How do I handle this one?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: salt Lake
Posts: 488
How do I handle this one?
My youngest daughter (19) was staying with my older daugher for a few weeks because she broke her foot. The cast came off today. Now my younger daughter will be coming back home.
For the last few weeks I have just had 21 year old son and my workaholic husband home is all. My son keeps to himself and my hubby is almost always gone. I feel like I was just beginning to find myself. With her out of the house for a bit it has caused me to wonder what my relationship is with my husband. I have not been feeling too close to him. I have enjoyed it lately because I have really taken care of me!
I feel such the need to keep my 19 year old daughter happy when she is at home. She is a sweet girl, but can be very empotionally draining. She is used to using my car also. I never tell her no. I can't allow things with her to be the same when she comes home, but I just don't feel up to addressing any of these issues with her. I have really enjoyed just worring about me only lately. And actually spending time helping others in AA.
Lately I don't know what or how I feel about my husband and now my daugher is coming home. Her and my husband do not get along either (even though she is his bio child).
I love my family and I want to be married(I think) but I guess I have never really got to know "me". With my daughter coming home it is going to be hard to just focus on me.
I can just feel the stress and tention coming on, which some of which I know I am creating myself.
And it's the weekend. Not feeling so good about it.
For the last few weeks I have just had 21 year old son and my workaholic husband home is all. My son keeps to himself and my hubby is almost always gone. I feel like I was just beginning to find myself. With her out of the house for a bit it has caused me to wonder what my relationship is with my husband. I have not been feeling too close to him. I have enjoyed it lately because I have really taken care of me!
I feel such the need to keep my 19 year old daughter happy when she is at home. She is a sweet girl, but can be very empotionally draining. She is used to using my car also. I never tell her no. I can't allow things with her to be the same when she comes home, but I just don't feel up to addressing any of these issues with her. I have really enjoyed just worring about me only lately. And actually spending time helping others in AA.
Lately I don't know what or how I feel about my husband and now my daugher is coming home. Her and my husband do not get along either (even though she is his bio child).
I love my family and I want to be married(I think) but I guess I have never really got to know "me". With my daughter coming home it is going to be hard to just focus on me.
I can just feel the stress and tention coming on, which some of which I know I am creating myself.
And it's the weekend. Not feeling so good about it.
Aka.. Indamiricale. :)
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Dr.Bob's Neighbor
Posts: 2,728
And actually spending time helping others in AA.
Don't worry about the others in the group right now.. You need to get your own sobriety... That is what they are there for..
My recommendation is not to over-react on any of this right now... Just go to more meetings and get more phone numbers. And use them, call people when you are not at a meeting.. Get a sponsor ASAP and start working on you.. So then you will be able to handle the things with the family in time , and the right way..
You can do it, it just another saturday and sunday.. One minute of one day at a time..
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: South East England
Posts: 8,009
Oh Kitty, hang in there xxx
My daughter is 17, and I reckon there must be something about teenage daughters that can really press our buttons.
Maybe it's time for an honest talk to her, set some boundaries. Try not to make it sound as though you're criticising her because girls can be so overly-sensitive. Ask for her help. Does she understand fully your problems with alcohol? Tell her you're struggling and ask her on an adult level for her understanding. She may have just got used to behaving a certain way without thinking of any consequences to you. Teenagers are also very self-absorbed.
At 19, she is ready to start taking on some grown-up responsibilities for her actions. It's part of becoming an adult.
I'm thinking of you x
My daughter is 17, and I reckon there must be something about teenage daughters that can really press our buttons.
Maybe it's time for an honest talk to her, set some boundaries. Try not to make it sound as though you're criticising her because girls can be so overly-sensitive. Ask for her help. Does she understand fully your problems with alcohol? Tell her you're struggling and ask her on an adult level for her understanding. She may have just got used to behaving a certain way without thinking of any consequences to you. Teenagers are also very self-absorbed.
At 19, she is ready to start taking on some grown-up responsibilities for her actions. It's part of becoming an adult.
I'm thinking of you x
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: London,ontario, canada
Posts: 30
PK You need to focus on yourshelf, because you cant take care you others if your unable to care for your shelf how can you care for others, also she is old enough to start becoming indepent, and maybe with your hubby plan date night once a week, seemed to work for me and my late partner, and we started to become alot closer then we had for the first 2 years of our realtionship. hope it helps and happy easter
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
I agree with setting some boundaries with your daughter. What you will and will not tolerate. And try to spend your free time on you, if that means going on a 'date' with your husband, then do it. But you need to work on your sobriety first and foremost.
But you need to work on your sobriety first and foremost.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 366
Kitty,
It really sounds like you and I have a lot in common . . . I hope I'm not reading too much into this . . . and my take on what to do is pretty different than what others have said to you. . .
My H is a workaholic and also completely emotionally unavailable when he is present; to the point of being abusive. I understand what you are saying about giving yourself some distance from him to work on yourself. When you are around such a level of "'unavailability" it literally seems to drain the life out of you. This is not a case, where going on a "date night" will help resolve something. Sometimes it is a matter of giving yourself the space to heal - without other's expectations of you (expectations OF you, but no back and forth where they also hold themselves to be accountable for your expectations of THEM).
I can certainly see how being in this sort of marriage could bleed into your relationship with your dd. Whether it's because you feel like you need to step in to take on the emotional support (not only that you feel you owe as a mother, but also) to make up for what might be lacking of support your dd would get from your unavailable husband . . .. OR . . . perhaps you've simply got use to not expecting others to support you emotionally (and therefore, may have created an unfair emotional balance in the mother/daughter relationship). Obviously a dinner out with the family may just add way too much stress on you . . . as the one who is expected to hold this whole family together (like you feeling responsible for your husband's relationship with his own dd).
I understand you wanted to protect yourself when your dd returns.
I think you SHOULDN'T actually have a formal sitdown with your dd to explain new boundaries. Not yet. Not this weekend. Not when you are still trying to find your own voice and strength. Those are tricky conversations when you are in the best of places.
No doubt the conversation will need to happen. But I don't think it needs to happen now.
So I would suggest you just sort of lay low "emotionally" speaking. Work on not taking on your dd's emotional issues right now. If she's upset, say "I'm sorry you are upset" and move on . . . continue working on yourself. Don't take the bait.
She'll be confused, I'm sure, since this will be different behavior from you, but she can't escalate an argument with you if you refuse to engage in one.
Also . . . I can understand you getting satisfaction from helping others in AA. It's how you and I are programmed. It's so darn hard to accept help, when you don't believe you deserve it (or even if you know you deserve it, your life experience is that you won't get it anyway). So you help others, and hope to gleam some of that help for yourself from just being near others.
This stuff is tough.
Again, I hope I'm not reading too much into your story.
(hugs)
It really sounds like you and I have a lot in common . . . I hope I'm not reading too much into this . . . and my take on what to do is pretty different than what others have said to you. . .
My H is a workaholic and also completely emotionally unavailable when he is present; to the point of being abusive. I understand what you are saying about giving yourself some distance from him to work on yourself. When you are around such a level of "'unavailability" it literally seems to drain the life out of you. This is not a case, where going on a "date night" will help resolve something. Sometimes it is a matter of giving yourself the space to heal - without other's expectations of you (expectations OF you, but no back and forth where they also hold themselves to be accountable for your expectations of THEM).
I can certainly see how being in this sort of marriage could bleed into your relationship with your dd. Whether it's because you feel like you need to step in to take on the emotional support (not only that you feel you owe as a mother, but also) to make up for what might be lacking of support your dd would get from your unavailable husband . . .. OR . . . perhaps you've simply got use to not expecting others to support you emotionally (and therefore, may have created an unfair emotional balance in the mother/daughter relationship). Obviously a dinner out with the family may just add way too much stress on you . . . as the one who is expected to hold this whole family together (like you feeling responsible for your husband's relationship with his own dd).
I understand you wanted to protect yourself when your dd returns.
I think you SHOULDN'T actually have a formal sitdown with your dd to explain new boundaries. Not yet. Not this weekend. Not when you are still trying to find your own voice and strength. Those are tricky conversations when you are in the best of places.
No doubt the conversation will need to happen. But I don't think it needs to happen now.
So I would suggest you just sort of lay low "emotionally" speaking. Work on not taking on your dd's emotional issues right now. If she's upset, say "I'm sorry you are upset" and move on . . . continue working on yourself. Don't take the bait.
She'll be confused, I'm sure, since this will be different behavior from you, but she can't escalate an argument with you if you refuse to engage in one.
Also . . . I can understand you getting satisfaction from helping others in AA. It's how you and I are programmed. It's so darn hard to accept help, when you don't believe you deserve it (or even if you know you deserve it, your life experience is that you won't get it anyway). So you help others, and hope to gleam some of that help for yourself from just being near others.
This stuff is tough.
Again, I hope I'm not reading too much into your story.
(hugs)
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