I used to wonder why I saw so many "back to day 1 posts..."
 

And now I understand why. I had an old friend come into town on Friday with his kids. We have always used our time hanging out reflecting on the college days while playing with the kids. Friday night was no different. He brought a 6 pack of 8% beer. I was embarrassed to say "no thanks... I don't drink anymore" so I talked myself into one. Then two... then three. Then we walked to the store and bought another... well, you know the drill.

Saturday I felt so poor it was the same thing I've worked so hard to eliminate. I snuck a beer from the fridge to drink before breakfast... before anyone could see me shake. That "breakfast beer" (or beers) led to another multi day, hell, binge.

During that binge I ended up with a nasty bruise on my arm, a bitter fight with my wife revolving around "what did you drink? why are you out of your mind... I didn't even see you drinking!!!"

Which led to a resolve on Wednesday to quit. Yesterday was my new day one. Another added to all the other day one's I've experienced since July of last year. It was hell. When I brushed my teeth in the morning my gums were bleeding. My tongue had the white film that had disappeared. Vomiting, no appetite, incredible pain in my stomach and a day spent googling "gastritis, pain in stomach, pain caused by alcohol, alcohol detox, alcohol withdrawl severity,... and all the thousands of other things I've searched for on the internet when coming off my arch nemesis.

Today is day 2 for me. I didn't sleep last night. I was sweating all night. I was having strange taste sensations. I kept imagining myself not being there for my 3 year old daughter's wedding one day. Kept feeling so ashamed... along with the physical pain.

I logged into SR and read hundreds of posts but was too ashamed to post anything, myself. So where do I go from here...

I'm tying to get through today. I'll take a hot shower to remove the stench of someone detoxing from alcohol and all the wonderful smells, excretions, and leftover goodies from a day in the bathroom. I had placed myself above AA and have tried and tried to convince myself will power alone will save my life. I now know the only feasible savior for my humble existence is the God I've believed in all my life but lost touch with and replaced with a liquid... and a physical support group.

I haven't had a family doctor for years and am reaching out to an addiction specialist family practitioner... a former addict themselves. I've decided instead of wondering what damage I've done to my body it's time to face reality head on.

It's time to move past this nonsense and accept I no longer can drink. Ever.... and instal a 5 point harness on my wagon instead of the weak sting that was keeping me in the drivers seat.

My wife put it best yesterday. She said "I love you so much but I hate you drinking. You aren't the same... it transforms you into someone I don't know. I want my husband... I don't want my husband drinking. I want you healthy to grow old with... I don't want a drunk father..."

And she is absolute right. In fact, typing that, I'm crying with disappointment in myself for getting here... or, for getting nowhere.

Thanks for listening to my "another day one" story... Hopefully this is the last of my day ones. I'm going to a meeting at noon to tell my story and find a physical support group.

Have you accepted the fact that you can NEVER drink like a normal person ?

I've been in your shoes before, many mornings like yours, with my wife angry.

Nothing changed until I admitted and accepted the fact that I am powerless over alcohol.

Everyone who has underestimated their addiction, or who fell sway under the promise that "this time it will be different" has a day one story to tell.

Or 50.

I hope this one is your last one.

I'm glad you're back and working on your recovery again.

I used to have so many "day 1's" because I kept thinking I could do it alone.. that I knew what the problem was and how to fix it. That I could do it.

My last Day 1 was in July of 1989 when I surrendered the fight and began to accept the AA program.. to accept help and direction.

All the best.

Bob R

I also meant to say that "being back to day one" means you've come back to recovery.

Sadly, many don't.

I hope you do whatever is necessary to make this your last day one. Living sober is possible if you work for it.:)

I think by knowing you messed up and getting back in here you are already headed in the right direction. Next time, it will be much easier to just tell your friend that you quit drinking and be done with it, hopefully. However, a lot of people would just continue to drink but you realize you have a problem and that to me is a great sign.

thanks for the support. It would have indeed been easier in reflection to tell my friend I had quit drinking. Something in my mind "clicked" then it was no stopping...

I have acknowledged I can no longer drink. My goal now is to reach out for the help and support to have the willpower to give it up for good... and also the courage to make it known that alcohol is no longer in my life. That has been a difficult thing for me. Perhaps the most difficult...

The reprograming of my life and every aspect of it.

Stop with the disappointment. Your recovery has started again. Just remember what happened and how it happened so it doesn't occur again.

Thanks Duane.

When I quit the first time, the second time, third, fourth and fifth........6,7,8th time. I vowed that I would never drink again. Honestly, It took what it took for me to get up on the horse and start riding again. This Alcoholism business is no walk in the park. I am thankful to be alive, even if I lost a lot through this last bender. I am recovering and trying to make things proper again. I have a life to live, i want it to be without regret and addiction to a liquid substance that causes me hell. You have the strength to do this. You are not alone and never will be. Lets do this!

I agree with you that it would have been easier to talk with your friend but I wonder what REALLY held you back from telling your friend. I know for me I have to sit with the "why the hell did I just do that?" for awhile to figure out why I do the things I do to get me in to the situations I get myself in to. I am sorry that you have to feel like dirt but I'm glad that you are back to your recovery again! I am also very proud of you for going to your doctor to figure out what you need to do in order to better care for yourself :)

Thanks for sharing Paddler. I too am on day one. It helps sharing.....so thank you.

This, I am sure is a huge problem for a lot of us. And I am doing a good chunk of research to put into my sobriety tool box to deal with situations like this. For now, I've just avoided any high risk situations, but I know that I will be in the spotlight as it were at some point.

Yup, acceptance is the key, there is no doubt there. And why not? Tell you friends etc that you indeed do not drink. If they show no respect for your decision then are they really your friends? I've already dropped a couple "friends" as I know really they are just drinking buds. This does not mean they have no value or anything, just for me, at this fragile time they are a huge risk factor.

You got it!! This is really the whole answer - a MAJOR life style change and all it entails. Sobriety, doing healthy activities, dropping off certain friends, accepting that you cannot drink EVER!

Welcome back to the sobriety bus, we've got a seat with your name on it!

thanks Jim. means a lot.

Paddler, I'm with you on this day one....and a bit like Mizzuno said, for me, I'm almost starting to lose count of the damn day ones!

Someone also mentioned keeping well away from drinking situations and people - I've been doing that for over a year now. Yet: I have STILL picked up, by myself, to drink alone at home (which is where most of my last few years' daily drinking took place).

It's what goes on in my head, and my head alone, which causes me to cave in.

Good on you for putting it down; we can do this and start afresh right now!

glad to have you guys back :)

D

Paddler - I did the same thing many times during my life. I never got the message until it was almost too late - that alcohol is toxic to me and I can't touch a drop. If I do, I'm off to a dangerous and unpredictable place. I may not make it out alive if I ever decide to tempt the fates. I was so resentful in the beginning, but once I resigned myself to being a non-drinker, I felt free. It sounds like you're fed up with the uncertainty of it all - and ready to walk forward into a new and better life.

I'm glad you're going to an addictions specialist. Proud of you for telling the story and sharing your ordeal with us. We all care about you, Paddler.

Thank you so much for posting this Paddler.

You just wrote my story but without the wife part. I am the one that beat myself up when I had to admit to yet another day 1.

It's not nice what we do to ourselves, but we are/were ill and it'll take time.

I now know that I am ill. That there is a medicine that I must take to get better again. That is not to drink for today. It's tough at times but posting here, getting in touch with others who suffer from this and starting to enjoy life again.

Keep going mate. You're worth it :)

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