effortjoy

I have read a lot about avoiding stressful social events and people who trigger you during the first year of recovery. Unfortunately, due to my life constraints I am obligated to attend a number of events that are extremely stressful and seem to go on for hours. I lasted nine months sober while still attending these trigger events but then I relapsed, and I am finally back on the sobriety track 100 percent again. But I am so resentful about these obligations and it seems like I need to choose between staying sober and maintaining my marriage (I go to these events for my husband) I don't seem to have the strength or ability to stand up for my recovery and don't know how to get through these obligations which often involve endless weekends and a huge amount of stress

sugarbear1

Are you using any method of recovery or just not drinking? It might help to have more support and a method for staying stopped. I live not too far from DC and I understand what you are saying, then, again, I know of people in your situation who are sober because they were really and truly ready to not drink.

Are you done drinking, yet?

Methods for staying stopped:

Rational Recovery
AVRT
SMART
Life Ring
SOS
Women for Sobriety
Power to Quit
AA

All have their own websites!

hypochondriac

Sounds like a tough situation Effortjoy. Are these drinking situations or just stressful ones that make you want to drink? Have you spoken to your husband about how they make you feel? One thing I learnt getting sober is that I am not obligated to do anything. I thought otherwise early on and did put myself if stressful drinking situation which I would have been better of avoiding. But I got a lot of strength from them too. I think I could stay sober through anything now. Sometimes it's a pay off, you could continue going to these events as long as you have a counteracting force which supports your sobriety. That was one thing I implemented when I was going to meetings, that I would always make sure that the meetings and the social events were equal and in balance x

Sunds

Hi Effortjoy,
I too was placed in a similar situation....I had to choose between sobriety and my wife....And guess what I chose...I chose sobriety...I am sober for over 5 years...Though I still miss my ex-wife a lot....But that is how it is and I have to accept ...I rationalized what is the point being married if I have to drink myself to death....Here I am divorced but atleast sane and alive.

Anna

I think the most important thing I learned in early recovery was to say 'No'. I was in my mid-forties at that time, and 'Yes' had been my only response to anyone who asked me to do something. I wouldn't be in recovery now had I not decided to say 'No' sometimes. Talk to your husband and let him know how you feel. If it was me, I would stay away from those events, at least until I felt confident.

least

How would your husband react if you said you couldn't go? Would he take it badly and lash out at you? How important are these events? And what are they that you have to attend with your husband?

Sasha4

I have been in those situations.
There have been many, many times I have drunk in those situations and dearly regretted it.
Like you I would feel resentful for having to go, resentful while I was there and resentful the day after when I had all the regrets that go with drinking.

Now, with over a year sober, I will never, not ever, ever drink in those situations.
I smile, I grit my teeth and get through it. Its almost like an endurance test.

But there is no way that I am going to drink and feel miserable for days after at an event that I really would not rather be at.
Nothing has that power over me.

I also do not believe the lie that alcohol tells us, that it relieves stress, helps us makes conversation, gives us confidence or makes us sociable.
Because it does none of that stuff for me.
How can a bootle of rotten fruit or rotten potato do that?!!

And do you know what is a brilliant feeling?
The next day, when I'm up bright and early. I remember everything I said and did. I also remember everything the drunk people said and did too. And it is the best feeling in the world not to have regrets or wishes that I had not drunk.

You are better than this.
Go support your husband, but do the best for you too.

My best to you xx