misterritter

I haven't posted or been here in a while . I don't know if I am hitting a 'bottom' . I am sure there have been much worse. I have neglected so much recently and specifically this weekend either because I drank, felt bad about drinking, or felt bad from drinking. I am sitting here almost crying because I hate what I am doing but I keep doing it. Damn alcohol....

lostnconfused2

I'm truly sorry you are feeling sad and alone, the feeling has been mutual as I struggle with sobriety. My weakness isn't alcohol, but rx meds. All I know and can say is you can conquer this feat. I'm not even a week into my recovery and all I think about each and every minute is how quickly I could press a name into my iPhone and find something to get me high. I have 3 people I normally go to, and for some reason I've only blocked one from contacting me via fb or my phone. Why in the hell can't I bring myself to block the other 2? What am I waiting for? I don't know.

My whole point is that I understand what you are going thru and since discovering this site 5 days ago and just posting for first time last night, I finally see others are in the same boat. It makes me feel good knowing when I have an urge, I can grab my phone and not text a dealer- but get on this site.

Please, please, write me back on here when you have the urge to drink. Mine is relentless and this site is godsend- today has been hard and I was tempted twice to bug someone for meds. BUT- instead I got on here. And that my friend is a personal triumph I never thought I would conquer.

Looking forward to talking soon.

misterritter

Its too late right now, I am a bottle of wine and some beer into the night. I only hope tomorrow I can change. Glad to hear you are resisting, its the only option.

flyonthewall

Guys it's awesome to have people to talk with here. Seriously. We should really use this tool.

I was sitting around alllllll day thinking about how stupid alcohol can make you. It's just a waste of time and money. Same goes for pills. (I don't do pills.)

Waste of time! And hangovers are a huge waste of time! And the guilt is a waste of time!

misterritter

The problem is that I agree and know all that you said but I keep effing drinking. I hate it but I think I have to go the whole aa route that I am powerless and all of that stuff I that dont want to admit.

lostnconfused2

Mister,

Get rid of all the alcohol in your house. I had to so the same with my pills. And honestly, the way I got rid of them was taking them all until I had none. If you find yourself the urge to hit up liquor store, throw your keys across the room and grab your phone/laptop and get on here. Get on your sneakers and go RUN/walk/crawl, whatever you need to do.

You might think "what does this chick know, you can't roll up to a pill store and grab a 6 pack of vicodin". Honey, I can find a damn pill ANYTIME I want to. One 5 minute drive or quick call, and there they are. It's all I can do to not grad my keys, tell my hubbs I Need to grab something at store and peel outta this driveway.

Put down that stupid can or bottle and go Lay down. If you can't tonight, and I understand, tomorrow. I swear, this is coming from a person who loves being high. It's all I've know for past few years. Tomorrow is a new day, but tonight even few drinks in is better than nothin.

All the best,
J

Hevyn

Glad to see you back again, misterritter. That proves you aren't giving up on yourself, or on the idea of living a better life. I fell back to drinking many times over the years - even when I knew it was slowly destroying me. I finally had enough of feeling sick and out of control - and it sounds like you're just about there. It gets to the point where it isn't fun or relaxing - it steals our soul & leaves us empty.

You can start again. We are here to listen and help. You can get free.

misterritter

I think I am there, just don't know if or how I can come back.

Lost thanks for your words, I hope I can take them to heart.

lostnconfused2

Mister,

I know you can. It seems so bleak at first and impossible. As addicts, we are prone to find a quick fix and find that in our drink, pills, coke, ect. I have thought for past years that keeping up with all my pill use was only way I'd be happy/content. I still think that as I lay here typing and yearning for the fuzzy warmth of a narco or the pick me up of an adderall. But then I see people around me who can find happiness without the use of a chemical. I have to be able to do the same, I know I can because I did before I ever started using.

You are back here and that says something as Hevyn said. It's a start and I can honestly say that is an amazing step and one you should be proud of.

Please keep posting. I feel a hard week coming up for myself. i know temptation will be strong and my evil "happy pouch" will be calling me to fill it. The past week I've had my mother in law here to help me out but she is gone and my husband is in for many hours at school.

One day at a time, it seemed so silly at first but honestly it's all I have right now. You have that too.

J

lostnconfused2

Mister,

Wondering how you are today? How was past 24 hrs? Please report back, regardless of drink or not.

Best,
J

soberclover

I hope you return Misterritter...some great feedback coming your way! You can do this! You have the support from all of us who truly know how you feel. It is hard work but we are all here for you

misterritter

Sorry to leave you guys hanging. The weekdays are usually really busy for me and the last two haven't been an exception.

On the bright side this is the end of day two. Very tired but very glad not to have had any alcohol the last two days.

Hope everyone is doing well.

escapist

You and I came here the same time. I am still sober. Lately I think about the buzz. I quit smoking about 6 weeks ago and I still miss them. I have come a long way since October. It was such a hell of deal to stop drinking. I hold those memories of how my drinking was when I found this place. I remember you. I hope you are still sober. Two days is a good start.

Recovery1983

Hey misterritter, glad to hear that you put the alcohol down and that you are on day 2 now. I dont know how long you have been battling alcohol, but I will tell you that there is always a option. The good option is that you can always stop drinking, but the bad option is that you can always continue to drink. From my experience, the worst part is that there will always be a reason to drink/use. For me, this meant that the elevator of bottoms had no ground floor. Every time when I felt things couldn't get worse, they ALWAYS did when I used drank/used. I am absolutely certain that my true bottom is if I died.

Every time I have relapsed, my psyche and my emotions kept getting lower. There have been plenty of times when suicidal thoughts have crept into my head. I just don't think I have another relapse in me. It's not that I think I'll die from my drugs/alcohol, but I feel my psyche and emotions won't be able to handle it and I'll finish myself off.

It's day 4 for me, and Wed will be my day 5. I really hope you don't get to my stage. Do whatever it takes to stay sober.

Delilah1

Hi Mister Ritter,

I joined the October group as well, and did great for three months and then screwed up and went back to drinking. I have started again as well. We can do this. I will keep an eye out for your posts, and you check on mine.

lostnconfused2

Mister!


So so happy and proud for you! Two days is a feat, keep on truckin!!

Best,
J

misterritter

I want to say thanks to everyone for your replies.

I just got home and was actually thinking on my drive home tonight about last night when I logged on and saw some new responses to my initial posts sunday night. Tonight I was thinking that those responses didn't really help me. I thought that I only felt bad that people were worried about me, and I was almost feeling neglectful that I hadn't let people know until tuesday night that I had not had anything to drink monday and tuesday. I was basically wondering what is wrong with me that people expressing concern, sympathy, and their own struggles didn't really help with my own.

I have recently been thinking, as much as it has always felt wrong and weak to me, that the idea of AA may be my last hope. That the sharing of pain and learning and bonding and seeing success (which is my present view of how the program is supposed to work, but without any first hand knowledge) was the only chance left I had to quit drinking and start experiencing everything that I think I have been missing for years now.

And then to think that the support I received here earlier this week, which i think of as similar but different to AA, wasn't helping much was kind of disheartening. Until I got on the forum tonight, I was thinking that the only way posting here was helping was that other people were invested in my struggle and that I didn't want to let them down. But I was hoping there was more to this site and other programs than just that.

Tonight I got on and read the most recent replies and reread the older ones and it felt different this time. I can't really express how or why, (maybe my brain has quit for the night), but I am very grateful for all of the replies, support, and sentiments.

quitforme79

I was wondering how you are misterritter and am glad you are back AA has and continues to do wonders for me. It's like SR but in 3D. I am glad you are feeling better and hope to keep seeing you in the threads!

misterritter

I just got back from my first AA meeting. In a lot of ways it was exactly what I expected it to be. Which in a way is a self fulfilling prophecy. I didn't reach out to anyone which is exactly my nature and a big part of the problem. I also knew I couldn't say more than a few words without losing it

I did learn some stuff, and think I understand more of why a huge part of that program is admitting powerlessness. I am not sure I can do that, but as I rehearsed what I would say if I was asked the question of why I was there: "What I am doing now is not working for me."

The whole idea of having a big ego and low self esteem sounds very familiar.

I really want a drink, but for now I am not going to do that.

2granddaughters

Go back again and reach out.. step outside your comfort zone. Have some faith that all will be well.

I reached out to AA in 1989 to help me save my life and it hasn't let me down yet.

The answer is in the rooms of AA but you have to show up with open hands to receive it.

All the best.

Bob R