Stringbender

Hello everybody. I am a newcomer to the recovery forum. I have spent quite a bit of time reading the posts of others and finding out that I am not alone. I am not a bad person. I have just lost control over my use of alcohol.

I am primarily a beer drinker. Occasionally have some wine with my wife when we go out to dinner. I don't ever drink the hard liquor. But alcohol is alcohol. Beer is alcohol. I used to kid myself that I didn't really have an alcohol problem because I was ONLY drinking beer. Not true. For quite some time, I have been the type of drinker that once I open that first beer, I can't stop. And before I know it, there are several beer cans lined up on the counter top. Then I spend the next day beating myself up over it. I have become so ashamed of my beer drinking that I often drink A LOT of beer when my wife is not home. I'm sure she can smell it on me when she gets home, but she doesn't know if I've had 2 beers or 8 beers. (I hide the cans). It has gotten to the point where it seems I am doing this almost every day. After my work day ends, I have this incredible craving for a beer. I even stop at the liquor store on the way home and pound a couple while driving home. Yup.....that's right....I am breaking the law pounding beers while driving home because I can't wait to get home to have some. I am putting the lives of others on the road at risk, as well as my career at risk to get that beer in me IMMEDIATELY instead of waiting. That is sad.

I keep telling myself over and over and over again that I'm going to stop doing that and will "cut down" on my beer drinking. I was convinced that if I just worked at it a little, I could cut my consumption back and become a "social drinker". I am finally convinced that I will never become a social drinker again because that first drop of alcohol makes me want to keep going. And the urge is so strong, I can't control it. The only way for me to control this is to stop completely. I am a bit scared about the process of completely giving up my beer because I am afraid I will disappoint myself by failing. I thought about AA, but I work at a job where I am routinely background checked. If my work ever found out I had a problem with beer and entered "treatment" for it (such as AA), I could lose my job.

I've gotten a lot of good advice by reading posts on this site. I plan to tell those closest to me that I have made the decision to be a "non drinker" so they don't expect me to drink socially with them. My wife will understand and support me. She and I like to tour around to wine vinyards and sample the different wines. I can accompany her there, but won't be able to share in sampling with her.....and that saddens me. My brother is my best friend. We are very close. And the thing we ALWAYS do when we are together is drink beer. I'm sure he will support my decision, but I am very afraid of how the dynamics of our relationship will change.

I have to make this change. My binge drinking, inability to stop once I start, and the fact that I am hiding my drinking because of shame are all proof that I have a problem that I must address. So today, March 29th, is day 1 of my sobriety. I look forward to seeing that number grow, and I am scared to death that I will fail.

Thanks for listening. I will continue to read posts for support. Pray for me.

Anna

I am so glad that you have decided to stop drinking. Good for you!

FeenixxRising

The nice thing stringbender is you never have to feel the "madness" again. Stick around this site, it's been a great help.

LadyinBC

I will definately keep you in my prayers. Congrats on starting day 1.

Grymt

Have you been to AA yet?

doggonecarl

Welcome to SR.

You are describing me...a beer drinker. Hiding the amount from my wife. Drive to the store for "milk" and chug a 40. Hide beer in the garage. She'd go to bed, I'd stay up and drink then dispose of the evidence.

One day I completely lost control of the amount I consumed (I too thought I could be vigilant and manage my drinking) and knew the next day it was time to quit.

Still didn't think I was an alcoholic, but my failure to stay stopped proved to me this wasn't something I could just drop like a bad habit. Found my way here, learned what the difference between quitting and recovery was, and have been sober since September 2010.

Stringbender

Thanks doggonecarl......That is me. Today, I threw away all of the beer I had stashed in the house/garage. Just pitched it. My house is clean now. I am going to take a different route home from work each day that does not take me past my favorite liquor store.

It helps SO MUCH to hear stories of others, especially stories exactly like mine. It helps me to feel that I am not alone and that others have done it. It makes me feel hopeful that I can do it too.

Your story about going to the store for milk and chugging a 40 on the way home is EXACTLY my story too. But starting today.....NO MORE !!!

Nonsensical

I hold a TS/SI/HCS/G clearance and get SSBI'd every 5 years. If THAT's what you mean by background checks, going to AA won't cost you your job as long as it was your idea. Get caught chugging a 40 in your car and get court-ordered to AA, and that's another story.

I self-referred to outpatient treatment 8 years ago and have had no problem maintaining my clearance. I am not an AA advocate, but don't let background checks prevent you from getting treatment that will help you.

best of luck!

doggonecarl

Great!

It's not just my story and your story. Our story is told in hundreds and hundred of posts from countless alcoholics and problem drinkers. Stories of heartache, guilt, misery...stories of our struggles. But more importantly, they are the stories of redemption and victory and the recovery of our lives.

Sobriety. You can do this.

2granddaughters

I have been in AA meetings with the Priest, the Minister, the Chief-of-police (his son is my sponsor), the Chief of Staff of a large hospital, the highest paid lawyer in the area, a Priest that works at the Vatican, my doctor, psychiatrists, airline pilots, many Government officials, presidents of VERY wealthy corporations, nurses, drug & alcohol counselors, financial advisors, et al.
Those folks weren't in AA in fear of losing their job, they were there to get sober and keep their job.

I can't wrap my head around a job where they would rather have you there as an untreated drunk rather than a sober employee in recovery.

Good to meet you. All the best.

Bob R

Stringbender

Thanks to all. I am sure I am just paranoid, scared and embarrassed. I am sure I am overreacting to my fear of job loss. My work would probably be supportive. But again.....my fear and paranoia make me reluctant. I am still trying to wrap my head around my admission to my problem, the work and struggles it will involve, and am unsure of what is coming down the road. But failing to act is much worse than taking charge and acting. My current behaviors are much more likely to end my career than seeking help. I know that. I just made the decision this morning to start recovery and am still figuring out what it all means.

Thank you all for your support in my starting the journey.
PEACE !!!

2granddaughters

Now we're getting closer to the truth. I had to learn to speak "impeccably" as I'm quite apt to believe the crap that comes out of my mouth.

All the best.

Bob R

Huglets

Hi Stringbender and welcome to SR!

I sent you a PM. It's basic message is to let you know I live in Indy as well and I'm here to help you in any way you might need.

I too was strictly a beer drinker. Never anything else. I was shocked to learn that so many people (normal drinkers) who are under the assumption that you can't possibly have a drinking problem if all you drink is beer.

As you said, alcohol is alcohol.

SR is a fantastic site for support. I've learned SO much from this site and have come to truly love & appreciate so many here.

Stringbender

Thanks SoberFallon....I received your PM. It won't let me PM you back because I haven't been a member of the site long enough. I need to do a few more posts before I can PM. I will send you a PM once the site allows me to.

Thanks so much