hopesprings67

Hi All! I've been an active observer here for awhile but have never posted before. Stopped drinking in January of 2011 and managed to stay stopped for over 90 days in spite of my husband of 22 years announcing two weeks in that he was leaving. Shocked myself by staying resolute until a really, really ugly custody battle as well as loneliness when my son was not home got the best of me. I have found myself in the last year or so isolating myself and drinking wine when that is the last thing I need. Lots of excuses, totally new world being a single-parent, went from stay-at-home mom to having a full-time job, etc., etc. Anyway, decided enough was enough as I'm trying to create a full and happy life for myself and my son and just stopped. I wasn't drinking a ton but enough to be here and recognize that it was holding me back and dragging me down. I've been doing fine (it's not easy to break old habits but nothing earth-shattering) but instead of having cravings for after work wine, I was suddenly struck by the terrifying thought of slipping up. I don't even want to but that thought crept in there. So weird. Kind of like when you quit smoking (if any of you have) and you have a horrible dream wherein you smoked and you wake up feeling terrible. Did this happen to anyone else in early sobriety? Oh, and while I think AA is awesome, I believe I'm more of the AVRT/RR type o' gal. I know drinking is not an option for me as I've given that whole "Maybe I can drink like a normal person" thing a whirl several times and I am simply not a normal drinker. As I said, no cravings just this weird, panicky fear of how horrible I would feel if I did drink!!!! Arrrrgh. Thanks for listening!

Dee74

Hi and welcome

I think a lot of us have had that fear - I think it's good to look at it tho, drag it out into the light, and see it's not really based on anything

The only way you'll drink is if you decide to...and if you're an RR person you'll have already made a Big Plan and a commitment to not drinking and not changing your mind about that, yeah?

try not to let nameless fears have the run of your head

D

least

I'm glad you found us. Early recovery can be very up and down for a while. Your feelings may be all over the map. Stay sober and take good care of yourself. Good food, rest, and exercise if you can. It will get better.

hopesprings67

Thanks so much, D........I think I just needed to make sure that it wasn't just me that is nervous this early on. Everything feels somewhat strange and new and I guess it's normal to feel unsure of yourself. I really appreciate your help. SR is such a cool and supportive place.

fantail

That sounds unpleasant, but ultimately kind of positive, right? I knew for myself that this time quitting would be different because whenever I think about drinking my throat closes up. I got very sick the last day I drank and, similarly to when I was a kid and couldn't eat cinnamon for a few years after getting the flu on a day I had a cinnamon bun... when I imagine sipping alcohol my stomach turns. Not so much that it would stop me drinking if I wanted to... but just enough to cut those urges down to size.

Maybe your strong reaction just means that you've really fully internalized it this time.

hopesprings67

Thanks, Fantail........I think you're right in that it's in the process of being internalized. Had a really vivid dream last night wherein I was drinking and I was SO upset with myself. Woke up and it took a little bit of time to realize it was only a (very bad) dream.