SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Just introducing myself. :)

My name's Ashli. I'm 23 years old and have been drinking for the past 5 years. For the past 3 years I've wanted to stop because I only binge drink, and at times it's worse and more frequent than other times. I am the most serious about quitting now, although it's still hard and I am literally only on day one. Every other time I've failed at quitting it's been because alcohol's just so available everywhere and literally every single person I know drinks. I've never had any real support in my effort, so I figured I'd join this forum.

On top of struggling with an addiction to alcohol, I am also diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I'm on medication and see a therapist once a month. I have a huge family and most of them have mental disorders such as depression, bipolar disorder, anxiety disorders, and there are a couple of cases of schizophrenia. They also almost all have addiction problems, so I'm quite sure the major root of my problems lie in my genes.

I have major identity issues (which I've only recently realized). I've drastically tried to start my life over with a new appearance and new type of lifestyle countless times only to fall back into the black hole of drinking to soothe my anxieties and insecurities. I've had crippling social anxiety since my last boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me last June (which forced me to move back in with my parents in Ohio when I had been living in California and built my whole life out there -- school, friends, networking, etc.). I really have nothing here in Ohio and am trying to figure out where to move next to start my life anew again.

Most of the time I feel as if I have nothing to do, and so I get lonely easily and am very easily tempted by alcohol. I've drank more in the past week than I have in years, even though I wanted this past week to be my first sober week. I'm trying again starting today.

I'm hoping this forum will help me in my recovery. I want to be able to be content, funny, and sociable without the aid of alcohol. I know alcohol is just making my depression and anxieties worse by simply acting as a band-aid rather than treating the actual problem. It's all fine and dandy when I'm intoxicated, but the more I'm used to my intoxicated state of mind the harder it is for me to function normally sober. That's my biggest obstacle on top of just being bored and lonely all the time.

Anyhoo . . . that's actually a pretty brief introduction of me and my problems. Heh. On the positive side I like to sing (and am good at it); I enjoy music, writing, reading, video games, nature, and have recently started to paint with watercolors, which I seem to enjoy. I also love animals and hope to start horseback riding lessons soon. I've just recently started looking for jobs after being unemployed for over a year due to going to college full-time and being able to live off of financial aid, but my social anxiety is so through the roof that I'm hesitating with it. I'm also only looking into night auditing for hotels because I feel like it would suit me best (I've also had chronic insomnia my entire life).

To be honest, I love life and think it's beautiful; I want to become healthy, selfless, and productive to get the most out of the gift that is life, and I know it's not going to happen so long as I drink. It makes me too dependent on instant gratification, which always just leaves me sad and frustrated in the end when that gratification is gone. It also makes me lazy because the intoxication fulfills me enough to not be motivated to really do anything productive; then when I'm sober I'm not used to working for happiness, which is really what life seems to be about.

Anyway -- I've gone on far too long! :) I'm just joining this forum in hopes of it aiding me in my recovery. I need all the support I can get, it seems.