I'm shy and have lost my social life while sober
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 36
I'm shy and have lost my social life while sober
I've always been kinda shy... not to the total extreme, but enough to interfere with normal social situations in life. Since my teens, I have used alcohol as a crutch, and under the influence, I'm very social. But as the story goes, over the years drinking became a problem. I've quit several times, and my problems with socializing while sober has been my biggest stumbling block.
This time, I've been sober for about 100 days (since Christmas). I pretty much accepted the fact that I probably wouldn't be hanging out with friends anymore, going out with the guys at work, socializing with neighbors, etc; my only social life would be my wife, daughter, and immediate family (and even around the latter, it's sometimes hard while sober).
I haven't called a friend since I've been sober and haven't returned any of their calls. I don't like talking on the phone unless I've had a few drinks, in which case I'm very chatty. Sober, I have no desire to talk to them. I've dodged all the invitations from the guys at work to "grab a few" over lunch or after work. I've dodged a friend's bachelor party and wedding. And on and on.
Most days it doesn't bother me; I just accept the fact that I no longer have a social life, but some days it's very depressing.
I was just at a work conference, where I'm supposed to be networking and making connections. Well, I don't go to any of the social events any more - or if I do, I stand there feeling stupid for an hour and then leave, feeling dejected and depressed. And the next day, people ask, "where were you last night? We had the best time!" And while everyone else has "bonded" from the night before, I just sit there alone and awkward. So I just arrived home, and during the whole return trip, my loneliness and sadness plagued me, and now I'm at home and don't even feel like talking to my wife or daughter.
I've tried to overcome the shyness thing for many years in my life: going to shrinks, joining support groups, reading books, etc. It never worked too well, and to be honest, at this age (40) I no longer feel like trying to fix it. If I couldn't fix it yet in my life, I feel it's unlikely I'll overcome it now.
I'm really not sure what to do anymore. Drink and bear the consequences of it? Or accept that I will have no social life and bear those consequences instead? Neither option is appealing. At times like these, death seems more appealing - and no, I don't have any suicidal ideations, so please don't anyone call the police or report me to whoever. I feel like, "ok, life is going to mostly suck, so can I just fast forward to the end?" I've got to keep going to provide for my family and be a father, but even being a father and husband can be hard when I'm depressed.
Do I hop on the merry-go-round of drinking again, starting slowly so it's not a problem, and then watching it gradually get out of control until 6 months to a year from now I decide having friends isn't worth the pain of drinking? Damn, I'm tired of that ride.
This time, I've been sober for about 100 days (since Christmas). I pretty much accepted the fact that I probably wouldn't be hanging out with friends anymore, going out with the guys at work, socializing with neighbors, etc; my only social life would be my wife, daughter, and immediate family (and even around the latter, it's sometimes hard while sober).
I haven't called a friend since I've been sober and haven't returned any of their calls. I don't like talking on the phone unless I've had a few drinks, in which case I'm very chatty. Sober, I have no desire to talk to them. I've dodged all the invitations from the guys at work to "grab a few" over lunch or after work. I've dodged a friend's bachelor party and wedding. And on and on.
Most days it doesn't bother me; I just accept the fact that I no longer have a social life, but some days it's very depressing.
I was just at a work conference, where I'm supposed to be networking and making connections. Well, I don't go to any of the social events any more - or if I do, I stand there feeling stupid for an hour and then leave, feeling dejected and depressed. And the next day, people ask, "where were you last night? We had the best time!" And while everyone else has "bonded" from the night before, I just sit there alone and awkward. So I just arrived home, and during the whole return trip, my loneliness and sadness plagued me, and now I'm at home and don't even feel like talking to my wife or daughter.
I've tried to overcome the shyness thing for many years in my life: going to shrinks, joining support groups, reading books, etc. It never worked too well, and to be honest, at this age (40) I no longer feel like trying to fix it. If I couldn't fix it yet in my life, I feel it's unlikely I'll overcome it now.
I'm really not sure what to do anymore. Drink and bear the consequences of it? Or accept that I will have no social life and bear those consequences instead? Neither option is appealing. At times like these, death seems more appealing - and no, I don't have any suicidal ideations, so please don't anyone call the police or report me to whoever. I feel like, "ok, life is going to mostly suck, so can I just fast forward to the end?" I've got to keep going to provide for my family and be a father, but even being a father and husband can be hard when I'm depressed.
Do I hop on the merry-go-round of drinking again, starting slowly so it's not a problem, and then watching it gradually get out of control until 6 months to a year from now I decide having friends isn't worth the pain of drinking? Damn, I'm tired of that ride.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: London UK
Posts: 25
I'm in the same boat - drink always led to courage and confidence and I'd be in the middle of whatever was going on - sober me is very shy and introverted. However I think that the drink gives false courage and confidence and I'm looking forward to being able to socialise without the easy option - I know it's going be torture for a long while but I'm hoping to one day glimpse myself in the mirror at a social occasion with all the confidence the in the world but no hangover the next day - I see it as a project that I will have to master and it could take years - but hey it will be well worth it!
Don't give up I think remarkable things are around the corner for you!
Bobby
Don't give up I think remarkable things are around the corner for you!
Bobby
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: London
Posts: 1,384
Sounds like your in mourning or something, listen you have gained sobriety and Lost poisoning yourself. Iam a bit ahead of you at 453 days ,been out with friends and been to a few partys etc, yes it feel strange at times but also it feels cool to be sober why the masses are following each other getting wasted. Years ago it was cool to be wasted and take gear, now I honestly believe it is the opposite and its cool to be sober and rebellious. Grind through these feelings , feel proud of yourself, they have to drink you do not. It gets better and better. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,444
I am less social than I was when I was drinking and I've decided I'm okay with that. Yes, drinking allowed me to get out and socialize but it wasn't worth the price.
However, I don't think you have to sit home. Not all socializing revolves around alcohol. Take a look around your community and try volunteering your time. It'll give you a chance to meet new people without alcohol being involved.
However, I don't think you have to sit home. Not all socializing revolves around alcohol. Take a look around your community and try volunteering your time. It'll give you a chance to meet new people without alcohol being involved.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
I feel you. I am 38 year-old guy. For work I attended many sales conferences in my line of work. They were always a highlight of the year. Get drunk with people from the other offices, stay out late, maybe talk to some cute girls. It was always a party. I actually left that line of work a few months before I went to treatment. I would have no idea how to handle those conferences sober, and I can totally relate to that "left out" feeling. Then you come back feeling bummed.
I'd say just keep to yourself at those things, get back up to the hotel by 9pm, watch a movie and go to bed. You can't fit back in that life. You have to let it go. No need to think about how someday you'll wriggle back into it and be fine, etc....it's a waste of time to even think about it. If you want to continue down this road, it's not going to happen. Quitting drinking for me was like losing an arm. Wishing, wanting, regretting will not bring back one's arm. You have to focus your energy on what you can do with the arm you have left. I am doing my best to socialize, I am opening up to new people and starting to let my old life roll off my shoulders. I thought I was living an "awesome life" but I nearly killed myself eventually with alcohol. No thanks, I'm not going back.
You have to drop a lot of things when you drop the bottle. It's what you pick up in it's absence that's important.
I'd say just keep to yourself at those things, get back up to the hotel by 9pm, watch a movie and go to bed. You can't fit back in that life. You have to let it go. No need to think about how someday you'll wriggle back into it and be fine, etc....it's a waste of time to even think about it. If you want to continue down this road, it's not going to happen. Quitting drinking for me was like losing an arm. Wishing, wanting, regretting will not bring back one's arm. You have to focus your energy on what you can do with the arm you have left. I am doing my best to socialize, I am opening up to new people and starting to let my old life roll off my shoulders. I thought I was living an "awesome life" but I nearly killed myself eventually with alcohol. No thanks, I'm not going back.
You have to drop a lot of things when you drop the bottle. It's what you pick up in it's absence that's important.
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Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Alabama
Posts: 239
I'll chime in as well. Painfully shy growing up, father left us for another woman when I was 12 which made me even more introverted. Didn't have a date until after college. Drinking was the only thing that allowed me to free up, but at what cost?
I only have a few friends, and I have done the same, they have contacted me since I stopped drinking but I feel I have nothing to give to them, so I leave them hanging.
Luckily my wife understands and we do alot of family things with the kids, but I feel lost socially all the time.
No answers from me, but thanks for the thread, it is helpful to hear similar situations and know I'm not alone.
Toss
I only have a few friends, and I have done the same, they have contacted me since I stopped drinking but I feel I have nothing to give to them, so I leave them hanging.
Luckily my wife understands and we do alot of family things with the kids, but I feel lost socially all the time.
No answers from me, but thanks for the thread, it is helpful to hear similar situations and know I'm not alone.
Toss
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
with time
Originally Posted by Cocteau 
my problems with socializing while sober has been my biggest stumbling block.
I have been to this place
and
it takes some time to sort out our new life
what is most important to us today is to
stay sober above all else
these things will work out with time
onehigherpower
and
it takes some time to sort out our new life
what is most important to us today is to
stay sober above all else
these things will work out with time
onehigherpower
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
AA meetings!!!! You will make some of the most meaningful relationships of your life. I have. And have fun staying sober doing social stuff !
They are the same people you hung around with drunk they are just sober now.
They are the same people you hung around with drunk they are just sober now.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 36
Thanks for all the encouragement. I'm feeling slightly better as the night goes on, and tomorrow will be a new day.
I'm thinking I should skip these conferences for a while. There's usually one every three months, and my manager always wants me to go to "network", but every time I leave feeling bad. Even when I was drinking, though I might have had fun, I still usually left feeling bad because it was always a drunken binge with daily hangovers and frequent feelings of "I can't believe I did that last night?!" There are so many "functional" alcoholics doing stupid things at these events - and "what happens at the conference stays at the conference." It's kinda like that movie Cedar Rapids, if you've ever seen it.
When I look at my father, he didn't really have any friends when he got older (40+), so I sometimes think it's normal. I do keep active in other activities outside of work - yoga classes for example - so it's not like I'm hiding in my house all the time. I keep myself busy.
I'm thinking I should skip these conferences for a while. There's usually one every three months, and my manager always wants me to go to "network", but every time I leave feeling bad. Even when I was drinking, though I might have had fun, I still usually left feeling bad because it was always a drunken binge with daily hangovers and frequent feelings of "I can't believe I did that last night?!" There are so many "functional" alcoholics doing stupid things at these events - and "what happens at the conference stays at the conference." It's kinda like that movie Cedar Rapids, if you've ever seen it.
When I look at my father, he didn't really have any friends when he got older (40+), so I sometimes think it's normal. I do keep active in other activities outside of work - yoga classes for example - so it's not like I'm hiding in my house all the time. I keep myself busy.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: SoCal, California
Posts: 990
My story is the opposite.
I was social before I started into drinking regularly. Not a life of the party kinda fellow. Kind of shy actually. But I had friends and we hung out.
As I drank more and more I found friends and a social life just got in the way of my real friend - alcohol.
I went right through the phase of alcohol loosening my tongue in social settings. The phase that follows that is where you make an ass out of yourself but don't even know it.
Hand in hand with that phase is the phase of having to drink any time you want to hang out with people. You start to realize that it's not even you that's hanging out - it's your alter ego - mr. alcohol.
But I left all that behind and just hung out at home with my best buddy - a couple bottles of wine.
Now that I'm newly sober I'm just starting to rebuild a social life. It doesn't come naturally and I now have to work at it and learn those social skills. It can be nerve wracking but I know it will pay off in the long run.
Really? At age 40? What the hey?
You sound depressed to me. I don't know what medical professionals you're seeing but I would encourage you to see some different ones. You won't be able to flip a switch. It will take hard work. But you can make changes to enrich your life.
Alcohol will only isolate you in the long run.
I was social before I started into drinking regularly. Not a life of the party kinda fellow. Kind of shy actually. But I had friends and we hung out.
As I drank more and more I found friends and a social life just got in the way of my real friend - alcohol.
I went right through the phase of alcohol loosening my tongue in social settings. The phase that follows that is where you make an ass out of yourself but don't even know it.
Hand in hand with that phase is the phase of having to drink any time you want to hang out with people. You start to realize that it's not even you that's hanging out - it's your alter ego - mr. alcohol.
But I left all that behind and just hung out at home with my best buddy - a couple bottles of wine.
Now that I'm newly sober I'm just starting to rebuild a social life. It doesn't come naturally and I now have to work at it and learn those social skills. It can be nerve wracking but I know it will pay off in the long run.
to be honest, at this age (40) I no longer feel like trying to fix it. If I couldn't fix it yet in my life, I feel it's unlikely I'll overcome it now.
You sound depressed to me. I don't know what medical professionals you're seeing but I would encourage you to see some different ones. You won't be able to flip a switch. It will take hard work. But you can make changes to enrich your life.
Alcohol will only isolate you in the long run.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
I'm 47 and don't have tons of friends anymore. I actually quit my job cause it just caused me too much stress and I knew I would use it as an excuse to drink again. I know not everyone can do this.
I have 3 really good friends and they support me and my sobriety. It is no uncommon for the dynamics of relationships to change when we quit drinking.
I was able to fix my life at 47 so you can definately do it at 40. It just took me to take years and years of previous thinking and changing it around. And at the end of the day I wanted to fix it. It's really boils down to how badly we want it.
I have 3 really good friends and they support me and my sobriety. It is no uncommon for the dynamics of relationships to change when we quit drinking.
I was able to fix my life at 47 so you can definately do it at 40. It just took me to take years and years of previous thinking and changing it around. And at the end of the day I wanted to fix it. It's really boils down to how badly we want it.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 5
I am shy, 40, and 3 months sober. I can relate to much of this thread. Thanks to all who have posted.
Generally I've been feeling socially less awkward I think due to better mental sharpness. I've cashed in all the benefit alcohol was going to give me. Now hopefully I'll catch a second wind....sober
I really hope you hang in there Coctaeu. Stay strong and ride out this low
Generally I've been feeling socially less awkward I think due to better mental sharpness. I've cashed in all the benefit alcohol was going to give me. Now hopefully I'll catch a second wind....sober
I really hope you hang in there Coctaeu. Stay strong and ride out this low
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by ClearLight
Really? At age 40? What the hey?
You sound depressed to me. I don't know what medical professionals you're seeing but I would encourage you to see some different ones. You won't be able to flip a switch. It will take hard work. But you can make changes to enrich your life.
You sound depressed to me. I don't know what medical professionals you're seeing but I would encourage you to see some different ones. You won't be able to flip a switch. It will take hard work. But you can make changes to enrich your life.
I'm not extremely shy, like hiding in the corner at social events. I do a lot of things you wouldn't expect from a shy person. I manage a large team of people, frequently lead meetings at work, give presentations to very large rooms with experts in my field in the audience, I tend to be very outspoken in groups and usually become the "leader" in any sort of group, heck, I even won "most popular" in school. But when it comes to social situations where "small talk" is the currency, I'm not very good. And though I can navigate most social situations, I frequently feel awkward while doing so. And since my days in high school, I haven't been very good at making new friends.
Depressed? Sure, maybe one day a week. And ecstatically happy maybe one day a week. And somewhere in the middle most of the time.
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Cocteau, I'm similar to you in some ways. I'm a shy extrovert... which means I love being around people I'm comfortable with, but have to put a lot of energy into new friendships.
The one thing that strikes me about the things that you have tried is that they're all aimed at changing you and your personality. Have you tried changing the type of people you're around? Meetup.com is a good resource for meeting people based on hobbies or interests. They're groups that meet regularly to do whatever (hike, practice a skill, talk about a hobby) so they're often a good way to skip right over the small talk and get to know people by talking about your interests over time. I've had mixed results... some groups are just very awkward or unfocused... but I've also made friends that way. Put me in a mingle party and I'm a disaster, but give me a topic to talk about and I'm off and running.
The one thing that strikes me about the things that you have tried is that they're all aimed at changing you and your personality. Have you tried changing the type of people you're around? Meetup.com is a good resource for meeting people based on hobbies or interests. They're groups that meet regularly to do whatever (hike, practice a skill, talk about a hobby) so they're often a good way to skip right over the small talk and get to know people by talking about your interests over time. I've had mixed results... some groups are just very awkward or unfocused... but I've also made friends that way. Put me in a mingle party and I'm a disaster, but give me a topic to talk about and I'm off and running.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Sussex, England
Posts: 945
Ah... It's difficult isn't it... just to slip back into your old life sober! My 40th birthday, I was sloshed and most likely embarrased myself... my 41st birthday, I was sober and couldn't cope with all the drunk people around me, luckily I got a book for my birthday and disappeared into another room to read it ('A Street Cat Named Bob'... good book!) I'm 42 next month, I'm hoping for a happy medium... I've always suffered from anxiety and depression, it's just a card life deals us. Take it day by day... try not to dwell on past bad experiences (my first sober belly-laugh was the best feeling in the world... I never thought I'd laugh again at one point) anything is possible
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 339
I think we need to be careful how we throw out that word friends. I do not see as many people or hang out with as many people as I did when drinking. Dah. Most were not my friends. Yeah they were fun people at times but when the chips were down they were not around. I have started to build new really good friendships and some were people right in front of me that I never really "talked" to. We can discuss our issues openly. It may only be 2-3 people but they love me for who I am and I love them.
Also remember that quitting drinking is not quitting life. I find myself deep into my own self-pity at times and need to snap out of it. I can do what ever I want sober. I cannot drink but that is it. Like you I have avoided some situations but not every one. Fear can keep us isolated and feeling trapped. I am in the process of facing a lot of my fears. It sucks but I know if I want to live a fulfilling life I am going to have to face them. I took some time and actually wrote down my fears, why I have them, and what I can do to overcome them.
Hang in there. It WILL get better if you keep working.
Also remember that quitting drinking is not quitting life. I find myself deep into my own self-pity at times and need to snap out of it. I can do what ever I want sober. I cannot drink but that is it. Like you I have avoided some situations but not every one. Fear can keep us isolated and feeling trapped. I am in the process of facing a lot of my fears. It sucks but I know if I want to live a fulfilling life I am going to have to face them. I took some time and actually wrote down my fears, why I have them, and what I can do to overcome them.
Hang in there. It WILL get better if you keep working.
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