bobavocado

Hi,

I'm an alcoholic and I'm having trouble staying away from alcohol. My body is bruised and beaten from the alcohol I drank last night. I have no idea what happened. I feel like I'm right back where I started. Last year I managed to get thirty days but now I'm lucky to make four days. I'm scared that I don't really want to quit and that I'm going to drink myself to death. I'm worried that I have to let my life become even more of a hell to convince me to quit. I've been going to meetings regularly for a year and I have mentioned it but I feel a failure and subconsciously imagine that everyone else is judging me as a lost cause. I thought coming on here I could be more open than I feel I can be at meetings.

Nonsensical

Welcome to Sober Recovery.
Rather the nature of alcoholism, having trouble staying away, yes?

It's not that you CAN'T stop. You CAN. You just haven't yet.

And don't confuse a craving for alcohol with not wanting to stop. Craving and judgment come from two different parts of the brain. Doing both at the same time is another defining aspect of alcohol addiction. (The aspect that scares the daylights out of most of us.)

I recommend reading around the various forums here. There is a wealth of information. Change is yours for the taking and making. Just keep reaching out here for it.

Good luck on your journey!

Spinach

No you want to quit that's why your here. It's just the way it is . The trick is to start as soon as you've tripped up. I found it good to count and give importance when the pressures on to think how I would feel in the morning having to start again. You've got to get through this bit , then you have to see the good things that not drinking starts to bring you.
Then you might not need to count. If I can do it after 30years and be happy then you can.
Good luck John?

bobavocado

Thanks guys,

Both your replies were helpful, especially the bit about not confusing a craving with not wanting to stop and counting. I shall check around the forum for help and advice - I made it my home page on my browser so that will help remind me.

Cunning, baffling...

2granddaughters

Bob, keep going to the meetings. There will come time when they won't be able to get you to be quiet.

Did you have a good sponsor and use him? What did he say when you told him you felt like a failure?

Don't give up just before the miracle happens !

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

You can stop and stay sober. Once I made the decision that alcohol was no longer an option, things became clear and I began to deal with my life in more healthy ways. You don't need to go further down in order to quit. I hope that you keep reading and posting here and you'll be inspired.

raja12

I know how you feel. I just started to really want sobriety last December. And like you mentioned, I couldn't seem to stay stopped for any good length of time. Its the nature of the beast that makes us feel bad about ourselves. Hang in there and continue trying. I am. We can do this. I have to do this!

Hevyn

Welcome bob. Glad you found us!

It doesn't sound like fun anymore. It was so hard for me to admit that, and I clung to it for many years. Once I convinced myself it only brought me danger and misery, I was able to get free. You can do it - and being here will help you stick to your plan. Congratulations on reaching out for a better life.

Dib42

Try to make at least one post a day (even if you've been drinking). It will help keep you involved. I lurked here for a year or so, and when I finally started posting, is actually when it started becoming a bit easier to not drink.

Dee74

welcome to SR Bob

D

least

CarolD used to say "you have to want to be sober more than you want to drink" and she was right. How badly do you want to be sober?

bobavocado

Thanks for all your messages of support.

How badly do I want to be sober? I want it badly enough not to end up dead from drinking, failing to live the life I'm given and hurting the ones I love. I want it badly enough that continuing to pick up is like being in a private hell and my state of mind is one of anxiety and torment. It's not trivial. I'm not in denial. I know I'm an alcoholic. I don't doubt it. Changing twenty years of behavior is difficult and I can't do it on my own so I'm on here and I go to meetings. I'll take any suggestion I'm given.

bobavocado

I just watched Rachel Getting Married which was recommended on this site. It was very, very good.

2granddaughters

Bob, how long have you been attending AA meetings?

ClearLight

It took me all kinds of hell to put the breaks on.

I post this clip all the time. It's all about commitment. Not about alcohol but about commitment just the same.
Sean Connery asks Kevin Costner "Do you REALLY want to get Capone?
"You see what I'm saying? What are you prepared to do?"
Costner: "Everything within the law."
Connery: "And THEN what are you prepared to do?"
Connery: "If you open the ball on these people you must be prepared to go ALL THE WAY."
Connery: "Because they won't give up the fight - until one of you is dead."

You've opened up the fight with alcohol and it won't quit.

It's a fight you CAN win.

bobavocado

I've been going on and off for years but last year started taking it seriously after a bad drunk and went daily for a few months. That's when I managed to get 30 days. The meetings have dropped off and this is what happens. I need to be going to a meeting every day to be honest and I have to put it above work and money anxiety (my favorite excuse). I always thought I was an honest person but I'm starting to suspect I'm just good at lying to myself.

2granddaughters

Bob, I believe you have found the answer to your problem... you just have to do it and keep doing it. "half measures availed us nothing"

Get a good sponsor, keep with the oldtimers and surrender yourself to the program. You will be reborn !

You are welcome to PM me if I can be of any help to you.

All the best.

Bob R

2granddaughters

Heading out to a meeting... back in a couple of hours.