effortjoy

Since my relapse my husband asked me to sign a contract that I'll never drink again. Before my relapse, I was sober for nine months but I don't want to sign a contract (even though it isn't anything official, just a personal promise) because I feel like my husband is demanding my recovery instead of allowing me to heal on my own. So I refused; a tiny part of me still wants to know I can drink again if I want to though 99percent, I don't ever want to again. It's the one percent that is holding me back a little; but I also don't think it's a healthy relationship dynamic; what do you guys think?

least

I don't know about signing a contract for sobriety, but how about letting go of that one percent that still wants to be free to drink.

LadyinBC

I honestly don't know how I feel about this. I know for me, I can't promise that I'll never drink again. That is just wayyy too much for me, I get by one day at a time. I have to focus on today. Today I choose not to drink. Tomorrow I hope to choose the samething.

I know I don't ever want to drink again, but I can't predict the future. Forever is a scary word and my mind just can't comprehend that, if that makes any sense.

SoberKnitter

If drinking is as immoral for you as it is for me (not saying it is), then an ultimatum is appropriate. We all have deal breakers, and apparently alcoholism is one of his. Seems fair to me.

deeker

That one percent is going to eventually destroy your marriage and your life. Make a pros and cons list. What have been the consequences of your drinking. Leave nothing out.
What have been the benefits.
Then figure out your percentages.

ClearLight

I think the contract is a joke.

But I agree with this:

soberlicious

I agree with SoberKnitter. And I don't think that personal promises are such a weird thing. If you think about it, marriage vows are lifelong personal promises, yes? What if your husband said, "I'll stay committed to this marriage for today, honey. I don't know about tomorrow though. Gotta take things one day at a time."

By your own admission, you like the idea of an out. You might want to examine why that is...

Dee74

I'm not in favour of sobriety contracts - mostly because I think they can be misguided attempts to externally control that which can only be controlled internally, and secondly, they really can mean nothing much anyway...

but thats an issue between you and your husband, I think.

What is really important here, to me, is that one percent effortjoy - I'd really look at that....

D

Richierich777

No contract, just drop the 1 percent and tell him to support you while you do this thing

effortjoy

What if I sign the contract and can't keep it? What does that say about me? I love my husband so much- what does it say about our marriage if I can't make this commitment? And worse, what does it say about our marriage if I make the commitment and one day don't want to keep it anymore? Maybe it's not that I'm afraid to commit to my husband but that I'm afraid to commit to myself, and I don't know why bx alcohol has stolen way too much of my life and I don't want it to take anything else..

avocado

he's probably frustrated with you and this is his way of letting you know. I think a 'contract' is absurd, silly and pointless, but I don't blame him for resorting to such measures to try and get you to stop.

soberlicious

Well, contract or no, if you decide to drink again it will probably eventually end your marriage anyway right? Sounds like a commitment you need to keep for many reasons.

Marcher13

I don't know about the contract itself, but your husband's suggestion to sign one after a relapse demonstrates that he still cares about you very much and he wants the sober you around. I'd think about that.

2granddaughters

How did you stay sober for 9 months? What recovery program are you committed to ?

All the best.

Bob R

effortjoy

It seems my husband thinks that when I drink it means I don't care about him or our marriage but it's not true. When I drink, I drink because I don't care about myself.

Anna

Yes, but that's the way your husband perceives it, just as mine did, that you don't care. So, it sounds to me like you know that your marriage will be over if you drink again. And, you still think you might drink at some point. That doesn't sound like a good dynamic to me.

Threshold

Good insightful questions. Worth thinking about and answering as long as you let that process inform you and move you forward, not let it serve as a distraction.

I don't know in what manner or tone your husband presented this, but each and every marriage IS an arrangement/agreement. What is an issue in one is not an issue in another. Ultimately, and I think from the things you say above I think you know this, we must get and stay sober for ourselves, because we are the only people we know we will be with and be responsible for the entirety of our lives.

Do you what it will take for you to get and stay sober? I understand and relate to the fear of "not having an out". I always wanted to keep an ace up my sleeve, but it's cheating...what I didn't realize for so very long was that I was cheating myself most of all.

I couldn't know what this process was going to feel like, how I would change, but I moved forward on the hope I found here and the faith that the freedom others had found was available to me.

soberlicious

Well that may well be true, but he has a point. If drinking is so important to me that I must hold onto it no matter what, then really, I am putting it before everything else.

Nonsensical

Your husband wants to enter into a sobriety contract with an alcoholic who refuses to commit to not drinking?

What could go wrong?

Nonsensical

OK, that was a little harsh. Sorry. Let me add the following:

Is your husband handling your alcoholism as effectively as you would like him to? Probably not. He's human. He might make some mistakes. But it seems like he's trying desperately to find a reason to NOT give up on you. Trying desperately to save his marriage.

He's probably had to deal with 1 or 2 of your bad decisions over the years. You can probably tolerate 1 or 2 of his.