Dag2378

Hello all. New to this site, but I have been in recovery for 4 months. My wife just moved out. She has been staying away for two months but started moving her stuff out today. She begged me for two years to control my drinking. I was good about it for the most part. My problem lies in the fact that once I start, I do not stop. I would go a month without, then boom. I would go out and drink way too much and embarrass her or say mean things that I would later regret. This happened multiple times and I always chose alcohol over my marriage. It finally came to a head around thanksgiving when I went to a bar and got into pretty deep trouble. It has cost us thousands in medical and legal bills. It was quite a wake up call for me. I quit drinking all together and feel great about that, but my wife said she has had enough. She said she doesn't love me anymore and will never trust me. She wants kids and said she could never have them with me. Although I quit drinking, she said it was too little too late. I guess you could say this day could be a pretty good trigger to just get hammered but I won't. She is unwilling to give me a second(more like 10th) chance but I refuse to give in to alcohol anymore. I guess what I'm saying is that although I've lost the love of my life and any dreams of a family with her; although I've never ever felt this kind of pain before in my life, I think I've gained so much more by living a sober lifestyle and the thought of tomorrow morning hung over makes me queezy. Alcohol made me a self centered ***** and it took losing the best thing to ever happen to me to realize it. You never know when the next chance you get after disappointing someone will be your last. It turns out I punched that ticket one too many times. I will never forgive myself for what I gave up, but I am now going to be greatful for all that I've gained. Understanding an alcoholics thought process is very hard for non alcoholics. People who don't abuse alcohol can take it personally when you choose to drink against their wishes and will get fed up and will lose trust. I'm left with the pieces of a shattered marriage that I broke. If anyone out there is on thin ice with their loved ones, you may mess up again, and you may lose them. Just try and get something positive out of all the wreckage you have brought. I know it's hard, it's a struggle every day but I'm trying and Ill never lose hope. It's all I've got left.

Doug

Acheleus

I was with my woman four years. Living and working together. I messed up and left her drunken messages I don't even remember. I haven't heard from her in four months. Today is my tenth day of sobriety. Even though I lost a great friend I know it is time for me to quit drinking for good, even though it destroyed the best relationship I ever had. Be well.

Odelle

I am so sorry you are going through a marital break-up, Dag, but you seem to be in a good place in your head. You are right, drinking won’t change anything, in fact, that would only further complicate matters. Are you involved in AA or do you have an outside support group to help you deal with this loss? You have done so well in your sobriety so far, please reach out for help if needed.

Cc77

Guys I was with my boyfriend for 10 months. I drank for the last two months and hid it although he is a daily drinker. Well he kicked me out and I went to rehab. I am 30 days clean. He wants nothing to do with me because he drinks daily and is afraid that he will cause me to relapse. I think it's pretty crappy, although I am an alcoholic, that he left me because he is a daily drinker. Wow I barely got a chance but I am sober today and nothing will take that away from me. I know the feeling of a broken relationship.. It sucks! But I am determined to not lose ANYTHING else to a freakin beer!! Ever!!

Dag2378

Thank you. Odelle, I do attend AA about twice a month, sometimes less. I haven't found a sponsor and don't have any outside support groups. I like AA but I just don't want to work the steps. Call it laziness or being just too busy but I just don't do it. I know the steps work for a lot of people but I get caught up in some of the wording and don't fully agree with all of it. It may sound stupid but I prefer just going to the meetings and not taking thoughts of alcohol home to work on. If I'm thinking about the steps or AA when I'm not there, I feel like my thoughts are on alcohol in some form or another. Out of sight out of mind seems to work better for me. I know, it sounds dumb, but it works for me. Thanks for the reply.
Regards,
Doug

shauninspain

Very sorry to hear that you and your wife have parted. You never know however, she may come round once she sees that you mean business, and stay sober for a good amount of time. As you know all too well, drinking will not help you one iota, so don't bother going there. Stay close to SR, and also to AA. A couple of meetings a week would be useful, if only to be around other people who understand and know your thought processes about alcohol. Take care.

Odelle

There are many different approaches to sobriety, Dag, and there isn’t a single one that is a solution for everyone. SR has a secular thread that may offer some insight to you - Secular Connections - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information You may also want to Google search PAWS (post-acute withdrawal symptoms) and AVRT (addictive voice recognition technique). I find that self-education through research and reading about the physical and psychological withdrawal symptoms and associated timelines during recovery has helped to reinforce my resolve of complete abstinence. You will find a lot of support here, along with different methods to achieving the same goal. Give yourself time to grieve your loss, but don’t allow it to drag you down to the point of relapse. Who knows, maybe with time and space, your wife will have a change of heart. Take care of yourself and keep up the good work!

RyanP

I read the book I downloaded the app and listened to the book thats what I did for it to make sense to me its a huge help, your story is identical to mine except we did have a kid, a year and a half old he was when she said she didn't love me any more I didn't except that didn't think she was allowed to do that, but turns out she is. We lived together for six months after that, I was drunk most the time and getting worse every day I was so mad at her, over and over again the same conversations while I built more and more accusations in my head I did so many stupid things and blamed her for driving me to do them and making a complete fool out of myself while missing out with my awesome boy, i still did lots with him but i feel i wasnt all there i dont remember some things, hes only 2 i hope he doesnt remember lots of things. she finally moved out 3 months ago I've been sober 3 months,WHY how could I think like that and thinking the whole time thats what I have to do to get her back,that IS the way I thought WTF where is the sense in that I cannot not beleive I didn't get sober earlier I had to destroy everything, before I could fix myself. She walked out I am grateful to her for that I can't help but love her forever for that, don't know if the romance will come back, but I have a family still, not under the same roof but I get my time with my son 70 percent actually I would have only had supervised visits when it was convenient to her if I didn't sober up, now we even share our time with all 3 of us together I'm happy, don't know how we will end up but I get trust back thats huge. Just like u not the happy life I had planned but its most deffinatly a life worth staying sober for. Don't know why I never considered sobriety before, that's the insanity alcohol gave me. I'm never going back there again

RyanP

Sorry I get 30 percent she gets 70 oops I'm not that good yet

Dag2378

I have faith that it will all work out. I am trying not to dwell on it too much. I think my bigger issue now, more so than alcohol is just sheer stress. I went back to school at a very tough engineering school and she was working to support us. I have to now figure out how to finish my last 2 years while working even more. The house is in my name so I could rent it out but that's another nicely wrapped stress package. I made this bed so I have to sleep in it but wow. Guess I really screwed that one up too. Even four months later, I'm still picking up my own mess and will be for a while. I think I just hit a point where enough is enough. I'm a good person, except when I drink, and that is so unacceptable to me. I feel like the next drink I take will lead to my death or a lengthy prison sentence. I would always drink to cope with stress oblivious to the fact it was causing me more of it. Thanks Ryan.
Good luck and take care of that kiddo. You're lucky.

Doug

Lionhearted1

Hi doug, I went through a break up aswell due to my unexceptable behaviour when drunk it was heart breaking little angel had just turned 1 at the time I moved out and got sort of sober we managed to sort things out after 9 months I moved back in. I wish I could say I have been sober ever since but I can't I know the next time I mess up that will be it but even that thought would not keep me sober. Iam finally seeing that its not the stopping that's hard for me it's the staying stopped and maybe I do need a power greater than myself for that. Good luck and well done on 4 months.

least

I'm sorry you're going thru this mess but glad you've gotten sober despite it.