Prion

I am back after a few ups and down. Tonight I told my soon to be spouse that needed support to help me with my alcohol problem.
I decided to talk after going to a meeting and I was advised it should be one of my first steps.
My fiancé refused. He said that it is my own business and that if I really want to get sober I shouldn't have to ask for support from people like him or my friends. He said its not their fault if I can't drink normally. He says I will blame him if he help me and I want to drink anyways.. It's my first attempt so its not like I am a serial relapser.

What should I do? I am deeply hurt and I am worry about my sobriety without support and marrying someone who won't support me. Am I being to selfish?

P

Coldfusion

Hi Prion,

I don't think you're being selfish. My wife and I understand that sobriety is the only way our relationship can survive.

Some of the threads in the Friends and Family section could give you an idea what it's like being married to someone who doesn't support sobriety.

Best wishes!

DryRoastJim

Hi Prion. I have serious concerns here. I think you need to get absolutely clarity on what your partner will and will not do to keep you sober. And that he needs to understand that sobriety is a life long event, will he be able or willing to help you on your journey?

All the best!

Odelle

I don’t think you are being selfish. Continue going to meetings, working the steps, and know that you will receive support and understanding from AA and SR. It could be that your fiancé was taken by surprise and needs some time to fully embrace what you shared with him. Sometimes people recoil initially when caught off-guard, but he may reconsider his reaction once he has had time to fully comprehend what you have asked of him. Don’t let this be an obstacle in your recovery; hopefully it is something the two of you can work out, if not, I would definitely recommend couples counseling prior to the nuptial.

Michael66

Hi Prion,

I hope it's just that it is taking a little time for your fiancé to understand and accept the importance and need of sobriety for you.

Are you going to any marriage preparation? If so it might be worth talking through within that context as the promises made in marriage are ones of mutual support, looking for the good of the other before the good of ourselves. Your fiancé probably just needs some time and discussion to realize and understand the importance of this, but I think it's something important to talk through before you commit and vow your lives to each other.

Veritas1

It's selfish in that we make demands from others.

I have decided you must do this for me.

That's an order.

People don't respond well to being ordered.

It's hard not to be self centered, when it's our life, and we are at the center of it.

Don't worry. Work on you.

Take your time and don't rush into marriage if you have any doubts.

Be encouraged.

least

It may be time to rethink your marriage plans if he's going to be so 'distant'. "For better or worse", you know. I know you can find support here tho as we're all here to support and encourage you.

Sasha4

People who can drink normally don't understand the struggles those have who cannot drink normally.
They thing it is just a matter of not drinking as much and we know different.

I think that you are going to be fine.
Come here, go to meetings, meet other people in recovery.

When you have some significant sober time, then you can see how you feel. You don't have to make decisions now about your relationship.

When I did it, do it now, I see it as my battle to fight, no-one else has to help me.
I choose who I tell.

My best to you xx

trachemys

My first reaction isn't post-able. However, there are some valid points about surprising him with some very big needs. Then my mind goes back to my first reaction. What's this guy going to do when you're married and have a surprise pregnancy? You're about to find out.

You're getting sober to save your life. Stay with your program, stay strong. We've got your back.

RedLantern

Prion,

Did he know or talk to you about you having a drinking problem prior to your first meeting. Was this a surprise to him?

Prion

I talk to him that I was going to meeting to get better. I relapsed and told him I needed his support . I understand I have to want this to make it happens. I understand what he said its just that I might need him to not bring booze home ...

Journey40

Atleast he is being honest with you before you guys tie the knot. It would be harder to make a decision to stay with or leave once you're married with kids. My husband has promised me many times that he wouldn't bring beer home, for my sobriety's sake and for my kids' sake, but guess what? He still buys beer and drinks it infront of me (and my kids). Everytime I've tried to quit in the past, I have asked him to not do it, and at first he is onboard, but doesn't stay that way so I give up. I figure, he's not the alcoholic and he just doesn't understand. Or maybe...just doesn't give a sh*t.

LadyinBC

Is it a problem for him not to bring booze home or not to drink in front of you?

I agree that the drinking is our issue, but to not have family support from the people that are suppose to care for us the most? I just don't get it.


I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. And no you are not being selfish. We are suppose to ask for help and when we ask for it, it is a slap in the face when it isn't acknowledged.