my story
 

Good to start at the beginning. Somewhere around 1980. The bar scene ,it was cool to do coke. After a while ( 1985 ) I started selling just to support my habit. Not a lot. I would get a teener cut the **** out of it sell enough to get my hundred back and snort the rest. I became popular and liked that as I was never really a cool dude member. It became uncool after a while and I stopped s...ing and for the next 22 years I would spend a hundred every Friday. I became a recluse. I no longer wanted to share even with the opposite sex. .
Fast forward ( 1997 ). I moved to the ghetto because I couldn't or didn't pay my rent anymore in the nicer section of town. I lived next to crack head. One day I approached her and asked her to get me a teener of powder. No problem except she came back with a hundred of hard. Nope can't return it. I was stuck with it. Of course I figured out how to use it and was hooked. She ended up going to rehab and got straight so now I had to find other means to get it. Got arrested after buying from a friend of a friend. I still think he set me up as after handing it off to me three under covers and one bubbletop pulls me over and I couldn't swallow it so they found it ( 3 fifty,s ). I spent that night in the holding tank got out found my car in the pound and to my surprise they missed one Whoo Hoo. I celebrated. How stupid was that. The next encounter with the police was another trap. Only this time the guy was the target. He got in my car never made the exchange and right then a police car is in front and back of me. Well the dude dumps it in my passenger door pocket and the cops derived that it was his side of the car. He got arrested. I got a stern warning and got to drive home. I still had the fifty so I just found another guy. Celebrated again.
Fast forward to today. I still don't pay my bills. Go summers without hot water. Am an inch away from being evicted and still use. How dumb is that. At this very moment I don't have cable but my cell bill is paid, how else could I contact my dealer. I use, close all the blinds, hide in a closet , whatever. I am learning though slowly but surely. I don't enjoy it but still use. I actually hate the buzz. I am learning of the beast ( AVRT ). He is still tricking me up.but I am gaining small wins . I will win or at least let's hope so. If your thinking of trying crack DON'T

Hiya Trikyriky, u want to quit? u have the desire?

Are you willing to watch something? You have about an hour?http://newfreedomrecovery.com/res.htm

I watched this video, it is about a women called Layla who is in recovery for coke and alcoholism. Click on link and scroll down to Layla and click on. Try to just listen without distractions. She is speaking at an CA meeting.

What about NA? I go to NA and AA. So much support. So many friends that you will make. People who understand you. You need that. R u willing to try something different? U wanna get unstuck?

You willing to maybe take suggestions from others who are clean now?

You can do this. Are you ready? Tough questions I know.

Thanks Deeker I will watch , and I will get back

Good luck. Its really hard. I battle and I had only been doing it a few months. There is just something wonderful about that ball at the end of the pipe and the feeling of Weeeeeeeeeeee that keeps me wanting it. BUT I have managed to trick myself and have not used since 3/27 or this year. Im trying cant say I dont want it but LIFE is better than what that stuff can bring in the end.

Yes, you can win using AVRT. What are you learning about the Beast? What are your small wins?

I am learning that the beast is me, 1/2 of me if not more. I think of it as the cartoon character you see on TV. The one with the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. One telling to good and the other telling to do evil. By small wins , I mean I don't answer return text, buy smaller amounts, lose or delete phone numbers. Also filling my down time with activity, coming on this forum. I feel as though I'm chipping away at the beast, he's made of marble but I'm made of steel.That's my thinkin....

I have to literally trick myself. I know exactly what you are talking about.

Thanks for answering. In AVRT the Beast is the internal desire to get high again and we hear from IT in our thinking and feelings. The goal is to separate that particular desire out from all the other thoughts and desires we have as adult people and finally kill IT off by pledging to never again act upon that desire. There's a lot of information about AVRT in the Secular Connections forum of this SR website.