SodaMan

To set the scene, I’m a 29-year old male who used to binge drink big-time (eventually reaching 6-10 beers a night) and was emotionally destroyed, void of any confidence or self-esteem and to make things worse, I’d put on a whole load of weight. I’d tried quitting on-and-off since 2005, but only ever reached a month or so. In May 2012, the stars seemed to align in my favour and I’m now rapidly approaching an entire year – which would’ve seemed unthinkable back in those dark days. I've lost three stone so I'm a lot healthier too.

Yesterday I met up with an old female friend from uni, who I’ve had major feelings for dating back 8-9 years. At uni we used to be inseperable, but until yesterday, we hadn’t met for three years. Being in a pub/bar environment is no real issue to me, as I’m headstrong and happy with where I’m at, but whilst out with her, I suddenly realised that I’d changed loads since those uni days (which weren’t particularly boozy, but alcohol was involved for sure). She, however, is more or less the same person. Basically, I felt like I was boring her because I was so different to how she remembered me, and I assume that it’s at least partly due to my sobriety; mainly because that’s been the biggest change in my life of late, so it seems the likely ‘culprit’. It’s possible that we’ve just drifted apart and become different people, but in a way, that’d be harder to accept. At least if I think it’s the booze (or lack of), it could almost act as a ‘quick fix’ to get me back to how I used to be. How she sees my ‘true self’, I guess.

We were at a bar where we used to hang out back in the day, and I had a couple of quiet moments to quietly reflect on how my life has progressed in these eight years. I effectively resigned myself to growing old when I quit drinking; I didn’t want to be that guy in denial about his youth being over, and continuing to drink into his late 30s in a desperate attempt to re-live those glory days. However, I feel like I’ve gone to the complete opposite end of the spectrum – effectively, I’ve aged before my time, and I’m 29 going on 59.

Me and she always used to be so mentally in-tune with one another, but yesterday’s lunch felt forced and awkward, almost as if we’d never met. I thought she’d be impressed or happy for me (we used to spend hours discussing our attempts at overcoming our vices), but it just seemed like she thought it odd or strange in some way. She’s not a big drinker, so this isn’t a typical ‘my drinking buddy isn’t the same friend as he/she used to be’ thread that I’ve often seen posted – it’s more a questioning of my entire direction in life. I was happy and optimistic at that younger stage of my life, so the temptation is to think that alcohol was partially responsible. It’s difficult, because I don’t have any urges to drink again, but I’m wondering if I’ve jumped the gun and taken drastic measures.

Thanks to anyone who’s read this far. It’s just useful to jot down some feelings to try getting everything clear in my own head. Maybe if somebody’s had similar feelings or experiences they could offer some advice? Thanks again.

FeelingGreat

That reminds me of when my son started moving away from his wild binge drinking days. His friend called him up and asked if he wanted to go out and get pissed and he said ' sorry I can't make it mate; I'm mature'. Some of us move on and we leave behind the ones that don't. It's bitter-sweet, because the friendships of youth can be very intense.

ddrayer

Hey soda, you may also just want to consider the fact that it's been 3 years since you've seen each other. I mean when I see anyone after 3 years the first meeting is often a little awkward and forced. Not saying you haven't changed but it is possible it has just been a long time since you have spoken.

SodaMan

Thanks for the input, much appreciated. You may well be right, too.

I generally feel like I've made a really big personal change, and that everything I do reflects that change; but of course, that's not necessarily the case.

Anna

I know I changed so much in my outlook towards life and how I felt about myself. I am not the same person that I was while drinking. And, that includes having different people in my life. It could be partly because a 3 yr absence is a long time to be apart and partly because you have changed. Sometimes, friends are friends for life, but not always. I'm glad you have a strong focus on your recovery.

ScottFromWI

I think it's also important to remember that there are lots and lots of people in the world who never drink a drop of alcohol there entire life. Some choose not to because of religion, some because of culture, or some just because they don't want to for whatever reason. Your life direction can go absolutely anywhere it wants regardless of whether you drink alcohol or not. And frankly, you will be much more youthful and healthy now that you have quit than if you were still drinking. Congrats on your sobriety!

SodaMan

Thanks for the congrats, advice and general positivity Scott, very helpful indeed. Additional thanks to Anna and FeelingGreat for their input, it's welcomed and appreciated.

Jeni26

I think it is just possible that time has come between you. It may not be just you that has changed, but she has also moved to a different place mentally...

When I look back at some friendships I had earlier in my life, they were so very important at the time. People whose thoughts were in tune with mine, who 'understood' me, who laughed and cried at the same things...

Years later, there is fondness still and gratitude that they were around for me at a time when I needed them, but that closeness has gone.

This may not be a sobriety or relationship issue at all....just the way of the world. Nothing stays the same. We either grow together in relationships or we follow different paths x

Gilmer

It's just a sad moment when we end up moving on from someone we care about. Being reflective does not make you old before your time. It just makes you less shallow. Try to do something you truly enjoy today.

MeSoSober

My reaction exactly. Could just be garden-variety awkwardness from not having seen her for so long.

Hell, I experienced shades of that recently with a friend and it had only been like three MONTHS since we were together. But there was a time when we saw each other almost every day, so there was some weirdness. Many military couples -- husbands and wives -- go through it too. When the service member returns from a deployment, it can take a while for them to get to know one another again.

ClearLight

Sometimes people just grow apart. It may have nothing to do with alcohol. Just a natural part of life.

FeenixxRising

Sodaman, congrats on staying sober for almost a year. Well done.

Regarding your situation. I believe you're misinterpreting what has happened. IMO your sobriety has nothing to do with the distance currently occurring between the two of you. The reality is both of you have grown; you both have both moved in different directions in your lives. You no longer have the same things in common. I've been in this situation more time than I can remember. It's a part of life, and I'm guessing this won't be the last time you have this experience.

least

to SR!

DryRoastJim

Your question is a good one, and it touches on some pretty heavy philosophical questions suchs "who am I" etc. Sobriety brings reality and sometimes reality sucks! Speaking for myself, my years of drinking made my life one nice big fat blur. Floated through on booze, didn't care who I mashed, what I did yada yada. Now that I am some what sober I get to reflect on all the crap I did, how little preparation of my "life skills" and of course, no planning for the future. But is this all bad? I doubt it. In many ways I feel that my life is at a renaissance of sorts. Although I am very lost and having trouble finding my footing, I can't believe that this is it. There simply has to be more and more enjoyment of life without booze. What has become obvious is that the past is the past and that involves people. I've lost relationships, jobs and friends. Everything (for me) hinges on acceptance and being able to adapt. I see this but I can't find it.

You seem to have a good grasp on where your head is at. I don't think you should think of it as you have gotten old, perhaps you have just gotten wiser. You have many years ahead of you and there will be new people in your life.

For us, alcohol will only take us backwards, is that what we really want?

SodaMan

Thanks for the input Jim. I think that I’ve been questioning my identity for several months, and yesterday was kind of a tipping point because I was meeting somebody who I spent some of my happiest times with, and somebody whose perspective I really value. So I think my concerns about being a changed man (potentially for the worse / more boring!) were on my mind going in to the day, and then when it didn’t go amazingly well, I just assumed it was the non-drinking factor. But as many others have posted, it may well just be down to the lengthy gap since we last saw each other.

As to your question/statement about alcohol taking us backwards, sometimes it does feel as though it would be easier to try going backwards to a happier time (I’m pretty sure that I used alcohol to help facilitate this, i.e. I’d dwell on the past way too much) than it is to carve out a happier future. However, after seven years of pretty heavy drinking, it was clear that it was only making matters worse and taking me further and further away from that ‘happy time’.

DryRoastJim

I hear ya! It's ok to feel lost, and in fact I think it's pretty normal really. When we bury ourselves in booze we can give it a quick thought, laugh and then have another drink - who cares right! But! When sober, the question becomes a bit more nagging and it kinda wants an answer. For now though, we (I) cannot answer this, and yeah it bugs me but I have to accept this for now, there is no answer and just keep muddling through this thing we call life.

Haha, yeah to relive "the good old days", man I wish. They are gone though, but again, that's ok too because there are going to be new "good old days". The key, the absolute must is not to drink. One day at a time, be kind to ourselves and absorb as much of life as we can. Nothing is perfect and it certainly isn't perfect when we are blitzed!!

You will be fine, and once you are in your happy place all the fiddlybits will fall into place.

SodaMan

Definitely on-board with this. Typically, if something had gone badly (like yesterday), I'd have gone home and drunk myself into a complete state, and made all the supposed problems of the day ten times worse. The next morning I'd have awoken with a hangover, and would then end up drinking the next day - and on and on. The main point is, that the emotions and feelings from the day in question would never be resolved, rectified, or dealt with in any conceivable way. They'd be totally buried and I wouldn't make any emotional progress. Drinking just results in an emotional Groundhog Day.

In the 11 months I've been sober, it's amazed me how many unresolved (and undetected) emotional disappointments from my past have come back to me. And I've been able to lay those ghosts to rest, one-by-one. If I'd kept on drinking, they'd all still be buried under the carpet and nagging away at me - without me even realising it - which must be immeasurably bad for your mental and physical well-being.

john77

hi Soda, 1st of all I'm new here this is only my 2nd post.
I came here to prove/disprove to myself if I have a drink problem. I guess I already know the answer to that otherwise I wouldn't have searched for this forum.

You seem pretty well grounded and congrats on the abstinence, 29 is still young, i think you are just getting wiser as you get older, some people do some people don't, people change and find their own way through life it's an every changing journey with many new paths ahead of you.

I wanted to quote on this though because after reading the whole thread your last post brought a tear to my eye...just as I had opened my 1st can for the night.

You have pretty much identified where I am going wrong, I realize that because it struck a nerve.

I'm sweeping my problems under the carpet with drink, I've been doing it for years and not noticing, blaming them on something else instead, they seemed to be dissappearing but i guess they are just piling up under there.

I think I should start my plan of action to sort this saga out.

Cheers pal, and stick with it.

GodsFriend

I would hate to think that I have not changed in the last 3 years. As I grow spiritually and continue on my journey of sobriety my life had better change and I pray for the better. Sometimes we finally start growing up and that makes us changed. Water seeks it's on level and sometimes we are on a better level than before.

Squizz

"If you wanna' change the game, ya' gotta' change the players."

I failed to do this, and it kept me drunk for seven years after my first attempt at sobriety. I know it sucks, but let's face it: Your lives are going in completely opposite directions.

Cut your losses, and move on. (As much as it may hurt.)