And....the ball stopped
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 3,062
I am very inspired by you reading how you are dealing with this. You have a deep commitment to your sobriety. Without that, for me, I know my future will not be too positive. I also think it is wonderful that you are feeling...I'm working on being able to do that. What I have learned so far in my sobriety is that when I do have them, I need to sit with them rather then run. You are very much facing them.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Interesting that he is so angry that you asked him to spend some time with you without alcohol. Sounds like the booze is pretty important to him.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by soberlicious 
Interesting that he is so angry that you asked him to spend some time with you without alcohol. Sounds like the booze is pretty important to him.
The whole conversation turned argument then went off topic. Now, who knows?
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Originally Posted by Mizzuno
So my lack of caring turned into caring.
From what I read, he appears angry because you are threatening his drinking. His relationship with alcohol is far from normal if he is putting it in front of you at this critical time.
Stop blaming yourself. You haven't done anything wrong to ask to connect with your husband. Be careful. IMO, he's gaslighting you.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
What is gaslighting? Looked it up. I think that my husband is really pissed about a lot. I also think that my not drinking is rather uncomfortable for him. We do change after giving up the alcohol. Our tolerance for being around others who drinks declines. He told me i was like a walking morgue. That his happy wife left. I had to say that this whole situation has shaken me to the core and I need more than a month to recover from such a dangerous place. I am not angry with him. I will allow him his anger. He will or will not come around. I am doing everything that i can to not drink and to heal. Dinner tonight: Frosted Mini Wheats.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Trying to confuse the issue, turn the tables, make things your fault that aren't...You find yourself apologizing...for what you're not sure, but you just want it to end.
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Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Gulf Coast, Florida USA
Posts: 5,731
Originally Posted by 2granddaughters
Mizz, might be time to call your sponsor and hit a meeting. Get things in perspective.
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 987
Mizz---so sorry you had such a crappy day today but you do seem to be thinking clearly even though I am sure it hurts like a b!tch. I agree 100% with what Soberlicious is saying. When I read your initial post I thought (because of something you posted the other night), "I wonder if she confronted him about his drinking and he just 'kitchen-sinked' her."
(kitchen-sinking might be a term only in my family but it means to throw everything at someone as a way of deflecting from oneself---gaslighting as Soberlicious calls it).
So that sort of sounds like what happened, huh? I doubt it was so much about YOU or his son or the other crap he threw at you and more about you bringing up to him that you were getting uncomfortable with his nightly drinking. People hate mirrors, Mizz.
And, as the sage Soberlicious also said, you have every damn right to change your mind. You were probably feeling vulnerable and distressed when you promised him he didn't have to stop and now that you are clear of that situation and the drinking, you realize it is not OK. And if it is no longer OK, then it is no longer OK. I sure as hell know I could not be around somenone who drank nightly or even semi-reguarly right now. I am not terribly evolved that way but I think I would also get pretty darn resentful after awhile that this person who is supposed to be my partner and love me isn't supporting me. But that's just me and my relationship record does indeed show my lack of evolution
But don't you DARE beat yourself up for this for one minute more. If he wants to sleep in a separate room, fine. There is nothing that you did that is "so bad" that you deserve to not have an equal say and be able to change your mind.
((Hugs)) to you tonight. You're going to be just fine...forget about him for now.
(kitchen-sinking might be a term only in my family but it means to throw everything at someone as a way of deflecting from oneself---gaslighting as Soberlicious calls it).
So that sort of sounds like what happened, huh? I doubt it was so much about YOU or his son or the other crap he threw at you and more about you bringing up to him that you were getting uncomfortable with his nightly drinking. People hate mirrors, Mizz.
And, as the sage Soberlicious also said, you have every damn right to change your mind. You were probably feeling vulnerable and distressed when you promised him he didn't have to stop and now that you are clear of that situation and the drinking, you realize it is not OK. And if it is no longer OK, then it is no longer OK. I sure as hell know I could not be around somenone who drank nightly or even semi-reguarly right now. I am not terribly evolved that way but I think I would also get pretty darn resentful after awhile that this person who is supposed to be my partner and love me isn't supporting me. But that's just me and my relationship record does indeed show my lack of evolution
But don't you DARE beat yourself up for this for one minute more. If he wants to sleep in a separate room, fine. There is nothing that you did that is "so bad" that you deserve to not have an equal say and be able to change your mind.
((Hugs)) to you tonight. You're going to be just fine...forget about him for now.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 346
Mizz, I just saw this, you hanging in there ok? I can only imagine how difficult it must be to have alcohol around. Please let me know if you ever need an ear... According to Myers- Briggs I am an impeccable listener and have a very absorbable shoulder 
Please keep posting and maybe make a passionflower run? This is what I have when I am craving a glass of wine... Hope it makes you smile, and might I add my eyesight is impeccable
Please keep posting and maybe make a passionflower run? This is what I have when I am craving a glass of wine... Hope it makes you smile, and might I add my eyesight is impeccable Member
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Originally Posted by Ptcapote
Mizz---so sorry you had such a crappy day today but you do seem to be thinking clearly even though I am sure it hurts like a b!tch. I agree 100% with what Soberlicious is saying. When I read your initial post I thought (because of something you posted the other night), "I wonder if she confronted him about his drinking and he just 'kitchen-sinked' her."
(kitchen-sinking might be a term only in my family but it means to throw everything at someone as a way of deflecting from oneself---gaslighting as Soberlicious calls it).
So that sort of sounds like what happened, huh? I doubt it was so much about YOU or his son or the other crap he threw at you and more about you bringing up to him that you were getting uncomfortable with his nightly drinking. People hate mirrors, Mizz.
And, as the sage Soberlicious also said, you have every damn right to change your mind. You were probably feeling vulnerable and distressed when you promised him he didn't have to stop and now that you are clear of that situation and the drinking, you realize it is not OK. And if it is no longer OK, then it is no longer OK. I sure as hell know I could not be around somenone who drank nightly or even semi-reguarly right now. I am not terribly evolved that way but I think I would also get pretty darn resentful after awhile that this person who is supposed to be my partner and love me isn't supporting me. But that's just me and my relationship record does indeed show my lack of evolution
But don't you DARE beat yourself up for this for one minute more. If he wants to sleep in a separate room, fine. There is nothing that you did that is "so bad" that you deserve to not have an equal say and be able to change your mind.
((Hugs)) to you tonight. You're going to be just fine...forget about him for now.
(kitchen-sinking might be a term only in my family but it means to throw everything at someone as a way of deflecting from oneself---gaslighting as Soberlicious calls it).
So that sort of sounds like what happened, huh? I doubt it was so much about YOU or his son or the other crap he threw at you and more about you bringing up to him that you were getting uncomfortable with his nightly drinking. People hate mirrors, Mizz.
And, as the sage Soberlicious also said, you have every damn right to change your mind. You were probably feeling vulnerable and distressed when you promised him he didn't have to stop and now that you are clear of that situation and the drinking, you realize it is not OK. And if it is no longer OK, then it is no longer OK. I sure as hell know I could not be around somenone who drank nightly or even semi-reguarly right now. I am not terribly evolved that way but I think I would also get pretty darn resentful after awhile that this person who is supposed to be my partner and love me isn't supporting me. But that's just me and my relationship record does indeed show my lack of evolution
But don't you DARE beat yourself up for this for one minute more. If he wants to sleep in a separate room, fine. There is nothing that you did that is "so bad" that you deserve to not have an equal say and be able to change your mind.
((Hugs)) to you tonight. You're going to be just fine...forget about him for now.
Thank you. The tears are rolling again. They are good ones, I think. He can do whatever he needs to do. I appreciate the support and really need it right now. Thank you so much. Hugs to you!
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Mizz,
Just saw this now, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can definitely relate to wanting your husband to stop drinking, it is hard. Mine still has beer every night, and I think he was secretly relieved when I began having a glass of wine at night again, now he is thinking "here we go again."
I love my husband dearly, as I am sure you do, however, there are moments when I think "how on earth did I marry this guy." Sleeping in a different room sounds like a good idea for you tonight.
Enjoy those frosted mini wheats, I am proud of you for not drinking. Sending love from San Diego!!!
Just saw this now, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I can definitely relate to wanting your husband to stop drinking, it is hard. Mine still has beer every night, and I think he was secretly relieved when I began having a glass of wine at night again, now he is thinking "here we go again."
I love my husband dearly, as I am sure you do, however, there are moments when I think "how on earth did I marry this guy." Sleeping in a different room sounds like a good idea for you tonight.
Enjoy those frosted mini wheats, I am proud of you for not drinking. Sending love from San Diego!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
Mizzuno I am pulling for you. My marriage has been pretty rocky before and after my sobriety at times.
Some days I simply do not know what will happen but accept that I do not have to make a decision right this second. I said I would give it a whole year of sobriety and then assess the situation.
Some days it seems like it will never work, other days the opposite.
Like someone said people hate mirrors. My wife is not a drunk but she has some serious anger and emotional issues to work thru.
Point is she sees that I have changed course and in the mirror she is afraid she does not know how to change herself. So she subconsciously tries to throw me off. I have been 'gaslighted' plenty of times.
This guy in a meeting said some days he simply stayed sober out of spite. I use that some days now. No matter what the issues are outside of my control, when every other tool fails, I can fall back on spite. Theres nothing my wife or anyone can do to get me to drink. So there!
This too shall pass.
Some days I simply do not know what will happen but accept that I do not have to make a decision right this second. I said I would give it a whole year of sobriety and then assess the situation.
Some days it seems like it will never work, other days the opposite.
Like someone said people hate mirrors. My wife is not a drunk but she has some serious anger and emotional issues to work thru.
Point is she sees that I have changed course and in the mirror she is afraid she does not know how to change herself. So she subconsciously tries to throw me off. I have been 'gaslighted' plenty of times.
This guy in a meeting said some days he simply stayed sober out of spite. I use that some days now. No matter what the issues are outside of my control, when every other tool fails, I can fall back on spite. Theres nothing my wife or anyone can do to get me to drink. So there!
This too shall pass.
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