Failed
 

I'm still .04 this morning...haven't been .00 since Friday afternoon. Blacked out last night. Feeling acute withdrawal symptoms right now. Vomiting bile. This is going to be a long day.

I came home feeling great on Friday, and AH had worked up a new controlled drinking idea. I easily adopted it. Too easily. This isn't life. I can't believe I have done this every weekend for almost 2 years with the exception of a rare sober weekend here and there. I can't believe I let myself, my family, and all of the supportive people here down again. Please pray for me.

C4B,
You have my prayers. Do you think you need medical attention for your acute withdrawal symptoms?

I think I am ok. Sadly, I start to feel the panic setting in at .05 , I wasn't surprised at all when the Alcohawk said .04. It'll be over soon, too much of the wrong kind of experience :shakes head.

Does your AH have any intention to stop drinking? I would imagine that having two people with different ideas makes it difficult. But you are still two separate people. You don't have to drink because he does. Strengthen your resolve and keep trying. Maybe go to AA or another recovery group and make some friends who support your decision to quit drinking. Having that extra layer of support really can help x

You aren't failing unless you have given up and it doesn't sound like you have. You can do this. Pick yourself up and start over again. You are worth it.

I say make non-drinking plans now for next weekend. Keep your drinking times busy. If you are really serious, I find strolling past a bar and looking, really looking, at the drunk people helps me. That's not who I want to be anymore. Not how I want to be seen.

Is an Alcohawk a device to measure alcohol levels?

Yes re: Alcohawk. I got it at a pharmacy a long time ago. With two As in the house, it gets a lot of use :(

I don't know if AH wants to stop. He's been down the recovery road before, and for some reason still wants to prove he can drink responsibly. I guess I have the same idea, but I KNOW I can't. How many times do I have to fall down this rabbit hold before I get what I know to be true into my thick skull? :headbange

C4g: when my hubby gives me a green light, I used to take it too. But he didn't have to live with emotional struggle that went on in my head after I would drink. All the green lights, free passes, etc didn't change the demons in my head, the sadness, the anxiety, the death I was feeling. Your recovery does not need to be based on his actions, wants or needs. Your recovery is about you. If you are waiting for him to change based on your true needs, you may wait a while. Our partners like us drunk, that's what they know. Even if the don't like the actions all the time, they are familiar wit us drinking. It's a control thing. You look out for you. Best wishes

What do YOU want to do? Read some of your older posts and it sounds like you are entwined in a "drinking dance" with your AH. Maybe think about dancing to your own tune, then you wouldn't need the Alcohawk.

Yeah, I think detaching from your husband and whether or not he's drinking would be a really good idea. Trying to control drinking when you're an alcoholic is exhausting and demoralizing. You can stop drinking and begin to feel so much better about yourself.

Sorry, didn't understand what "AH" stood for. Detach any way you can think of...

I agree with forabetterlife - it's not a failure until you stop trying. Keep trying C4B. Of course I'll pray for you.

I hope this can be your last day one.:hug:

Welcome back Change4Better

I agree with everyone else here - it sounds like it's time to start focusing on you and what you want - and maybe finding and reaching out for support - both here and elsewhere - when your husband starts drinking?

Having a partner who drinks is rough - but it's not a dealbreaker. In a sense we're all surrounded by drinkers.

It's not about what they do - it's about what we do :)

D