Girlfriend is finally in Rehab, now what?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Girlfriend is finally in Rehab, now what?
Afternoon All,
I am new here, seeking help and guidance on how to help (not enable) my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I have known each other since high school. We actually went to her senior homecoming together back in 2000 as good friends. We lost touch for several years (almost a decade) and by some chance we reunited, began a relationship, and are now living together.
We have been together now for 10 months, and it wasn't until we were together for about 5 months did I realize she had a drinking problem. I guess I didn't realize it at first because we are both social animals. We would always be out with friends having a few drinks at night. She would always drink more than me, but I guess I didn't pay much attention to it.
Well, I guess it was about 7-8 months into the relationship that I finally realized that she had a very serious problem. She was drinking all day everyday and well into the night. Anytime we would go out, anywhere, she would have to have a supply of alcohol in the car. I being very cautious about this would always tell her not to bring alcohol to [insert location here]. This always ended up in arguments. She was also have me stop and pick up more alcohol even though I knew we had alcohol at the house. Enough for a normal person in my mind, but she would fight over this as well saying she didn't care how much was at the house and to stop and get more anyway. (I realize now that she drank way more than normal, apparently she had been hiding it from me)
Prior to with me she was in a long term relationship with her ex, and had a child with him. This relationship of five years with her old boyfriend ended badly and she left him, and took the daughter with her. Apparently he was deep into drugs and had abused her in the relationship. (He has visitation rights however, that he does exercise)
So as the months go by we begin to talk about her problem more and more. I tell her that she needs to seek help but she somehow always pushed it off. I finally one Saturday morning told her to get out and that I am leaving her. I told her my only wish was for her to get better. I made sure she and her daughter would have a place to go and that I wouldn't just be "throwing then to the street. I love her and could never do that knowingly. Her and her daughter lived with me, and I support both of them financially. She does not work and is a stay at home mom. Luckily I have made good decisions and make around 95K a year and am able to do this.
So finally after doing this, she agreed that as part of the terms of being with me, she had to go to detox and rehab. She is now into her second week of being sober, and is still in rehab.
So I am not sure exactly what to do now. I know nothing about alcoholism and the disease, and I am not sure what to do, or what to not do. I started goggling things and ended up here.
So what do I do now? I successfully got her to detox and go to rehab, but I know this is not going to be easy from her out. What should I expect, and what shouldn't I expect on her coming out of rehab? I have already removed all alcohol from the house, and I have no problems not drinking ever again. I guess it is easy for me to put it down without a second guess.
Help?
Thanks,
Chris
I am new here, seeking help and guidance on how to help (not enable) my girlfriend. My girlfriend and I have known each other since high school. We actually went to her senior homecoming together back in 2000 as good friends. We lost touch for several years (almost a decade) and by some chance we reunited, began a relationship, and are now living together.
We have been together now for 10 months, and it wasn't until we were together for about 5 months did I realize she had a drinking problem. I guess I didn't realize it at first because we are both social animals. We would always be out with friends having a few drinks at night. She would always drink more than me, but I guess I didn't pay much attention to it.
Well, I guess it was about 7-8 months into the relationship that I finally realized that she had a very serious problem. She was drinking all day everyday and well into the night. Anytime we would go out, anywhere, she would have to have a supply of alcohol in the car. I being very cautious about this would always tell her not to bring alcohol to [insert location here]. This always ended up in arguments. She was also have me stop and pick up more alcohol even though I knew we had alcohol at the house. Enough for a normal person in my mind, but she would fight over this as well saying she didn't care how much was at the house and to stop and get more anyway. (I realize now that she drank way more than normal, apparently she had been hiding it from me)
Prior to with me she was in a long term relationship with her ex, and had a child with him. This relationship of five years with her old boyfriend ended badly and she left him, and took the daughter with her. Apparently he was deep into drugs and had abused her in the relationship. (He has visitation rights however, that he does exercise)
So as the months go by we begin to talk about her problem more and more. I tell her that she needs to seek help but she somehow always pushed it off. I finally one Saturday morning told her to get out and that I am leaving her. I told her my only wish was for her to get better. I made sure she and her daughter would have a place to go and that I wouldn't just be "throwing then to the street. I love her and could never do that knowingly. Her and her daughter lived with me, and I support both of them financially. She does not work and is a stay at home mom. Luckily I have made good decisions and make around 95K a year and am able to do this.
So finally after doing this, she agreed that as part of the terms of being with me, she had to go to detox and rehab. She is now into her second week of being sober, and is still in rehab.
So I am not sure exactly what to do now. I know nothing about alcoholism and the disease, and I am not sure what to do, or what to not do. I started goggling things and ended up here.
So what do I do now? I successfully got her to detox and go to rehab, but I know this is not going to be easy from her out. What should I expect, and what shouldn't I expect on her coming out of rehab? I have already removed all alcohol from the house, and I have no problems not drinking ever again. I guess it is easy for me to put it down without a second guess.
Help?
Thanks,
Chris
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
to SR! The best thing you can do for your gf is support her in her sober life without enabling her. No alcohol in the house is a good start. Let her know you love her but set boundaries for her behavior so she doesn't start drinking again.Take a look at our friends and family forum for more insight from people in your situation.
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Vancouver BC
Posts: 144
You are a kind person and she's dang lucky you are in the position where you can care for her. You might want to consider al-anon or some other avenue that is similar. You do need to become educated (and it sounds like you have that desire to do that.)
I wish I could be a bit more informal, but I'm recovering myself.
Knowledge is the key though, so find out as much as you can!!
I wish I could be a bit more informal, but I'm recovering myself.
Knowledge is the key though, so find out as much as you can!!
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,066
Welcome Chris!
There's a lot of support here, but how about calling the rehab facility and asking them? There may be a "family day" event that you will be requested to attend (I did this when my wife was in rehab). They might also say what type of follow-up is suggested for your girlfriend.
Some people (like you) can give up alcohol and that's it. Others (like me and my wife) need constant reminders that we must not drink. It is a lifelong process, and supporting my beloved alcoholic wife is something that needs special attention every day.
For example, I am five months sober today, she is sober four months and 27 days. Yesterday, my wife called me from work and said she had a rough day at the convenience store selling lots of ice cold wine, and "Wouldn't some cold wine be good?" I thought, oh yes, it would be wonderful, and I said to her, "No, that wouldn't be a good idea. I love you, see you soon." Then I **** bricks for an hour until she got home, still wondering if she would buy wine. But she had strength, and didn't do it. It's NOT easy for us, and it will take some work from you too. I strongly recommend Al-Anon meetings for you; my wife and I go to AA as much as possible.
Best wishes!
∞cf
There's a lot of support here, but how about calling the rehab facility and asking them? There may be a "family day" event that you will be requested to attend (I did this when my wife was in rehab). They might also say what type of follow-up is suggested for your girlfriend.
Some people (like you) can give up alcohol and that's it. Others (like me and my wife) need constant reminders that we must not drink. It is a lifelong process, and supporting my beloved alcoholic wife is something that needs special attention every day.
For example, I am five months sober today, she is sober four months and 27 days. Yesterday, my wife called me from work and said she had a rough day at the convenience store selling lots of ice cold wine, and "Wouldn't some cold wine be good?" I thought, oh yes, it would be wonderful, and I said to her, "No, that wouldn't be a good idea. I love you, see you soon." Then I **** bricks for an hour until she got home, still wondering if she would buy wine. But she had strength, and didn't do it. It's NOT easy for us, and it will take some work from you too. I strongly recommend Al-Anon meetings for you; my wife and I go to AA as much as possible.
Best wishes!
∞cf
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
There will be an Al-Anon meeting(s) in your area. I would call them (they are in the book).
As stated by Coldfusion AA will be her salvation and Al-Anon will help you cope with her restoration to sanity. Be prepared for the ride of your life.
All the best.
Bob R
As stated by Coldfusion AA will be her salvation and Al-Anon will help you cope with her restoration to sanity. Be prepared for the ride of your life.
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 2
Thanks for the feedback all. I will check out the family section and read through as much as I can. I will also look up al-anon meetings around the area, and will be sure to incorporate these meetings into our lives. I do have a family day scheduled with her tomorrow. I hope to learn as much as I can about her current condition, and steps that need to be taken to move forward away from her/our old lifestyle.
I have set boundaries for her, but up til now I don't think she took them seriously. Hopefully now she realizes she has too. I know she herself knows she has an issue, and she has finally accepted it. She says that just talking about it with her friends and family has helped her tremendously through this period. Hopefully that spirit continues.
Thanks all!
I have set boundaries for her, but up til now I don't think she took them seriously. Hopefully now she realizes she has too. I know she herself knows she has an issue, and she has finally accepted it. She says that just talking about it with her friends and family has helped her tremendously through this period. Hopefully that spirit continues.
Thanks all!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 226
Heya Chris, welcome. I wanted to chime in with the others and their recommendations about al-anon. You may have made boundaries for her, they may suggest making boundaries for yourself. She will have to want sobriety, really, profoundly want it in order to maintain it. That is something you can't control. It most definitely can be done, and she is very fortunate to have you in her corner. I sometimes wonder which is more difficult: to be the alcoholic or to be the person with the alcoholic. Be sure to look after yourself too.
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