally got it. If evthg changed @ snap of fingers, then there wouldn't be as many people in recovery around the world. The trick is to go thru the hard stuff w/o pouring a drink over it & saying "I made it"! You mentioned you're out in country kind of alone, so are there no AA meetings around you? Do you have friends or family that are sober that you can confide in?

god, isn't it crazy whn we start to "feel" after stuffing those feelings for so long.

I can absolutely relte and am prayng for yu rght now... for comfort, peace and serenity.

This too shall pass. Feel it, write about it, be of service to others... I find that all helps me... oh, and I get down on my knees and cry out to my God (HP). I'm amazed at how He always provides oppotunities for me to get out of self after I do that.

You are loved and understood, for sure!

I have no advice, just a big :hug: I'm glad you have your dog's company at least. I'd be lost and lonely without my critters.

Hi, thanks everyone, my laptop needed charging and havn't been able to go on for a few hours. But I didn't go to the pub! Feeling lot better, don't know why I got like that but its good to know people understand. Its a long time since I posted and SR has lose none of its goodness. Thanks again. Early night, good cry and tomorrow is another day. But it will be a sober one. thanks.