Louise82

For some reason, I only get up the courage to start a new thread here when I'm doing work for a particular client. Boredom will drive you to anything, eh?

Anyway, despite me having 44 days, attending AA meetings, having a sponsor and being in the middle of step 1, I chose to "have a glass a wine" with my dad last week. To the surprise of no one, that one drink led to me drinking for 4 days straight. I am 3 days back today.

This is not AA's fault. This is not my sponsor's fault. This is not my dad's fault. This is not the cute barman's fault. I didn't slip over and land face down in a glass of wine. My face isn't that small. I chose to do it because there was still that 1% of me that thought I could. Breaking news: I can't. That 1% is now gone.

Please read this bit very carefully: I am extremely blessed that the 4 days didn't turn out to be my last 4 days alive or turn into 4 years.

Please, if you identify as an alcoholic and you're thinking about going back out there and trying to drink moderately, don't do it. It's not worth the risk.

I am very lucky that it was only 4 days. It still managed to be worse than before.



As for me, what I need to do next - apart from not drink - is to realize that this is not a game but something I need to start taking deadly seriously, because alcoholism is taking me deadly seriously and always will do.

I need to start following suggestions from people in AA and stop being so hubristic as to think I know best. I went to my first meeting back tonight and I need to keep going back. I need to find out exactly how pissed off my sponsor is after I drunkenly told her I was drinking by text. I need to continue to work the steps with her (if she'll still have me).

And the next damn time I start asking myself if I can't just have one drink, I'll remember this conversation from Family Guy (which I've probably actually misremembered but this is the general gist of it).

Jillian: How do I know if I'm Jewish?
Brian: Well, are you Jewish?
Jillian: No
Brian: Well, there you go, sport.
Jillian: Thanks!

"How do I know I can't drink moderately?"
"Well, can you drink moderately?"
"No"
"Well, there you go, sport".

Thanks for reading and thanks for keeping me sober today.

Dee74

It's one of the best lessons to learn I think.
Welcome back Louise

D

least

I'm glad you're back at it now.

Hevyn

Great post, Louise! I'm so glad you are back with new resolve. You are going to do it this time.

I once had 3 years sober. Decided I would have 'a glass' of wine. The glass turned into many that night, and I was off....for 7 yrs. It was hell to pull myself back out of it - worse than ever. Glad your 4 days didn't become 4 years - or a lifetime. Proud of you!!

ReadyAtLast

welcome back louise

shauninspain

Yes, that nagging suspicion that we are like other people HAS to be totally crushed. I can say with certainty that mine has been. But in order to keep it crushed I must, on a daily basis, put in certain actions. I no longer go to AA, however I can post here and I do so first thing in the morning. Also I must find time in the evening to post more.

To be honest, when in AA my sponsor told me to read some of the Big Book, read my 'just for today' card, review my gratitude list and ring 2 newcomers in the morning before I did anything else. I ended up hating the process and did it begrudgingly. Going it alone without AA is a risk for me, but I feel much more enthusiastic with the things that I do now.

Anyway, welcome back and I look forward to reading more from you.

Hefner

Welcome back Louise. I'm glad you rebounded so quickly.

dun

Thanks for posting, I just did the same thing. I am so mad at myself, but also greatfull im not dead or in jail. Keep on keeping on.........

Louise82

Thanks for sharing this Shaun. By doing what your sponsor said, even begrudgingly, you did far better than I would have done. Before I picked up that first drink last week, my sponsor was asking me to do far less than that and I still wasn't doing half of it. I'm now starting to realise that I'm very lucky to have the sponsor I do and it's time for me to stop taking her for granted. All the best on your recovery journey.

Haha, jinx! As you were posting this, I was reading your thread and posting on it. Yeah, I was so angry at myself at first it was unbelievable. This was me: Now that feeling is subsiding. It will go away for you too, I promise. It's a matter of time.

Delilah1

Good for you for coming back so quickly!!!

full_collapse

I think there is something in all of us in which we have 'hope' that we can be a normal and live in moderation. it is normal. same happened to me last night.

soberlicious

This is true. But there also comes a time for many of us that we know the truth. The jig is up. The last bit of research is done. The question is finally answered once and for all. Took me some time to get to that place, but once I got there I knew and I finally had peace.

readytobeme

Welcome back! You've touched on the absolute number 1 thing that scares me the most. "I'll just have one." It sounds glorious. It's been my hope all along. That I will get to a place where I go, "Oh, I'll only have one." Unfortunately, it doesn't work for some of us - and we have to just deal with that. It sucks. But it's better with 0 than with 1 or however many we can get to. Make sure to keep reminding yourself that - 0 is the only number that matters. Shake it off - try again - you're going to do great this time.

deeker

Awesome Post! Glad you are back! Enough research and development for me.

SoberKat9

Thank you for this post and congrats on making it back. Same thing happened to be but it took 2 years for me to get back on the sober track.

It is so true that "I'll just have one" just isn't possible for me.

javamama

Thanks for this post, same thing goes for me. I can do ok..until I have that "one" which turns into many more.

instant

For me there came I time when I embraced sobriety and hung on with everything alcohol had left me with. Turns out it was enough. I was my own worst enemy.