MeSoSober

So I just spoke with my boyfriend (long distance) for the first time since before (probably during, actually) my last binge. And he's not dumping me -- again.

But this isn't about us. I am frustrated that, being completely honest, HE, and not myself, or my parents, or you guys, or anything else important, is my biggest motivator in terms of not screwing up again. At least for the next few weeks and months. I think I am more motivated by my own well-being when I think long-term, but when I think in terms of the coming weeks and months, I feel he will be the biggest deterrent to my not drinking again, and it should my own concern for myself that is the number-one thing to keep me from drinking. It is not enough for me that I not drink, I want to be not drinking for the right reasons!

Part of me says "Who cares what the biggest motivator is from one moment to the next as long you DON'T DRINK," but another part of me worries that my efforts are doomed to fail if I can't somehow always make MYSELF the number-one reason I quit.

I'm interested in everyone's thoughts but mostly I needed to get that off my chest. It disturbs me. Hell, even if I'M not my biggest motivator, it seems like my parents, and not my boyfriend, should be number two. Of course, I know that my parents will never "break up" with me.

trachemys

Uh, that would be guilt, MeSo. You've been so bad for so long that you don't deserve to be your own prime motivator. You just don't deserve it.

MeSoSober

I don't know. That doesn't sound right, although I should probably defer to your experience here. I'm no narcissist, but I'm not a total self-loather anyway. Except, of course, in the wake of binge. Then I can self-loathe with the best of them.

Well, I'm certainly open to your take -- thank you Trach!

deeker

Me, Try not to think long term, that is why we live 24 hours at a time. We only have today. Today you are doing it for you right? Each day has enough problems of it's own without worrying about what you will be thinking or feeling weeks or months from now.

If you just live in this day and don't drink for this 24 hours you will rack up days of not drinking and if I am right you will not be thinking about quitting at all meaning it will not consume you, it won't be as much of a struggle. This does get easier and you will be thinking about how much you enjoy being sober and you will begin to enjoy it so much that there is no doubt you will want to stay sober for yourself and yourself alone.

trachemys

I guess that didn't sound right. I was in minimum verbosity mode at the moment, sorry.

NO ONE deserves your love more than you and your sobriety is the greatest love you can give to anyone. You just don't think you deserve that much love. Is that better?

Nattythreads

I'll echo Deeker, MeSo.

You do this for yourself - nobody else. You can't claw back a necessary sense of self-respect or self-worth if all your actions are designed with no other intention but to please others.

I wrote a post on the March thread today about self loathing and I'll quote Toots again: If we can't loves ourselves, why should we expect anyone else to?

You know deep down what the answer is here, MeSo.

misterritter

You can easily dismiss this idea if you want, because I no experience in this matter, just a thought.

Maybe it does not matter, like you said, what your motivation right now is. Maybe the key is finding some motivation everyday not to drink. Maybe it is the healthiest thing if you are your own strongest motivation not to drink, so that is something you can work on, if you choose, but I know that one big reason I am trying to stop drinking is that nothing has been changing for the better when I am drinking.

MeSoSober

I just took a quick walk because it is a lovely spring evening here in Virginia. I know what the answer to question is, and it is simple.

If I screw up again, losing him is the most immediate, dire consequence I face. Duh. The ice I am on with him is thin enough that I am afraid that the very next time I mess up again could be the time I fall through. In his defense, he has been dealing with me bingeing and disappearing for years. He hasn't had enough. He's had more than enough.

If I binge again next week, or in a month, my parents are not going to "break up" with me. I do not have a job or children to lose. Me? Well, while anything's possible, The Next Binge is unlikely to be the one to do me in, so I am out as my prime motivator as far as that goes.

Nope, I could binge again tomorrow and I think afterward, most everything else would be the same and I could climb right back up on the horse and start over, and you would all be there for me. But he might be gone. And that is a hell of a motivator not to do it again.

When I think in terms of years and the rest of my life, I DO see myself as a prime motivator--I alluded to this in my first post. But in the short term, it's him, and now that makes sense to me.

But misterritter, what you said is true about "whatever gets you by" in the here and now in terms of motivation I think has to be enough also.

I have something to learn from each and every one of you and am grateful for every post here. THANK YOU and hugs to you all.

Incidentally, that little walk I took? There's a liquor store literally one block over and around the corner from mine. I was just too preoccupied with this other stuff to think about drinking, happily.

Thank you ALL again. This place continues to amaze and I am beyond grateful to have found it!

trachemys

Rock on, baby