Fear of Transformation
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: left of center
Posts: 68
Fear of Transformation
I have been thinking about change a lot lately and as I was reading here today... trying to get in touch with this extension of my higher power, I found myself thinking about a passage that has to do with change that has meant a lot to me in my recovery... so much so I have framed it and put it up on my wall... It occurred to me that some of you might enjoy it too. I hope you do, but as with everything, we take what we can use for today and we leave the rest, right?
love and best to all of you! new friends are easy to find.........
_____________________________________________
Fear of Transformation
From The Essence Book of Days by Danaan Parry
Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.
Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I'm merrily (or not so merrily) swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty, and I know, in that place that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness going to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well known bar to move to the new one.
Each time it happens to me, I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to grab the new one. But in my knowing place I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moment in time hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar. Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on the unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here." It's called transition. I have come to believe that it is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.
I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no-thing", a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast as unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid, where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.
And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang- out" in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.
__________________________________________________ ________
yeah... I look at getting clean as one of those transformations/transitions where we hurtle through a seeming void... and if we give ourselves permission, we can hang out there, you know? And really start living!
best to you all,
amanda
eat your veggies... get recovery!
love and best to all of you! new friends are easy to find.........
_____________________________________________
Fear of Transformation
From The Essence Book of Days by Danaan Parry
Sometimes I feel that my life is a series of trapeze swings. I’m either hanging on to a trapeze bar swinging along or, for a few moments in my life, I'm hurtling across space in between trapeze bars.
Most of the time, I spend my life hanging on for dear life to my trapeze-bar-of-the-moment. It carries me along a certain steady rate of swing and I have the feeling that I'm in control of my life. I know most of the right questions and even some of the right answers. But once in a while, as I'm merrily (or not so merrily) swinging along, I look ahead of me into the distance, and what do I see? I see another trapeze bar swinging toward me. It's empty, and I know, in that place that knows, that this new trapeze bar has my name on it. It is my next step, my growth, my aliveness going to get me. In my heart-of-hearts I know that for me to grow, I must release my grip on the present, well known bar to move to the new one.
Each time it happens to me, I hope (no, I pray) that I won't have to grab the new one. But in my knowing place I know that I must totally release my grasp on my old bar, and for some moment in time hurtle across space before I can grab onto the new bar. Each time I am filled with terror. It doesn't matter that in all my previous hurtles across the void of unknowing, I have always made it. Each time I am afraid I will miss, that I will be crushed on the unseen rocks in the bottomless chasm between the bars. But I do it anyway. Perhaps this is the essence of what the mystics call the faith experience. No guarantees, no net, no insurance policy, but you do it anyway because somehow, to keep hanging onto that old bar is no longer on the list of alternatives. And so for an eternity that can last a microsecond or a thousand lifetimes, I soar across the dark void of "the past is gone, the future is not yet here." It's called transition. I have come to believe that it is the only place that real change occurs. I mean real change, not the pseudo-change that only lasts until the next time my old buttons get punched.
I have noticed that, in our culture, this transition zone is looked upon as a "no-thing", a no-place between places. Sure the old trapeze-bar was real, and that new one coming towards me, I hope that's real too. But the void in between? That's just a scary, confusing, disorienting "nowhere" that must be gotten through as fast as unconsciously as possible. What a waste! I have a sneaking suspicion that the transition zone is the only real thing, and the bars are illusions we dream up to avoid, where the real change, the real growth occurs for us. Whether or not my hunch is true, it remains that the transition zones in our lives are incredibly rich places. They should be honored, even savored. Yes, with all the pain and fear and feelings of being out-of-control that can (but not necessarily) accompany transitions, they are still the most alive, most growth-filled, passionate, expansive moments in our lives.
And so, transformation of fear may have nothing to do with making fear go away, but rather with giving ourselves permission to "hang- out" in the transition between trapeze bars. Transforming our need to grab that new bar, any bar, is allowing ourselves to dwell in the only place where change really happens. It can be terrifying. It can also be enlightening, in the true sense of the word. Hurtling through the void, we just may learn how to fly.
__________________________________________________ ________
yeah... I look at getting clean as one of those transformations/transitions where we hurtle through a seeming void... and if we give ourselves permission, we can hang out there, you know? And really start living!
best to you all,
amanda
eat your veggies... get recovery! 
Bird on the rise
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
Re: Fear of Transformation
Wow Amanda,
There are no accidents in the Universe! Thank you for sharing that passage it really hit home for me, that's exactly where I'm at.
Love
Novemberphoenix
There are no accidents in the Universe! Thank you for sharing that passage it really hit home for me, that's exactly where I'm at.
Love
Novemberphoenix
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: left of center
Posts: 68
Re: Fear of Transformation
I like that...a willingness that developes very slowly over time to be what life asks of us... I read something else last night from recovery literature that said that growth occurs not as a result of wishing, but of action and prayer... cool for me to hear. I am so glad that this passage speaks to others too. Change is always so scary because it means going forward into the unknown.
I have often stayed in something "bad" for me because it was familiar. To go where I can't count on the outcomes seems like asking so much! But the more I do it, the easier it gets to remember that the payoff is almost always worth it!
peacelovelovelove, amanda
I have often stayed in something "bad" for me because it was familiar. To go where I can't count on the outcomes seems like asking so much! But the more I do it, the easier it gets to remember that the payoff is almost always worth it!
peacelovelovelove, amanda
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Re: Fear of Transformation
It's only when I arrived in recovery that I realized that there is much useful information to be learned from the falls down to the net while trying to jump to the next trapeze. Only when I became willing to change was I able to benefit from the experience. Prior, every fall served as a reminder and incentive to stay where I was.
Thanks for that Amanda, fellow piscean.
Thanks for that Amanda, fellow piscean.
Paused
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: left of center
Posts: 68
Re: Fear of Transformation
It feels so good to be understood and to be identified with by you all. Today I am struggling with the pain of sponsoring somebody and being (or at least FEELING) ill equipped to help her. I understand that I cannot give more to somebody else's recovery than they give to it themselves, but one of my character defects has always been that I have this very self-centered belief that I can actually FIX others. I can give them what I worked so hard and long for and traveled my own road to get to... and continue to work toward as I realize I will never be 100% "recovered"... but as much as I understand that intellectually, I STILL want to make it happen for others.
I can only love this woman and share my understanding of and experience of recovery with her. If she is angry, she is allowed to be. I believe fear of transformation has a lot to do with what is going on there too. I am working a first step around the pain of having to let go here. I need to live one day at a time... MY day... not somebody else's day! Right?
And Dan, yes, I understand what you were saying there about how it used to be before recovery when it came to the value of those changes. Yes... every fall was surely confirmation to stay still in the sickness... as a fall couldn't be anything but a failure, right? THANK GOD WE ARE CLEAN!!!!
love to you all!
amanda
I can only love this woman and share my understanding of and experience of recovery with her. If she is angry, she is allowed to be. I believe fear of transformation has a lot to do with what is going on there too. I am working a first step around the pain of having to let go here. I need to live one day at a time... MY day... not somebody else's day! Right?
And Dan, yes, I understand what you were saying there about how it used to be before recovery when it came to the value of those changes. Yes... every fall was surely confirmation to stay still in the sickness... as a fall couldn't be anything but a failure, right? THANK GOD WE ARE CLEAN!!!!
love to you all!
amanda
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
