I'm back, and in need of a place to share

Old 04-08-2013, 02:11 PM
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Jake, 19
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
I'm back, and in need of a place to share

Hello all,

Some of you may remember me from a while ago (my avatar used to be a picture of me, but I had to remove it to reduce the risk of me being identified). I am an addict in every sense of the word.

The good news is:

I haven't had a drink for over 4 months - something I never thought possible until I met my current girlfriend. I didn't even have to choose to stop drinking, it just wasn't an option any more. I had no eureka moments, and all of my attempts to quit failed miserably. Then, for some reason, one day, I just found myself not caring about drinking anymore. I have no cravings for booze, and haven't had any notable desire to drink for months now. Thank the Lord!

Anyway, this all sounds great, but I think it's probably because I just switched addictions. I went from drinking 20 odd units of alcohol per day (500ml of 40% spirit roughly) to taking about 240mg of codeine each day. That felt much healthier, much easier to manage, and instead of fogging my mind and making me act like a moron, it enabled me to function normally without having to drink. Hurrah!

However without going back to my old style of hammering out all of my history (as I doubt it'll help), I went from this small dose of a weak opiate each day, to snorting up to to 40s worth of heroin each day, even when it had been hidden in the mouth of someone who probably had Hep C/HIV/infectious disease of some sort and had gotten slightly wet through the wrap.

I decided enough was enough at 2am on the 7th, and was hoping to be at the 48 hour mark of no opiates today at 2am, but while rummaging in my basement for electrolyte powder, I stumbled upon some codeine and pentazocine hidden in my Mum's partner's old army supplies. I immediately threw away my 2 day progress (it doesn't sound like much, but it really was to me as I hadn't had a single day off for 6 months) by swallowing all of the codeine and snorting 1 of the pentazocine pills and swallowing another.

I now just feel such a failure - I thought "what a waste". Luckily the tricks my mind were playing on me to get me to relapse fully were quite easily batted aside. My mind tried to take advantage of my feeling of failure by helping me to plan to get opiates as soon as I woke up tomorrow, but instead, I flushed the rest of the pentazocine pills (literally something I would NEVER have done if I was still actively using, so i'm proud of that (why could I never find strong drugs when I wanted them?!)) and i'm just going to get back on the wagon.

Although I didn't really get high, the intention was there and that was enough of a reason for me to decide to log onto Soberrecovery and tap into the support that I know is here. Perhaps I was arrogant thinking I could do it alone, and although I have my mum and her partner here to help me, they are clueless about addiction except what I have taught to them.

Anyway, having just wasted my 2 days of efforts, i'm determined not to turn this nonsense into a relapse. I mean, it was just stupid - finding those pills was probably the most blatant example of a test (from God, the universe, whatever you believe in) and I failed and ate the apple from the forbidden tree like a pathetic, worthless punk. Although it achieved nothing, I told my Mum I had essentially failed to detox and that I was starting over. She was very pissed off and struggles to understand the mechanism of addiction. Anyway, i'm sick of being chemically dependent and want to be clear headed to enjoy the rollercoaster of life rather than dosed up to avoid being susceptible to life's daily stresses and strains. As an ex-drinker I was used to being cushioned from real life since the age of 12 or 13, and now without that blanket i've just picked up another habit. I'm just checking in to say i'm around, i'll be reading and maybe posting some advice (although I still feel I am somewhat under-qualified to be giving the advice just yet, given my current state). It's good to be back, hopefully tomorrow i'll be clear headed again after this slip up and ready to get back on the wagon.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:17 PM
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Welcome back! I'm glad you're giving it another try. You can live a life clean of substances.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:23 PM
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Jake, 19
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Devon, England
Posts: 212
Originally Posted by least View Post
Welcome back! I'm glad you're giving it another try. You can live a life clean of substances.
Hi Least,

I certainly hope I can - this new addiction has brought with it a whole new set of problems, unlike the ones brought about by alcoholism. I maintain, i'm far, FAR better off now than when I was drinking, even though I am essentially a heroin addict, but I don't want to settle at this point and justify it to myself by saying "I may be a junkie, but at least i'm not downing whiskey in the morning". I shouldn't want to be doing either, and it shouldn't be a matter of 'which is the better addiction to settle for'... I'm just tired of it all really, and very pissed off about my slip up today. The pills I took didn't even make me feel good - I just feel heavy and oppressed. What a flaming waste of 2 days of effort. Ah well, it's good to know I can post here. Thanks for your words of support.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:30 PM
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Originally Posted by MightyMung View Post
Hi Least,
Ah well, it's good to know I can post here. Thanks for your words of support.
Yes, welcome back to SR. You are most assuredly welcome and there are lots of new faces of course (mine included) who are happy to listen. You alreay know it's worth it to be sober from alchohol, hopefully you can apply that with help towards the opiates.
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Old 04-08-2013, 02:50 PM
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((MightyMung)) - I went from abusing alcohol to abusing opiates, to being totally addicted to crack. Along the way, I pretty much did everything.

SR and all the great folks here helped me find recovery. I found out it wasn't so much the substance, but the feelings that drew me to them.

I'm 6+ years into recovery and have been through every feeling you could imagine. Guess what? I didn't kill me? Who knew?

I don't mean that as a slight...I truly thought I couldn't deal with life and all it's issues. Not only have I deal with some pretty rough times, I've become a better person for having been through what I did.

Hang in there, keep reading, and get support wherever you can. You are WORTH IT!!

Hugs and prayers,

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Old 04-08-2013, 02:53 PM
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Glad to see you back, MightyMung - but sorry you're having new concerns to deal with. We are here to listen and help. You can kick that stuff, too - and be totally free.
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Old 04-08-2013, 03:01 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
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Mung, have you given NA or AA a good chance? That was the only way I could stay clean/sober.

All the best.

Bob R
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:50 PM
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I remember you MM, welcome back.
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:54 PM
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I too remember you MM. Sorry about your struggle but so glad to see you back and fighting for the life you deserve.

We are all here when you need us
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Old 04-08-2013, 05:56 PM
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Happy to see you back MightyMung! Like Hevyn said, CAN be totally free.
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Old 04-08-2013, 10:41 PM
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Welcome back! You could look at finding those pills as being a test, or you could take it as a reminder that temptation will always be there. Glad you made it back! Good luck!
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Old 04-09-2013, 08:02 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Thank you for sharing your story. I just recently relapsed on heroin after 2 years and 4 months clean, I know how you are feeling. I feel so ashamed and disgusted with myself that I would throw away so much time and hard work. However, the people here have been wonderfully supportive, and I am learning that my relapse can be a very important learning experience. I hope you can eventually feel that way.

In regards to you flushing the stash-wow, I am truly impressed. That must have been very difficult to do. It really shows your seriousness about recovery.

I can also relate to the feeling of being under qualified to be giving advice, but I am comfortable giving support to people in my situation and explaining what worked for me before. I got a lot out of your post, so thank you again.

Stay strong
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:12 AM
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I got off all drugs in 1982 and thought I would just drink a few cold beers. I switched seats on the Titanic. Clean and sober means just that. Make meetings, get a sponsor, and keep going back.
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Old 04-09-2013, 09:27 AM
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Welcome back MM. I remember you too x

You can do this. I'm so pleased you're giving it another go.

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Old 04-09-2013, 09:52 AM
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Hello my little crazy buddy.
Welcome back.
Are you ready to accept the full clean sober life yet?
You only reach the bottom when you stop digging.
The real world is a bit scary, but we will all hold your hand and walk with you.
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