recoverytime

Firstly I am so grateful for this forum.

I was 1 week before 6 months sober from cocaine and alcohol and everything. Despite a few relationship issues more than likely caused by my past behaviours my life and actions towards others especially my beautiful son was better than anytime I can remember in my life!

Cut a long story short I stopped going to meetings, started avoiding phone calls from other addicts, lost my way with my higher power and took over the running of my life despite the proof that suggests I am terrible at it!

So basically I relapsed on different drugs that I had never even used but I quickly lost control, first opiates, then benzos, then finally cocaine and of course alcohol to bring me down. The works...

Each drug I took I took to extreme and dangerous levels.

I really thought it would be a cheeky little taster but boy, it took me to some places that I have never been and go against all of my morals. Mostly of a sexual nature. I swore that was it. That was last week.

Then this week I walked out of the house and went missing for 3 days and binged with hookers, taking money from my grandparents to buy more. Spents hundreds and it ended with me in a dingy hotel pissing in a sink because i was terrified of who was coming to the room.

All of this was way worse than anything I have ever done before.

This truly is a progressive disease and these experiences have both scarred and terrified me. I know I am wallowing in my own self pity and I have to face up to it but I have no idea where to begin!

If you have this disease, keep working your programme, it's constantly doing press ups in the corner waiting to pounce whenever it gets the chance.

I know that this relapse happened way before I had that first tablet.

I am also in no doubt that I suffer from a terrifying, fatal and progressive disease.

God bless to all.

TorontoGuy28

Welcome back.

recoverytime

Thanks

Hevyn

Very scary stuff, recovery. Maybe that was the final proof you needed. You don't have to go back there ever again. Glad to see you back on track.

recoverytime

Thanks Hevyn. Once I get past the shame and sell loathing I know things will get better.

IWillWin

Thank you for sharing and reminding me there is nothing "back out there" other than self destruction and financial ruin. I need that reality check once in a while.

You helped a fellow alcoholic stay sober today with your honesty and courage

Much gratitude and respect...and I wish you well as you recommit to your recovery!

Recovery1983

Thanks for sharing Recoverytime. I almost had 30 days, and relapsed this past week. As I look back, I see the mistakes that basically was setting up my relapse. I started to take prescription pills again, but somehow justifying that it was okay. I wanted to get a better buzz, so I decided to go get alcohol and add that to the mix.

I now sit in my room alone and in the dark. I dont want to talk or see anyone. I know the drill to what I have to do, but I'm really tired of constantly falling off the wagon. I just want to disappear.

recoverytime

@ I will win- and there I was feeling self absorbed and selfish. You too have helped a fellow alcoholic/addict.

@ recovery1983 I know that feeling as well. I have a partner and a son and right now I want them to go and shut the world out and do what I do really well and self destruct. But I also know that this will pass and with the help of my sponsor sober recovery(which I am going to use more now instead of trawling the Internet for drugs, porn and hookers for the past few weeks) and all of the other alcoholics and addicts out there this will pass. It's part of my journey and as shocking and distressing it has been/still is. I know I will learn to be grateful for it! You can do the same. Switch the lights on and let's get on with our lives as they are worth living. I can now see that jail, institutions and death are the ONLY way out of this...hold up your head up I am feeling your pain right now!

least

Glad you're back and trying again.

Dee74

welcome back from me too recoverytime

D

Fallow

Thanks RT. I appreciate your honesty.

I can say for sure you helped me stay sober today. Im sitting here in a mexican restaurant eating a good meal. Tomorrow is 4 months sober and my gorilla really wants out of the cage today.

He was saying that one or two margaritas is no big deal...

Just reading your post helped make sure that door is shut tight!

That honesty you have will be your key to freedom!

I have felt and done some of the same things..

Thanks for the reminder.

recoverytime

Thanks Fallow. That honesty will help in the future. Only as sick as our secrets right? And I am real sick right now. Haha. I know I need to sit with my sponsor and talk about this stuff and share in a meeting, but this has been very helpful. God bless you all for being here for another big standard addict !

Coldfusion

Welcome back, Recoverytime!

I'm grateful that you're here with your positive attitude!

instant

Glad you are alive and back on track with a renrwed committment. If your recovery was getting a bit stale and you needed more in your life at 6 months, the challenge is to take a new path.