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Old 04-09-2013, 09:49 AM
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I'm here because...

I'm afraid. I'm tired. I'm lonely. And I am ANGRY... In my alcohol abuse struggle. I have been desperate to quit. I have a great family, but I am too embarrassed to ask them for support. I mean, they DON'T understand how hard it is to change such a habit. When I am away from alcohol I don't even think about it. I don't crave it. But I think I have developed a habit and I don't know how to stop it. I go to work everyday thinking, I can do this...no problem. I have started drinking AT work! DURING my shift. I LOVE my job and I don't want to lose it. I sneak it, all the time. Most days it's only 3-4 drinks, but it's ALWAYS until I at least get a buzz. That's when it's the hardest time to cut myself off. If I could just make it through even taking that first drink...I hate living like this. And I hate having this problem. I try to remind myself how great I feel on days when I hadn't had a drink. Even when we were on vacation, I didn't want it or think about it for over a WEEK. I felt awesome. I'm so afraid that I am going to have to remove myself from my job, just to make sure I am not tempted. And that disgusts me. Yes, I am disgusted with myself. Why do I have to have this problem?
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Old 04-10-2013, 06:54 PM
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Mmhoule,

Thank you for sharing your experience in such an honest manner. I am not exactly in a great place to give advice, but I can share my story to show you are not alone. I got clean for a period of 2 years and 4 months. I recently relapsed on my opiate of choice. I know it is a different substance but addiction is addiction which makes it easy for us all to relate.

I have a great job for a college student which I actually enjoy. I am going to school and getting great grades. I just met this really sweet girl who do not drink or party, which is rare for my age. I am getting along well with my family. Everything is sort of in place. With my relapse, those things are going to the wayside.

I want to stop, but honestly every thought I have to get clean again diminishes when I put that substance in my body. I HAVE to feel it. Even if it is 3 am and I have to get up in 3 hours for class, I will be more focused on using. It disgusts me and I am ashamed of myself for being in this situation after so much time clean.

What I can tell you, and what other people have told me, is that you should not be ashamed or disgusted in regards to what is happening. Addiction is a sickness and there is not an easy cure. It takes a lot of hard work and support. I believe that you truly want to, you can kick this to the curb.

This is a great place. There are a ton of people with time who are willing to offer support and advice on recovery. One thing I would recommend is moving this post, or just making a new post in the http://http://www.soberrecovery.com/...mers-recovery/

The Newcomers to Recovery thread is a great place because people with time will be there answering questions etc. You will most likely get a ton of replies with posting there; more people will see it.

Like I said, I am not really going to give advice besides what I said, but I know you have it in you to succeed.

All the best
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Old 04-12-2013, 12:59 PM
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Sharing common stories and goals is what I need right now. I still haven't made it even a day. But I've not been young it right off at work. I wait til Im almost done. Still...I don't want to AT ALL. I feel empty if I don't. Like I have forgotten something...however I LOVE LOVE LOVE how I feel in days when I hadn't drank the night before! I try to hang onto that feeling before I drink again but auto pilot kicks in. Ill pour a drink and nite even try to NITE do it. Then the next day I hate how I feel like I didn't even try. Even tho ALL DAY LONG I think about not doing it. Im so confused by my own brain!!
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Old 04-12-2013, 03:48 PM
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Have you thought of support above and beyond SR mmhoule?

D
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Old 04-13-2013, 09:32 AM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Have you thought of support above and beyond SR mmhoule?

D
I have made a call to an AA chapter here. Just have to take that step to go. Im afraid. Ashamed...all that. I don't want to be one of them...you know? But...here I am. I try so hard to stay positive and focused. Its my job. I love it but alcohol is available...so if I am truly going to beat this I think the first step is to accept that I am powerless and be ok with it. Which I am NOT. Im ANGRY. At myself of course...so I am reading and posting and sharing here whenever I can. Learning from others and trying to keep hope alive. I hate the thought that I am going to have to think about staying sober daily for the rest of my life! Forgive me...I am very frustrated today.
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Old 04-13-2013, 09:44 AM
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Originally Posted by mmhoule View Post
I have made a call to an AA chapter here. Just have to take that step to go. Im afraid. Ashamed...all that. I don't want to be one of them...you know? But...here I am. I try so hard to stay positive and focused. Its my job. I love it but alcohol is available...so if I am truly going to beat this I think the first step is to accept that I am powerless and be ok with it. Which I am NOT. Im ANGRY. At myself of course...so I am reading and posting and sharing here whenever I can. Learning from others and trying to keep hope alive. I hate the thought that I am going to have to think about staying sober daily for the rest of my life! Forgive me...I am very frustrated today.
Well mmhoule, you don't have to stay sober for the rest of your life. Just stay sober for this 24 hours. As far as you not wanting to be one of them. mmhoule, I am one of them (AA). many of the people in this forum are one of them (AA).

The hope you walk out of a meeting with will far outweigh the fear you walked in with. The people in meetings are the same people you encounter in here, they are people just like you who are trying to get sober and learn to live that way. I have found a solution in AA.


You will find support in a meeting. Please at least check it out. ok? By the way sorry my box was full.
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Old 04-13-2013, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by mmhoule View Post
I hate the thought that I am going to have to think about staying sober daily for the rest of my life! Forgive me...I am very frustrated today.
Once you get sober and work a recovery program that will aid you in living without alcohol, you won't think about staying sober daily...you'll just be sober. It becomes normal.
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Old 04-13-2013, 01:53 PM
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My best friend in my network told me recovery is similar to riding a bike. If I keep pedling, I'll stay on it; when I stop I fall off. Yes its embarrassing to go pick a white chip again but I got over it quickly when I had a chat w/ myself that this is my sobriety & I'm only responsible to God & myself. Just look @ it as learning experience & do you're 90in90 again plus more mtgs. If you want to change the way you feel, go to a meeting or talk to someone. I thot this whole AA stuff was complicated @ 1st, but it isn't. We're the 1's who complicate a simple program
Get it done brother & make yourself proud
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Old 04-14-2013, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by 1newcreation View Post
My best friend in my network told me recovery is similar to riding a bike. If I keep pedling, I'll stay on it; when I stop I fall off. Yes its embarrassing to go pick a white chip again but I got over it quickly when I had a chat w/ myself that this is my sobriety & I'm only responsible to God & myself. Just look @ it as learning experience & do you're 90in90 again plus more mtgs. If you want to change the way you feel, go to a meeting or talk to someone. I thot this whole AA stuff was complicated @ 1st, but it isn't. We're the 1's who complicate a simple program
Get it done brother & make yourself proud
I am having a hard time finding a higher power. I feel nothing when I think of being responsible to God...is that bad?
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Old 04-14-2013, 04:51 PM
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hi mm,
You have to have 1 to maintain sobriety! The underscoring is for you to be humble & realize you can't run the show [email protected] least w/ good results otherwise u & I wouldn't be in recovery. Big bk says if u want to make it the home group u go 4 mtgs, then do so.
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:18 PM
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I do have a higher power in my life, which is not God, but the Universe. I think for me it's important to have an HP, but, I know that there are people who recover who do not have a higher power, just as there are many routes to sobriety.
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:29 PM
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mmhoule. Please check out that AA meeting.I put it off too for a long time.

But once I went I was like I can't believe how simple that was and I had this whole thing just built up in my head that it was gonna be scary and people would be looking at me and I would feel weird.

That is the self centeredness of this illness as referred to in the AA Big Book

Truthfully people are not thinking about me, I am not that special. Most people are thinking about themselves.

Just get off your booty and go. It's one hour of your life and an hour that could definitely give you some hope and relief. I found I was home when I got to a meeting. they are the same people that are here posting.

I found when others talked that the fear just melted away, these people understood me and I was not alone anymore. C'mon quit putting it off. It's one hour. You don't even talk. Just sit in the back. You know how many folks go into meetings everyday. No one will know if you are new or not.

I'm rooting for u!
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Old 04-14-2013, 05:50 PM
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mmhoule, no one in aa wanted to actually end up there. its a hard thing to do. i was exactly the same as you, didnt want to surrender , thought i could go it alkone against the big world of alcohol. but i put y pride to the side a few years ago and got four monthssober after just attending 2 meetings. then went back toi drinking and drugging and basically wasted a year and a half because inside i knew i wanted to stop. so i put my tail between my legs and now im diving into it, its only my life im dealing with here. and i need this. i hope you can do it yourself, but ifnot go see the people in aa they really are a freindly bunch and we all have this stuff in common and its nice not to be alone.
peace
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Old 04-14-2013, 06:03 PM
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mmhoule, i've been putting off going back to AA. So don't want to go back and admit my failure even though i know that they will be happy that i am back. And i know i have to see it as success that i am back. How about you go and i go, we can compare notes? I really don't want to go, but know i have to......none of us can do this alone.
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Old 04-14-2013, 07:15 PM
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Just walk in that door Of AA. You don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. Just listen. You will hear your story and many others in that room and you will learn there is a solution.
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Old 04-14-2013, 09:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Wilde8673 View Post
mmhoule, i've been putting off going back to AA. So don't want to go back and admit my failure even though i know that they will be happy that i am back. And i know i have to see it as success that i am back. How about you go and i go, we can compare notes? I really don't want to go, but know i have to......none of us can do this alone.
I am hoping to make that step on Wednesday morning. I know I need people around me who share a common thread. Like friends do. And I have no friends but would like to make some. This is a huge step. I have been thinking for years about quitting and just keep making excuses. The biggest one being hat it is too hard to quit...well I don't want to live like this any longer. I've started to make myself a list of all the things I love when I am sober. All the things I appreciate. I want to remember. Everyday. THANK YOU!
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Old 04-14-2013, 10:10 PM
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Just give the program & before you're your halfway thru as the 9th step promises go, you'll be amazed!
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Old 05-03-2013, 10:56 PM
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Thank you for your honesty post.I too struggle with the confusion of why this happens over and over again. How is it possible to " forget" the misery I feel literally hours later. I have been through the self preach/ loathing in my head so many times that even I am sick of hearing myself talk ...to myself. I should know by now that I am NOT alone. but I'm thankful that you shared. I hear you, I feel your pain. I have no answers... but there was a thread that I kudo'd on my profile. it talked about not only accepting the fact that you had to live a life sober, but also accepting the fact that you might actually enjoy sober life. it brought a certain positive reality that I had not considered.
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Old 05-03-2013, 11:16 PM
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Originally Posted by mmhoule View Post
I'm afraid. I'm tired. I'm lonely. And I am ANGRY... In my alcohol abuse struggle. I have been desperate to quit. I have a great family, but I am too embarrassed to ask them for support. I mean, they DON'T understand how hard it is to change such a habit. When I am away from alcohol I don't even think about it. I don't crave it. But I think I have developed a habit and I don't know how to stop it. I go to work everyday thinking, I can do this...no problem. I have started drinking AT work! DURING my shift. I LOVE my job and I don't want to lose it. I sneak it, all the time. Most days it's only 3-4 drinks, but it's ALWAYS until I at least get a buzz. That's when it's the hardest time to cut myself off. If I could just make it through even taking that first drink...I hate living like this. And I hate having this problem. I try to remind myself how great I feel on days when I hadn't had a drink. Even when we were on vacation, I didn't want it or think about it for over a WEEK. I felt awesome. I'm so afraid that I am going to have to remove myself from my job, just to make sure I am not tempted. And that disgusts me. Yes, I am disgusted with myself. Why do I have to have this problem?
I can COMPLETELY relate to you here...however i can say you have been very fortunate so far! I was caught at work once and they gave me a chance to do treatment and keep my job. I completed treatment and came back to work, however I wasn't treated! Within 6 months I was back at it...drinking at work. Trust me... eventually they will find out, or someone will smell it on you. You can't hide it forever. I was making over 6 figures and lost my job because someone smelled the alcohol on my breath. IT'S NOT WORTH IT! I was lucky to have a friend give me a new job, but it's at a fraction of the income!
It seems to me you realize you have a problem, and may have realized it before things got out of hand or you have hit rock bottom. For me it took losing my job and my fiancee before I truly committed to quitting.
All I can really do is share my experience and tell you that it's not worth it. Life will get so much worse if you lose your job because of alcohol. Not only will you have to go job searching in this terrible economy, but you will have to explain to new employers WHY you aren't currently employed. Not a fun conversation to have! Stick with us here at SR if you need some support. Go to AA and talk about it. You'd be surprised how many people will/can relate.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk. I have some horror stories of going to work drunk and making a fool of myself!
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Old 05-03-2013, 11:23 PM
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Update?

I missed this original post...
But see it got Bumped tonight.
I'm just curious, because I can relate (as Im sure many of us can to this post)
Its been almost a month does this person still post or have they found help?
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