Still trying, but not exactly 'new'
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Still trying, but not exactly 'new'
Hello, I'm not really new, but making a new start. Where to begin? I'm 45, gay, an atheist, I like to read a great deal, especially literature and poetry of the 20th century, I love art, museums, and I'm not too good with overly structured environments. I have found that face to face support helps, but it's been very hard to find such support that I have a way to get to. I don't want to mention any groups, but it has been hard, for me, as one who is very much extroverted, to find company in which I can talk about Sobriety in real life. The internet has been a mixed bag, looking back...it seems so distant, in ways, unreal in certain senses. So far, I have tried to rely on myself the most, but having sober RL friends helps, only I have had a hard time finding them. I've seen therapists on and off for decades; sometimes, it seems to help, sometimes not.
It has actually been 8 years since I first said, ‘You know, I should stop drinking’. It was singer-songwriter John Hiatt who gave me the idea, or reading about his life. So at the time, he had a forum on his website, and I asked, how did he give up drinking? He never replied directly, that I know of, but I did get a lot of replies from folks, and that was when I first became really scared of recovery, due to the wrathful/fire and brimstone tone of so many of them. So then, I sought out a certain meeting friendly to Atheists, and began those meetings, and had some success, almost a whole month, which may seem like little, but at the time, was great. Then, the moderator moved away, and then things fell apart again.
This was after my job of 6 years had been phased out with the demise of their a certain restaurant empire, the first job where I ever had any creative input, and paid OK. Losing it was a major blow. I was unemployed for six months. In that time, all four of my grandparents died. The issues of sexual abuse came up. Our nice used Volvo went into the shop, with a failed transmission, blown head gasket, and other problems; we had an aftermarket warranty, as it was quite new, never owned a nice car like that, and it went from one shop to another, but neither could ever fix it. Since I had various debts, and owed 8K on the car, I filed bankruptcy; I never saw the car again. I had some major dental issues; the TMJ kicked in around then, it was like the world was against me. But at least we had a beautiful apartment, and cheap rent, half of what it is now, and my mate/partner was working.
This was a very low point. I would take whatever sedatives, and some painkillers, and then go down to the Tavern, and have a few drinks on top of all that, and talk to people, and end up crying, head down on the bar, my mate would get calls to come and pick me up, I’d be talking about suicide or just nonsense, totally out of my head. Then came working part time with at a small Korean eatery, started by a friend, and then, a 20 hour job at NASA Library, and that’s when I first tried my efforts at recovery.
Fast-forward 8 years of efforts to stop, and then giving up on it, and here I am, again, in a library assistant job for the state where I feel stuck with stagnant wages and rising costs, and a lack of all hope for the future. And feeling ‘stuck’. Like all that time is haunting me. My bad credit, stopping me from getting a cheaper place, or even a job. I figured this job would pay more as time went on, inflation adjustments, and all that; then, the economy collapsed. So I’m trying to think of what to do; I do think a change of place would be good; it’s hard to recover in the belly of the beast in which you became engulfed. Change people, places and things, the saying went, and of the many recovery catch-phrases, it does make sense…not as a magic wand, but one pillar of building a new psychological structure.
So here I am. I want to move away to a place where there is more nature close at hand; Baltimore is fun, too fun, and it's so crowded, and the traffic is the worst. Takes ages to get to anyplace peaceful.
So I usually go for a week or two, then, the pressure builds, and I wish I had a RL friend to talk to, but I don't, and that keeps making me sad, and I keep trying, but keep failing
Sorry this is so long.
Day 3 or 4, depending on how I count, here.
It has actually been 8 years since I first said, ‘You know, I should stop drinking’. It was singer-songwriter John Hiatt who gave me the idea, or reading about his life. So at the time, he had a forum on his website, and I asked, how did he give up drinking? He never replied directly, that I know of, but I did get a lot of replies from folks, and that was when I first became really scared of recovery, due to the wrathful/fire and brimstone tone of so many of them. So then, I sought out a certain meeting friendly to Atheists, and began those meetings, and had some success, almost a whole month, which may seem like little, but at the time, was great. Then, the moderator moved away, and then things fell apart again.
This was after my job of 6 years had been phased out with the demise of their a certain restaurant empire, the first job where I ever had any creative input, and paid OK. Losing it was a major blow. I was unemployed for six months. In that time, all four of my grandparents died. The issues of sexual abuse came up. Our nice used Volvo went into the shop, with a failed transmission, blown head gasket, and other problems; we had an aftermarket warranty, as it was quite new, never owned a nice car like that, and it went from one shop to another, but neither could ever fix it. Since I had various debts, and owed 8K on the car, I filed bankruptcy; I never saw the car again. I had some major dental issues; the TMJ kicked in around then, it was like the world was against me. But at least we had a beautiful apartment, and cheap rent, half of what it is now, and my mate/partner was working.
This was a very low point. I would take whatever sedatives, and some painkillers, and then go down to the Tavern, and have a few drinks on top of all that, and talk to people, and end up crying, head down on the bar, my mate would get calls to come and pick me up, I’d be talking about suicide or just nonsense, totally out of my head. Then came working part time with at a small Korean eatery, started by a friend, and then, a 20 hour job at NASA Library, and that’s when I first tried my efforts at recovery.
Fast-forward 8 years of efforts to stop, and then giving up on it, and here I am, again, in a library assistant job for the state where I feel stuck with stagnant wages and rising costs, and a lack of all hope for the future. And feeling ‘stuck’. Like all that time is haunting me. My bad credit, stopping me from getting a cheaper place, or even a job. I figured this job would pay more as time went on, inflation adjustments, and all that; then, the economy collapsed. So I’m trying to think of what to do; I do think a change of place would be good; it’s hard to recover in the belly of the beast in which you became engulfed. Change people, places and things, the saying went, and of the many recovery catch-phrases, it does make sense…not as a magic wand, but one pillar of building a new psychological structure.
So here I am. I want to move away to a place where there is more nature close at hand; Baltimore is fun, too fun, and it's so crowded, and the traffic is the worst. Takes ages to get to anyplace peaceful.
So I usually go for a week or two, then, the pressure builds, and I wish I had a RL friend to talk to, but I don't, and that keeps making me sad, and I keep trying, but keep failing
Sorry this is so long.
Day 3 or 4, depending on how I count, here.
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Thanks, and yes, I do like to write, and to have conversations. I guess that's what I would seek, if I could find a 'meeting' that was of a conversational nature. I'm thoughtful, but extroverted, and human contact is a kind of fuel for me...though so much of it is with people who drink, it makes it hard, in this town, especially. But I keep trying.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
Good to hear from you, 'Pup!
Three or four days is good, now let's figure out how to keep it going.
I live somewhere peaceful and natural, but there is no employment. Not even dead-end jobs. We just completed bankruptcy, now can't pay the mortgage. But one of the "Promises" of AA has come true: I don't worry about it. I don't lie awake at night with the thoughts spinning around in my brain as I did when I was drinking. I know things will work out.
I find it very helpful that my mate is a partner in my recovery. We go to meetings together, so then we can talk about the personal dramas and religious nonsense afterwards. I am convinced that our addictions afflict the advanced parts of our brain that evolved to facilitate our existence as social creatures, so some kind of social therapy is needed for us to function in society. Any kind of meeting (church or social group) or service organization might help.
Consider some of the drawbacks of living in the middle of nowhere. It takes me three hours just to get to an interstate highway or public land transportation. If I want to take a train to San Francisco or Chicago, I have to spend a night in Seattle. And it doesn't matter if the meeting is religious AA, agnostic AA, or NA--it's the same people. We just learn to rely on one another anyway.
Three or four days is good, now let's figure out how to keep it going.
I live somewhere peaceful and natural, but there is no employment. Not even dead-end jobs. We just completed bankruptcy, now can't pay the mortgage. But one of the "Promises" of AA has come true: I don't worry about it. I don't lie awake at night with the thoughts spinning around in my brain as I did when I was drinking. I know things will work out.
I find it very helpful that my mate is a partner in my recovery. We go to meetings together, so then we can talk about the personal dramas and religious nonsense afterwards. I am convinced that our addictions afflict the advanced parts of our brain that evolved to facilitate our existence as social creatures, so some kind of social therapy is needed for us to function in society. Any kind of meeting (church or social group) or service organization might help.
Consider some of the drawbacks of living in the middle of nowhere. It takes me three hours just to get to an interstate highway or public land transportation. If I want to take a train to San Francisco or Chicago, I have to spend a night in Seattle. And it doesn't matter if the meeting is religious AA, agnostic AA, or NA--it's the same people. We just learn to rely on one another anyway.
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Interesting....I just wanna move someplace smaller, like Burlington, Vermont, or maybe Portsmouth, NH...where nature is close, but so are some cultural things.
I know we are in danger, here, talking about 'meetings'. but I just couldn't take all the God talk, and the repetition, the inability to say honestly how I felt, what I saw as a healthy path. The more I would go, the more I wanted to drink, it was like banging my head again a wall. I'm just not religious, or even spiritual, don't believe in Karma, any of that, just that the universe is neutral, and doesn't care one way or the other what happens to anyone. But I could never say that, and how it might be seen as a plus.
My partner is as introverted as I am extroverted...he never got up the courage to go, so I never had anyone to really sort things out with, as you say. He would try to, but freaked out even at another really small meeting, that wasn't spiritual.
But we gotta be careful, as we're not supposed to talk about specific groups here, though I do find the conversation helpful. So we better not talk about specific groups, as I'd hate this conversation to just end
I'm sorry about your finances...it's hard. We have no home to lose, just bankruptcy, though I do worry even when I don't drink, as I've seen so many homeless here in the city, and I'm not close to my family; my mates has not visited him in 22 years. So there is also some anger, over being gay, and how people treat you, even your family.
A lot to sort out.
It was sweet to hear from you,
thanks so much,
H. Pup
I know we are in danger, here, talking about 'meetings'. but I just couldn't take all the God talk, and the repetition, the inability to say honestly how I felt, what I saw as a healthy path. The more I would go, the more I wanted to drink, it was like banging my head again a wall. I'm just not religious, or even spiritual, don't believe in Karma, any of that, just that the universe is neutral, and doesn't care one way or the other what happens to anyone. But I could never say that, and how it might be seen as a plus.
My partner is as introverted as I am extroverted...he never got up the courage to go, so I never had anyone to really sort things out with, as you say. He would try to, but freaked out even at another really small meeting, that wasn't spiritual.
But we gotta be careful, as we're not supposed to talk about specific groups here, though I do find the conversation helpful. So we better not talk about specific groups, as I'd hate this conversation to just end
I'm sorry about your finances...it's hard. We have no home to lose, just bankruptcy, though I do worry even when I don't drink, as I've seen so many homeless here in the city, and I'm not close to my family; my mates has not visited him in 22 years. So there is also some anger, over being gay, and how people treat you, even your family.
A lot to sort out.
It was sweet to hear from you,
thanks so much,
H. Pup
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
Portsmouth is a great spot; close to museums etc in Boston. Burlington is an amazing little town, too!
I'm also not a meeting person, although I've been meaning to do more investigation about secular recovery groups. Instead I do yoga every day... it doesn't meet the conversation itch, but it does give me an hour or two in a room with other people, all concentrating on being in the moment. I find that to be one of my biggest sober challenges. I was always drinking to either forget something from the past I didn't want to think about, or stop myself worrying about the future. Yoga helps me learn to control my impulses and meter my thoughts a bit more.
Anyway, my point is that there are tons of ways to manage your recovery and it can be very personalized... I'll look forward to hearing more about what you end up landing on, it sounds like we have similar temperaments!
I'm also not a meeting person, although I've been meaning to do more investigation about secular recovery groups. Instead I do yoga every day... it doesn't meet the conversation itch, but it does give me an hour or two in a room with other people, all concentrating on being in the moment. I find that to be one of my biggest sober challenges. I was always drinking to either forget something from the past I didn't want to think about, or stop myself worrying about the future. Yoga helps me learn to control my impulses and meter my thoughts a bit more.
Anyway, my point is that there are tons of ways to manage your recovery and it can be very personalized... I'll look forward to hearing more about what you end up landing on, it sounds like we have similar temperaments!
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
Portsmouth, NH and Burlington, VT--interesting choices. I spent four years in Concord, NH...
The "God" issue comes up a lot here at SR and at meetings. It's kind of a central question to everyone's existence, but we alcoholics seem to have a need to figure this out because we're so ****ed-up.
I guess figuring it out is why I spend so much time here at SR...
The "God" issue comes up a lot here at SR and at meetings. It's kind of a central question to everyone's existence, but we alcoholics seem to have a need to figure this out because we're so ****ed-up.
I guess figuring it out is why I spend so much time here at SR...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Hi there Husky,
I am a 38 year-old single male with 9 months sobriety. I am also hampered by poor financial management - it doesn't affect me every day but every once in a while something from my past jumps up and bites me in that area. I am also worried - well, at least skeptical - that I can stay here in Chicago long-term. I know an eventual move will happen, I want it to happen. I'm not getting any younger. I suppose I could stick around here for a while, but I honestly don't forsee any major important things happening in the future here. Do you feel that way in your situation?
I am currently plugging away at cutting through the red tape of working and volunteering abroad. I have taken other actions to make this a reality. I am deeply nervous about it. But I have not taken a drink in 9 months, and I am doing my thinking soberly, and getting input from my sober communities, both online and real life. I hate to get on the #YOLO trend, but....well, it's true. I'm trying not to plan too far ahead. Do you find yourself doing that? I am really interested to hear how this progresses for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here.
I am a 38 year-old single male with 9 months sobriety. I am also hampered by poor financial management - it doesn't affect me every day but every once in a while something from my past jumps up and bites me in that area. I am also worried - well, at least skeptical - that I can stay here in Chicago long-term. I know an eventual move will happen, I want it to happen. I'm not getting any younger. I suppose I could stick around here for a while, but I honestly don't forsee any major important things happening in the future here. Do you feel that way in your situation?
I am currently plugging away at cutting through the red tape of working and volunteering abroad. I have taken other actions to make this a reality. I am deeply nervous about it. But I have not taken a drink in 9 months, and I am doing my thinking soberly, and getting input from my sober communities, both online and real life. I hate to get on the #YOLO trend, but....well, it's true. I'm trying not to plan too far ahead. Do you find yourself doing that? I am really interested to hear how this progresses for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here.
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by bigsombrero 
Hi there Husky,
I am a 38 year-old single male with 9 months sobriety. I am also hampered by poor financial management - it doesn't affect me every day but every once in a while something from my past jumps up and bites me in that area. I am also worried - well, at least skeptical - that I can stay here in Chicago long-term. I know an eventual move will happen, I want it to happen. I'm not getting any younger. I suppose I could stick around here for a while, but I honestly don't forsee any major important things happening in the future here. Do you feel that way in your situation?
I'm trying not to plan too far ahead. Do you find yourself doing that? I am really interested to hear how this progresses for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here.
I am a 38 year-old single male with 9 months sobriety. I am also hampered by poor financial management - it doesn't affect me every day but every once in a while something from my past jumps up and bites me in that area. I am also worried - well, at least skeptical - that I can stay here in Chicago long-term. I know an eventual move will happen, I want it to happen. I'm not getting any younger. I suppose I could stick around here for a while, but I honestly don't forsee any major important things happening in the future here. Do you feel that way in your situation?
I'm trying not to plan too far ahead. Do you find yourself doing that? I am really interested to hear how this progresses for you. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings here.
Yes, I feel very much the same way, probably even more so, at age 45. What seems to bite me is my credit history. I don't owe much more than a few hundred, but the record itself shows all there is to be horrible: Bankruptcy, garnishments, charge-offs, you name it. So though I am smart and maybe even charming in interviews, they look at my credit, and it takes me out of a lot of jobs, and also makes it hard to move. I'd love to save on rent, and go someplace cheaper, even in town, but this stops me. And my mate, who has about as bad a record. And then, this makes us feel hopeless, and is a huge trigger...we often feel we won't live much longer anyway, so why bother??? Not constructive, I know, but the thought haunts us, even if we don't drink for 30 or 60 days, it is there, always.
I try to look at the future because eat least I can visualize what I might do to chnage things no matter how far-fetched...at least it gives some hope and motivation not to drink.
Hope that makes sense, and thanks for asking.
And thanks to all the hellos, sorry if I didn't address everyone personally...my typing is not a strong suit
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Missouri
Posts: 28
Originally Posted by Coldfusion
We just completed bankruptcy, now can't pay the mortgage. But one of the "Promises" of AA has come true: I don't worry about it. I don't lie awake at night with the thoughts spinning around in my brain as I did when I was drinking. I know things will work out.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Originally Posted by HuskyPup
Yes, I feel very much the same way, probably even more so, at age 45. What seems to bite me is my credit history. I don't owe much more than a few hundred, but the record itself shows all there is to be horrible: Bankruptcy, garnishments, charge-offs, you name it. So though I am smart and maybe even charming in interviews, they look at my credit, and it takes me out of a lot of jobs, and also makes it hard to move. I'd love to save on rent, and go someplace cheaper, even in town, but this stops me. And my mate, who has about as bad a record. And then, this makes us feel hopeless, and is a huge trigger...we often feel we won't live much longer anyway, so why bother??? Not constructive, I know, but the thought haunts us, even if we don't drink for 30 or 60 days, it is there, always.
I try to look at the future because eat least I can visualize what I might do to chnage things no matter how far-fetched...at least it gives some hope and motivation not to drink.
Hope that makes sense, and thanks for asking.
And thanks to all the hellos, sorry if I didn't address everyone personally...my typing is not a strong suit
I try to look at the future because eat least I can visualize what I might do to chnage things no matter how far-fetched...at least it gives some hope and motivation not to drink.
Hope that makes sense, and thanks for asking.
And thanks to all the hellos, sorry if I didn't address everyone personally...my typing is not a strong suit
You might not be this far down the road, and you are in a relationship and your partner has a job right? Do you have any idea where you'd want to go? Or do you just want to get AWAY from where you are now? I think that might be a question worth examining...
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Originally Posted by bigsombrero
I have a bad credit history as well, and quit my job when my alcoholism imploded on me. It's been a tough hole to dig out of, that's for sure. I am no longer working on building a 401K or a retirement fund, I am just finding ways to get cold hard cash and pay my basic utility bills and rent.
You might not be this far down the road, and you are in a relationship and your partner has a job right? Do you have any idea where you'd want to go? Or do you just want to get AWAY from where you are now? I think that might be a question worth examining...
You might not be this far down the road, and you are in a relationship and your partner has a job right? Do you have any idea where you'd want to go? Or do you just want to get AWAY from where you are now? I think that might be a question worth examining...
And yes, we do have a good idea where we would like to go: Portsmouth, NH, a smaller city we visited and loved. So clean, and close to nature, but with culture, too. Baltimore/DC was just rated as having the worst traffic, and it takes forever to get anyplace...and the air pollution here is crazy. Plus, I miss the cold!
So we do have goal, to live in a healthier environment, as one pillar of chnage. Burlington, VT is another choice, though I like NH better, no income tax, no sales tax, that would be a big help for us.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
More on the "God" issue... I read some of your other posts, and thought this might be helpful. It's from a book that my wife and read from daily for inspiration:
Lubaale miliba: buli afuluma alymbala la bubwe.
Almost all tribal people believe that the Supreme Being is honored in different ways. Only with Christianity and Islam have I found intense evangelism and the desire to wipe out other religions. In Western thinking, this desire to eradicate differences often seems closely linked with materialism, money, and politics.
If we believe in one God--one basic creative process behind all creation--why is it so hard to accept God's Creation, including the varieties of peoples and faiths?
The great mystery is so profound that we need as many ways as possible to live the spirit of spirituality.
Tolerance is a gift of spirituality. Tolerance is not possible when one believes he or she is the only one who is "right."
Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995.
RELIGION / FREEDOM / TOLERANCE
Lubaale miliba: buli afuluma alymbala la bubwe.
The idea of God [religion] is like skins: each one [every mortal] shall adopt his own.
--Ugandan Proverb
Almost all tribal people believe that the Supreme Being is honored in different ways. Only with Christianity and Islam have I found intense evangelism and the desire to wipe out other religions. In Western thinking, this desire to eradicate differences often seems closely linked with materialism, money, and politics.
If we believe in one God--one basic creative process behind all creation--why is it so hard to accept God's Creation, including the varieties of peoples and faiths?
The great mystery is so profound that we need as many ways as possible to live the spirit of spirituality.
∞
Tolerance is a gift of spirituality. Tolerance is not possible when one believes he or she is the only one who is "right."
Anne Wilson Schaef, Native Wisdom for White Minds, Ballantine: 1995.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 26
Hi HuskyPup, thanks for sharing your words here. I can identify with much you wrote, despite being 10 years younger, I went through much of the same stuff a few years ago when my employer went bankrupt and I found out the hard way that my already bad credit history, lack of savings and being completely self-dependent, which was all happening during a time when I had detoxed and became sober, were very hard to deal with. And it seemed hopeless, endless and I sometimes thought "why bother with sobriety at all when everything is collapsing". I am atheist too, and pretty much self-made, so I felt like I was responsible and the only one who could clean up the mess, if only I stayed sober. But those were some very dark days...
Even though I did screw up my sobriety after 6 months, I did manage to repair most of my immediate debts (to not become bankrupt or worse, evicted from my rental place) and get myself into a good and fulfilling job a year later. I stumbled through the first months, still drinking heavily, but with the support of colleagues and some, dare I say it : luck, managed to get a promotion and a great network within the company. And recently I decided that I wanted to become sober (again), so I am now working towards that, as my foundation had been stabilized, I feel I can do it.
I know very well about loneliness, even amongst others or within company of friends. I am single and despite many people telling me I am attractive and charismatic, I just do not have what it takes to be in an intimate relationship with (in my case) the opposite sex. I'd like to and have some ideal picture of it, but I am just too complex and blablabla. But I long for companionship like that. Maybe this will cross my path down the road as my sobriety sustains. Most women I have been in relationships with were happy, as long as I was drinking, weird as it may sound, as they often found me too feminine or sensitive and when I drank I was more easy going and "normal"... still figuring that out, btw
Anyway, I am writing this because it might help if others relate to your specific situation.
Good luck with your journey towards sobriety, I think you are doing well and doing great by posting here. Please feel free to write as much as you want here or in a PM if you feel like talking.
Interestingly, New England is a "place" I find exceptionally attractive (despite only ever having visited the SW-states) and I dream about going there one day, MA, VT, NH, ME, RI but to me all of it seems alluring. I admire many great landscape painters from that side of the US. As a city dweller I can relate to wanting to live in a more rural, picturesque environment very much ~a Lovecraft fan from Europe.
Even though I did screw up my sobriety after 6 months, I did manage to repair most of my immediate debts (to not become bankrupt or worse, evicted from my rental place) and get myself into a good and fulfilling job a year later. I stumbled through the first months, still drinking heavily, but with the support of colleagues and some, dare I say it : luck, managed to get a promotion and a great network within the company. And recently I decided that I wanted to become sober (again), so I am now working towards that, as my foundation had been stabilized, I feel I can do it.
I know very well about loneliness, even amongst others or within company of friends. I am single and despite many people telling me I am attractive and charismatic, I just do not have what it takes to be in an intimate relationship with (in my case) the opposite sex. I'd like to and have some ideal picture of it, but I am just too complex and blablabla. But I long for companionship like that. Maybe this will cross my path down the road as my sobriety sustains. Most women I have been in relationships with were happy, as long as I was drinking, weird as it may sound, as they often found me too feminine or sensitive and when I drank I was more easy going and "normal"... still figuring that out, btw
Anyway, I am writing this because it might help if others relate to your specific situation.
Good luck with your journey towards sobriety, I think you are doing well and doing great by posting here. Please feel free to write as much as you want here or in a PM if you feel like talking.
Interestingly, New England is a "place" I find exceptionally attractive (despite only ever having visited the SW-states) and I dream about going there one day, MA, VT, NH, ME, RI but to me all of it seems alluring. I admire many great landscape painters from that side of the US. As a city dweller I can relate to wanting to live in a more rural, picturesque environment very much ~a Lovecraft fan from Europe.
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,064
Husky Pup, it took me an hour to type that last post and I didn't see your recent comments. As I mentioned, I lived in Concord, NH, for four years--two years with my family and two years at boarding school. Mom used to shop at Pease Air Force Base near Portsmouth, but I had a paper route and never went with her. I visited the coast several times, it is really nice. The weather can be nasty, but it is not the prolonged brutal affair like another place I lived, Ithaca, NY. And being on the coast can give you some relief from summers, which could be very hot in Concord.
I've only been through Burlington, VT, enroute from Concord to Montreal. As part of my research for this post, I wanted to see what kind of Amtrak service there was to Burlington--and there is actually a train right from Baltimore. The Amtrak route guide says that Baltimore is the home to Michael Phelps, but does not mention traffic nor pollution.
I've only been through Burlington, VT, enroute from Concord to Montreal. As part of my research for this post, I wanted to see what kind of Amtrak service there was to Burlington--and there is actually a train right from Baltimore. The Amtrak route guide says that Baltimore is the home to Michael Phelps, but does not mention traffic nor pollution.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Northeast, US
Posts: 2,073
Hey Pup, yeah, I had the cash to settle a large amount of debt on credit cards and worked on the companies for months until I settled at 40% and just paid it. I was at 30% interest and always getting fees. So my credit looks bad. I am a terrific prospect for jobs, but no one ever calls back. I assume it's the credit. Kind of terrible. If you could choose a really smart, passionate, qualified person with bad credit, or a dunce with good credit, if you hired people in the US, you'd choose the dunce. Airheads with 4th rate educations, make 90 grand in Connecticut, and brilliant Yale Grads can make $15,000. Really annoying and discouraging. Who wouldn't want to drink?
Also, I don't want to be out of line, but AA is not for everyone that is FOR SURE. I can explain in a PM if you want.
Also, I don't want to be out of line, but AA is not for everyone that is FOR SURE. I can explain in a PM if you want.
Shape-Shifting Super-Hero
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Eating Tofu!
Posts: 882
Here I am, reporting back again!
I've had some ups and downs, today is day 4. Still looking for some real life support, but finding it really hard, on a secular basis.
I feel kind of scared, and anxious right now, about a lot of things that seem very overwhelming, such as my teeth, vision, car, stagnant wages and rising costs, and getting older, death getting closer...I get really scared of death coming up so soon, it is like I am suddenly 45, and it has hit me hard how little time I have left. I know that sounds weird, but it keeps me up at night, the thought of death, and what happens, as useless as it is to mull over, I get terrified, pondering it.
~
On a proactive note, I've made appointments with two therapists. My last one moved to Vancouver, BC, and it's been about three moths now since I've seen anyone. So I've been doing some research into the sorts of approaches that have worked best, made numerous phone calls, and found two practitioners I'm eager to see.
The first has a background in Transactional Analysis, a field pioneered by Erik Berne, who wrote the (famous) book, "Games People Play". What's fascinating is that she actually studied with Erik Berne, now deceased, so this has me quite curious, as this field, along with its Gestalt counterparts, have long been helpful paradigms for me.
The other is a Jungian Analyst and art therapist, who studied at the C.G. Jung Institute in Zurich, Switzerland. Probably the best results I have ever had have been in such therapy, where I can discuss dreams, creativity, the motivation to create, what holds this back, unconscious contents, and relate all of this back to a way of living in the world.
I have not done very well with CBT approaches, though I find them useful on a certain level...yet they seem to miss something. The soul, perhaps? Funny, a fan of Nietzsche referring to the soul, but for a lack of a better term. Or rather I find therapies that focus on the person as an entirety more helpful than ones that feel more mechanistic.
I'll have to see how much insurance will pay for all this, as well; that will be another factor, as well as seeing who seems to be the best 'fit'.
Well, so long for now, thanks for the comments,
H. Pup
I've had some ups and downs, today is day 4. Still looking for some real life support, but finding it really hard, on a secular basis.
I feel kind of scared, and anxious right now, about a lot of things that seem very overwhelming, such as my teeth, vision, car, stagnant wages and rising costs, and getting older, death getting closer...I get really scared of death coming up so soon, it is like I am suddenly 45, and it has hit me hard how little time I have left. I know that sounds weird, but it keeps me up at night, the thought of death, and what happens, as useless as it is to mull over, I get terrified, pondering it.
~
On a proactive note, I've made appointments with two therapists. My last one moved to Vancouver, BC, and it's been about three moths now since I've seen anyone. So I've been doing some research into the sorts of approaches that have worked best, made numerous phone calls, and found two practitioners I'm eager to see.
The first has a background in Transactional Analysis, a field pioneered by Erik Berne, who wrote the (famous) book, "Games People Play". What's fascinating is that she actually studied with Erik Berne, now deceased, so this has me quite curious, as this field, along with its Gestalt counterparts, have long been helpful paradigms for me.
The other is a Jungian Analyst and art therapist, who studied at the C.G. Jung Institute in Zurich, Switzerland. Probably the best results I have ever had have been in such therapy, where I can discuss dreams, creativity, the motivation to create, what holds this back, unconscious contents, and relate all of this back to a way of living in the world.
I have not done very well with CBT approaches, though I find them useful on a certain level...yet they seem to miss something. The soul, perhaps? Funny, a fan of Nietzsche referring to the soul, but for a lack of a better term. Or rather I find therapies that focus on the person as an entirety more helpful than ones that feel more mechanistic.
I'll have to see how much insurance will pay for all this, as well; that will be another factor, as well as seeing who seems to be the best 'fit'.
Well, so long for now, thanks for the comments,
H. Pup
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