New to threads AND sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 94
New to threads AND sobriety
Hey all,
As stated in title, I am new to any type of forums and sobriety. While I'm sure it's been heard and said before, this is me and my road to sobriety....
I had been prescribed pain meds infrequently in the past for things like toothaches and kidney stones and never cared for them. They caused me to become tired and sick to stomach. In January 2010, I had a horrible tooth infection that ended with wrong tooth being treated and two weeks of the worst pain I had ever endured. The dentist was quick with her rx pad and wrote me scripts for everything in the book... Tylenol 3, vicodin, Percocet, and Demerol. For some reason that spring, my demon named addiction came out.
I started going to dentist with toothaches, the doctor for back pain, ect. May 2010 we found out kiddo #2 was coming, but that didn't stop my craving for meds. The scripts came infrequently because of pregnancy, but still around 1x a month because of nasty kidney stones I got all during pregnancy. Early 2011 I had my second child, and celebrated with the large quantity of Percocet prescribed to me from doc. I would manage scripts here and there until we moved to Texas at the end of summer. I had started grad school and found pain pills to take the edge off.
During a visit where I hoped to score pain meds, she asked if I had ever been diagnosed ADD/ADHD. Yes, ever since I was 6 but had NEVER (honestly) taken a stimulant med for it. She scripted me Vyvanse 50mg, and from there I became quickly to both stimulants and pain meds. Things took a turn for the worse when I found someone in early 2012 who sold them from work and I began secretly buying them from her. It went from a few each week to buying 15-20 10mg vicodin and 10-15 20mg Adderall a week, on top of my prescription of Vyvanse and anything I could swindle out of my doc and dentist.
My husband is in a very intensive program at the local University, and this school year (Fall 12' and thus far in Spring 13') my habit has gotten out of control. Weekly withdrawals of 150-200 dollars disappear from the atm and husband began asking questions about 6 months ago. I always had good excuse until 2 months ago when I became sloppy and started leaving signs I was using. First was an empty vicodin bottle and the second was two Adderall I had let slip out of my "happy pouch". He questioned me and I blamed his sister who visits us. Finally about a month ago, he caught me driving 1.5 hrs away for a vicodin fix from a dealer, and I broke down and told him about my abuse. He states he had an idea but I became so defensive and mean, and he hated asking.
The past month I have been using all will power I have to clean up my act. I even went to doc and told him truth about abusing my Vyvanse and asked to be taken off of it. It's been almost a month since I've had a legal script. My husband has complete control of our bank acct but honestly I have gone behind his back and withdrawn money and texted people and gotten some pills a few times. Smaller and less frequent, but lying and using are the same regardless of quantity.
Two weeks ago I became extremely depressed and sad because of infrequency of use and just feeling so overwhelmed by feelings and regret. My mom and mother in law both know some of the story and came to help with kids and keep an eye on me. I'll be honest that I slipped away twice in past two weeks to meet with someone to buy. My last vicodin was Monday and my last Adderall was Wednesday. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and was put on Wellbutrin 150 XL for depression and took my Zoloft rx down to 50mg. I also have a small fillable rx of klonopin .5mg to take for the ongoing panic attacks I've had. The fatigue and extreme depression are so apparent and it's taking EVERYTHING in me to not call up a guy I know who has Adderall and drive over there to get rid of this. Honestly texted girl who usually has vicodin, but she is out. I think the vicodin is the worst to get away from.
My family is being extremely supportive and telling me this too shall pass. I started counseling 2x a week this past week and was told by MD that the wellbutrin should help with some of the depression. I've forced myself to exercise every day the past week.
As of now, I am feeling hopeless and down. I want to feel like I can get past this, but my cravings for these stupid pills (mostly vicodin) are relentless. Everyone keeps telling me to stay busy and just enjoy my kids. They say to just remind myself of why I quit in first place and remember the negatives of those pills. All I can remember is the warm/fuzzy feeling and how much more I enjoyed EVERYTHING when I was on those pills. Literally all I think about from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep are those damn pills and how bad I want one. Every activity I do has my mind wandering....I was literally on my knees crying and praying out loud two nights ago. I'm not a religious person, but something has to give...right??
This was a HUGE and long first post. I just have a lot on my mind and am begging for someone to give me some insight. Thanks for listening and I wish all of you the power and will to continue on with sobriety- God knows I need all the help I can get.
As stated in title, I am new to any type of forums and sobriety. While I'm sure it's been heard and said before, this is me and my road to sobriety....
I had been prescribed pain meds infrequently in the past for things like toothaches and kidney stones and never cared for them. They caused me to become tired and sick to stomach. In January 2010, I had a horrible tooth infection that ended with wrong tooth being treated and two weeks of the worst pain I had ever endured. The dentist was quick with her rx pad and wrote me scripts for everything in the book... Tylenol 3, vicodin, Percocet, and Demerol. For some reason that spring, my demon named addiction came out.
I started going to dentist with toothaches, the doctor for back pain, ect. May 2010 we found out kiddo #2 was coming, but that didn't stop my craving for meds. The scripts came infrequently because of pregnancy, but still around 1x a month because of nasty kidney stones I got all during pregnancy. Early 2011 I had my second child, and celebrated with the large quantity of Percocet prescribed to me from doc. I would manage scripts here and there until we moved to Texas at the end of summer. I had started grad school and found pain pills to take the edge off.
During a visit where I hoped to score pain meds, she asked if I had ever been diagnosed ADD/ADHD. Yes, ever since I was 6 but had NEVER (honestly) taken a stimulant med for it. She scripted me Vyvanse 50mg, and from there I became quickly to both stimulants and pain meds. Things took a turn for the worse when I found someone in early 2012 who sold them from work and I began secretly buying them from her. It went from a few each week to buying 15-20 10mg vicodin and 10-15 20mg Adderall a week, on top of my prescription of Vyvanse and anything I could swindle out of my doc and dentist.
My husband is in a very intensive program at the local University, and this school year (Fall 12' and thus far in Spring 13') my habit has gotten out of control. Weekly withdrawals of 150-200 dollars disappear from the atm and husband began asking questions about 6 months ago. I always had good excuse until 2 months ago when I became sloppy and started leaving signs I was using. First was an empty vicodin bottle and the second was two Adderall I had let slip out of my "happy pouch". He questioned me and I blamed his sister who visits us. Finally about a month ago, he caught me driving 1.5 hrs away for a vicodin fix from a dealer, and I broke down and told him about my abuse. He states he had an idea but I became so defensive and mean, and he hated asking.
The past month I have been using all will power I have to clean up my act. I even went to doc and told him truth about abusing my Vyvanse and asked to be taken off of it. It's been almost a month since I've had a legal script. My husband has complete control of our bank acct but honestly I have gone behind his back and withdrawn money and texted people and gotten some pills a few times. Smaller and less frequent, but lying and using are the same regardless of quantity.
Two weeks ago I became extremely depressed and sad because of infrequency of use and just feeling so overwhelmed by feelings and regret. My mom and mother in law both know some of the story and came to help with kids and keep an eye on me. I'll be honest that I slipped away twice in past two weeks to meet with someone to buy. My last vicodin was Monday and my last Adderall was Wednesday. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and was put on Wellbutrin 150 XL for depression and took my Zoloft rx down to 50mg. I also have a small fillable rx of klonopin .5mg to take for the ongoing panic attacks I've had. The fatigue and extreme depression are so apparent and it's taking EVERYTHING in me to not call up a guy I know who has Adderall and drive over there to get rid of this. Honestly texted girl who usually has vicodin, but she is out. I think the vicodin is the worst to get away from.
My family is being extremely supportive and telling me this too shall pass. I started counseling 2x a week this past week and was told by MD that the wellbutrin should help with some of the depression. I've forced myself to exercise every day the past week.
As of now, I am feeling hopeless and down. I want to feel like I can get past this, but my cravings for these stupid pills (mostly vicodin) are relentless. Everyone keeps telling me to stay busy and just enjoy my kids. They say to just remind myself of why I quit in first place and remember the negatives of those pills. All I can remember is the warm/fuzzy feeling and how much more I enjoyed EVERYTHING when I was on those pills. Literally all I think about from the time I wake up to the time I fall asleep are those damn pills and how bad I want one. Every activity I do has my mind wandering....I was literally on my knees crying and praying out loud two nights ago. I'm not a religious person, but something has to give...right??
This was a HUGE and long first post. I just have a lot on my mind and am begging for someone to give me some insight. Thanks for listening and I wish all of you the power and will to continue on with sobriety- God knows I need all the help I can get.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I'm so glad you found us and posted with your problem. It sounds like you have a good support network at home which is good. The cravings will diminish as time goes by. And, you can get used to living life and its ups and downs without pills.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,372
Hi and welcome lostnconfused 
My drug was alcohol but I remember the struggle to stay sober - the support and encouragement I found here really helped. I know it will help you too.
The struggle may seem endless now but things will get better so long as you stay committed to not using anymore. It will be difficult in the short term, but like I say, you're not alone here
D
My drug was alcohol but I remember the struggle to stay sober - the support and encouragement I found here really helped. I know it will help you too.
The struggle may seem endless now but things will get better so long as you stay committed to not using anymore. It will be difficult in the short term, but like I say, you're not alone here
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
Welcome lostnconfused. You found a great place for help & encouragement.
I hope you'll find comfort in knowing you aren't alone in feeling that way. We all understand how hard it is to let go of something you used to cope with life. I felt much better when I came here to share my feelings and get support. Please keep reading & posting. You may want to check out our Drug Addiction forums too.
I hope you'll find comfort in knowing you aren't alone in feeling that way. We all understand how hard it is to let go of something you used to cope with life. I felt much better when I came here to share my feelings and get support. Please keep reading & posting. You may want to check out our Drug Addiction forums too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by lostnconfused2 
I was literally on my knees crying and praying out loud two nights ago.
Have you attended NA meetings in your area?
You will find lots of folks that have been right where you are and are recovering. They will show you how as qwell.
All the best.
Bob R
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Just admitting there is a problem is the first step in treating it. I'm glad you're here reaching out for help in getting clean. You might find additional insight in our substance abuse forum as well. Take a look. 
Substance Abuse - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: southern Oregon
Posts: 365
I'm sorry that you're struggling with this. I have found this site to be a lifeline with my sobriety, you will find sooo many others who are going through the same feelings and physical symptoms. It helps not to feel so alone in the struggle, at least.
I saw on another post this video was recommended. I watched and it's pretty interesting. It might help you understand what's going on in your brain.
Pleasure Unwoven Full Movie Documentary by Kevin McCauley - YouTube
good luck, and you're doing great on the 24 hr. at a time pledge!
~Heartfan
I saw on another post this video was recommended. I watched and it's pretty interesting. It might help you understand what's going on in your brain.
Pleasure Unwoven Full Movie Documentary by Kevin McCauley - YouTube
good luck, and you're doing great on the 24 hr. at a time pledge!
~Heartfan
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