Cascabel

I think that this thread also shows that there is a great diversity of situations to which ex drinkers must respond. There is no "one size fits all" response to questions about ones life or drinking habits; to assert that there is is to ignore reality. The reply one might give to a casual "you're not drinking?" is, or should be, quite different from the one given to being aggressively interrogated about why you are not drinking by some semi-inebriated, loud, fat and flatulent fool.

gameofthrones10

I would just tell them you do not drink and if they insist tell them you don't enjoy the taste.

MeSoSober

You may not be lying, but you're certainly concealing the reason WHY you (or most of us) picked up the non-drinking habit, which was because our drinking got out of control and if we continued, we were going to lose our spouse or our job (right here!), land in jail, or kill ourselves or someone else. It's not like taking up jogging.

Because a lot of people are able to enjoy it responsibly and it enhances the evening with a nice buzz? Let's not pretend we don't understand the difference between smoking and drinking. There are medically established guidelines for responsible drinking. There are no such guidelines for smoking.

And Feenixx, I do appreciate your response. But if someone looks you in the eye and casually tells you they're not drinking because they're stomach's a little upset or they have a slight headache or an early meeting the next morning, you're going to KNOW they're lying? I mean you'd have to either be irrationally suspicious or psychic.

And again, I am advocating that anyone lie. But I certainly wouldn't judge them for it. I don't know, to me something that trivial is the moral equivalent of jaywalking.

SORRY FOR THE DOUBLE POST! I hit submit and then thought I'd forgotten to quote someone. And that's the TRUTH! :rotfxko

Deluxe

The behaviour associated with telling people you don't drink because you're an alcoholic (however you choose to phrase it) is as extreme as they way we all used to drink. There is a middle ground. It's no big deal. I don't drink because I don't enjoy it. End of story.

I also feel a very real need to protect myself. I would never assume that the people you tell will deal with the piece of information you just gave them in a way you hope they will or feel they should. That's just not reality, particularly in a work environment. It's my journey. No ones else's and beyond the people in my life that I love and who love me it is simply no one else's business. Being rigorously honest is about adding value to your own life and achieving sobriety, not about laying yourself open to other people's prejudices or small mindedness.

ru12

When offered a drink I say "No thanks." and that is it. Period. If they press I say "No thanks!". It was always worked for me. I owe no one an explanation of why I don't drink.

hypochondriac

What you tell people is a lot less important than how you feel about it Kza. But the two are so intertwined it's impossible to tell the difference sometimes. I won't go into all the details about how I felt and what I said to people getting sober but the responses have varied from 'I'm giving it up for lent' and 'I'm an alcoholic'. The important thing was to just say whatever to get me through those first few months sober and then figure it all out later. Also you can tell different people different things. You don't have to have an answer set in stone. And how can I say this... f**k the people who say you can't trust someone who doesn't drink, or anyone who pressurises you into drinking. I have been in this situation with 'friends' and clients but their responses and feelings about my drinking status are irrelevant. You're the only person who matters in this. Just look after yourself and stay sober x

ScoutBall

For me, most clients are online and over the phone.
It's extremely rare for me to be in a work situation where drinking would be an issue.
As far as social situations (such as get togethers from my wife's work place) a "No thanks" ought to suffice.

I never cared much what people thought of me (obviously!) while drinking, and I don't tend to care much now.

I can't drink like normal people. If they choose to want to probe, or talk about it later--that's their business.

ClearLight

Actually it is like jogging or eating healthy or any other behavioral change made to improve your physical, mental and spiritual health. I stopped because I want to be a healthy person - in ALL aspects of my life.
To be specific, I said that I tell them I don't drink because I don't want to. That's about as honest as you can get. I'm not going to spend the facts of my life like small change on strangers.

I don't buy it. When people are hanging with me I prefer they're not buzzed. If that's what they need to enjoy an evening with me then count me out.

Not too long ago doctors would smoke in their offices. You can find that all over the place - just watch Med Men.

What I see is an attitude of folks being afraid to say they don't drink - for ANY reason. Time for that to be reversed. Time for folks to be proud of not drinking. If you're proud you don't lie.

BobbyJim

I'm planning on telling people I want to get fit and healthy and drink always sabotages any attempt - and as the old saying goes,

"Those that matter wont mind, those that mind don't matter"

Bobby

ClearLight

By the way - I get up on my high horse about this. That may be because I'm a newbie to the sober life.

It's nothing against those that want to tell a little fib.

It just bugs me to see anybody feeling like they have to hide a really good thing.

I remember when smoking was the norm and and the very idea of non-smoking buildings was considered radical. I remember going to work as a bartender and carrying a cigarette lighter - and I didn't smoke. Now I live in a state where restaurant and bars are smoke free - thank God.

I remember when drinking and driving was no big thing. Really. That was the prevailing attitude. Mother Against Drunk Drivers were considered a bunch of kooks at first.

So, I've seen some major changes in societal norms. I hope to see another one regarding non-drinking.

That doesn't mean I'm not aware of people having a difficult time trumpeting their sobriety. I just want to see that disappear and it's going to take people willing to stand up and be counted.

Thanks for listening to my rant!

Hollyanne

I am doing service at the moment.
Just came back from a meeting.
A newcomer was there. She cried and said, "No offense, but I just can't believe I have come to this."
I told her of a brand new meeting starting in the local church.
She said, "If the priest sees me, I will be fired".
Turns out, she is a teacher. And yes, she could be fired, depending on her tenure etc.
Shows two things.
The perception people have of alcoholics and the reality of being an "out" alcoholic.
Breaking new ground and changing the world is all very well, but we have to be sensible too.
When people say, we weren't embarrassed to be fall down drunk at the office party, why be embarrassed to be getting sober?

Unless you have many years of sobriety and have been seen to be so, you just identify yourself as a problem drinker and are a poor bet. Again, not fair, but reality.

MeSoSober

I think that's disingenuous and glosses over the problems most of us had as a result of our drinking that essentially FORCED us to quit. Like I said, it's hardly like taking up jogging or giving up red meat. Not to mention that "I wanted to be healthy" doesn't wash 100 percent because alcohol has health benefits.

"Because I don't want to" to me is like the equivalent of the parent's "Because I said so." Plus, for most of us, it's not so much a question of not WANTING to, it's that we CAN'T. Not without horrible repercussions.

Be that as it may, them's the facts. A whole lot of people like to drink for pleasure or special occasions or whatever, because they enjoy the buzz. I'm one of them. I just took it way too far, but many don't.


But that show takes place like 50 years ago. I'll simply repeat that there are medically established guidelines for responsible drinking. No such guidelines exist for responsible smoking. Certainly both have the great potential for harm, but there's no such thing as "smoking abuse" because all smoking is bad, but not all drinking is.

And no one wants to hide a really good thing, it's just that for so many that particular good thing is evidence of a very bad past bad thing. And that's why some of us might just prefer to say we have that early meeting in the morning. It's all good.

Anna

I am a private person in all aspects of my life. When I became a vegetarian about 10 or so years ago, I didn't tell anyone, but my husband and my kids. I believe deeply in the welfare of animals and I made a very personal choice. I refused to make a big fuss about it at a restaurant or at someone else's home. At a BBQ or serve-yourself supper, no one ever commented about what I was eating or not.

When I stopped drinking, I did the same thing. I have never told anyone outside of my very tight circle that I am an alcoholic. There are too many preconceptions and misguided beliefs about alcoholics and especially about female alcoholics. I have struggled very hard since my teenage years to deal with depression and anxiety. I've done pretty well keeping balanced. I avoid toxic people and situations, so why would I open myself up to people's judgements of me being an alcoholic? No, I've worked too hard and come too far.

Dee74

When I first quit, drinking had been so important to me, and so important to everyone else I knew then, that I thought everyone must feel that way.

I felt very insecure, very self conscious and very 'open' and vulnerable sober.

I got more comfortable with the not drinking me, I moved away from drinking buddies and I found that most people really don't give a dang what I do.

I stopped giving essays of explanation - I was tying myself in knots - and now I simply say no thanks.

You may feel you need to say more than that, or feel that people need more, but they really don't.

I don;t have to lie, but I don't have to jump on the tables and tell all assembled the story of my recovery either...

I'm just politely refusing an alcoholic drink - it's no big thing

D

ClearLight

To each their own way - that's fine. Different strokes for different folks.

However I must say it's not disingenuous and does not gloss over the problems folks have with alcohol to equate sobriety with other lifestyle changes. In fact many treatment options stress that you have to heal the entire person to stop the addictive behavior. There's all kinds of people on this site that talk about how simply stopping alcohol is just the start of the process. Additionally, many people make lifestyle changes such as jogging or not eating red meat precisely because they're forced to. Stop by any cardiac center at any hospital and you can find thousands, if not millions, of people that have to change those exact habits in order to live.

When I talk about smoking and drunk driving I'm talking about societal attitudes and how things have changed in a relatively short amount of time. Things that were once taken for granted or taken lightly are now seen in an entirely different light.

That can happen with drinking as well. In fact I see it happening already.

As more folks come forward like Robin Williams or Eric Clapton or even Kerry Washington the stigma that makes so many want to lie will disappear. People will look at it like the smoking on Mad Men and wonder why anybody ever felt that way.

Finally, it seems to me that nobody quits because they can't drink. Over and over, on this site, I see it voiced that you won't quit until you really want to quit. And I've seen that to be true in so many cases. You have to want it more than anything - that's when you quit. that's why it's so truthful to say I don't drink because I don't want to.

MeSoSober

I think my work is done here, but I will make a couple of final counterpoints.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. (1) Many, if not most people, adopt healthy habits entirely as a preventative, whereas a recovering alcoholic already has the disease. (2) Adopting better diet and exercise habits are not the same as giving up a specific intoxicant because they have abused said intoxicant to the point of facing job loss, family loss, jail, or killing someone else driving drunk. None of those things is going to happen to you as a result of eating red meat or being sedentary. (3) Those other lifestyle changes don't usually involve weeks or more of group or one-on-one counseling, AA, outpatient treatment, or other rehab services. You may get some dietary counseling, but it is not the same.

You said you tell people you don't drink because you don't want to. I'm sure that is true. But if you're like most of us, your desire to quit arose from the recognition that you CAN'T drink normally/responsibly, and that's what I was referring to.

I know I would've gone on drinking forever if repeated and dire consequences hadn't forced me to acknowledge the destructive role of alcohol in my life. And it took a looooooong time. It was at that point that I came to genuinely wanting to quit. And if I could magically change myself to someone who could enjoy alcohol without any negative consequences, I absolutely would and would drink. But I know I can't.

SoberD

I say: "no thanks." If pressed, I say: "I just don't enjoy it anymore." Simple and both true.

LadyinBC

I haven't really been in too many social situations where the drinking comes up? If I go out to dinner with a friend they already know I don't drink.

I don't go to pubs, parties or bars so I don't have to really explain why I'm not drinking to anyone.

If someone asks you why you don't drink, ask them "why would you ask me that?" That usually shuts people up or they will simply move on to a different subject. This question actually works on a variety of silly questions people ask you .