Murdock80

I had a colleague at work that was in the same boat as me. We both had an appreciation for craft brews and scotch that, over the years and mutated into flat out addiction. Eleven months ago he had his first child and came up to me to tell me that we wouldn’t really be able to hang out because he was looking to quit drinking. I wished him luck and moved on with my life. He moved to a different department so we saw very little of each other and we ran into each other only a few times over the following months. Here is a summation of those encounters:

2 Months: He had been sober for the whole two months without a slip. He had lost a ton of weight and looked about 5 years younger. He was excited about being a new father and said he had never had so much energy.

4 Months: He was talking about his family and only mentioned drinking to tell me that his wife’s family was giving him a hard time about quitting. Again, he was vibrant and had lost close to 25 pounds without changing his exercise or eating.

5 Months: He mentioned to me that he had tried the new IPA from a local brewery and it was pretty good. Assuming that he was drinking again, I asked if he wanted to go out and grab a drink some time and he politely declined saying that he only has one or two per month. He still looked and sounded energized.

7 Months: I saw my friend and he looked a little worse. Puffy face, added weight and red cheeks. The subject of drinking never came up which was strange because he was really proud of his progress and I think he may have been trying to get me to quit.

9 Months: This was around the holidays and he started a discussion about one of our favorite Christmas beers and how this year’s batch wasn’t as good as previous years. I asked him how much he had tried and he said that he limits himself to a six pack a weekend. The phrase he used was, “You gotta understand that it is all about the moderation. You need the will power to cut down.”

11 Months: I ran into him outside of the office on a Saturday afternoon. It was at a local home improvement store and he was obviously out of his head. I honestly don’t remember what we talked about because I was so surprised to see him in this state given the progress he had made over the last year.

12 months (last week): I approached him at work to see if he was still (somewhat) sober because I was looking for a sober friend to watch the NCAA tournament with. He congratulated me on taking the plunge but told me that he wouldn’t be able to get together because he was going to the bar with his brother. He rambled on about moderation and I politely listened.

I got to work yesterday and a group of co-workers were talking about how my friend had gotten completely out of control on Friday, Saturday and Sunday night at the bar. If the stories they are telling are true, it seems that my friend is in the same spot he was a year ago.

I’m not posting this because I am judging him (Lord knows that I’m the last person in the world who should be judging) but because it speaks volumes about moderation. I now know that I will never be able to try in moderation. If I could, I wouldn’t be posting on a message boards for recovering addicts.

In the past week I’ve had my AV try to convince me that I’ve proven that I can quit so why not just do it in moderation. It has told me that I am strong enough for moderation. I know I am weak but I use that knowledge to eliminate all temptation. If the thought of moderation ever enters my brain, I’ll think to my friend and realize that moderation isn’t really in cards for people like us.

So I post this story hoping that a few of you can find strength in it. I feel for my friend and hope he finds sobriety again but in the interim, I will learn from his mistakes

Nattythreads

I tend to inwardly roll my eyes - no mean physical feat that - when I hear the term "moderation." It's the Holy Grail of all alcoholics and I shudder to think how many billions of hours have been wasted in pursuit of this nirvana.

If you're thinking of moderation, chances are you have a problem to start with. People without that problem never have to inwardly wrestle with the concept to begin with.

I've tried convincing myself it's doable on countless occasions. It might be for some, but as my own personal history shows, for me it's not.

Crimson88

If I was sober in 10 years time, I'd still be as much of an alcoholic as I am today.

ClearLight

Moderation:
Yup - true dat.

ReadyAtLast

Thanks Murdock. I'm 3 and a half months sober now and sometimes the AV creeps up saying oh just have a couple,moderate etc. It's good to read stories like this to remind me of where I will go back to if I pick up

Mizzuno

Thank you for the post. Very true to the progressive nature of Alcoholism.

least

I tried desperately to moderate but never had any success. It was easier to quit altogether than to try to moderate.

Crimson88

What's AV?

Nonsensical

Addictive Voice. That little basturd in your head that keeps trying to tell you it's OK to drink/use.

DrunkTx

Moderation? For amateurs! The only thing I could do in moderation was sobriety. Me, I was a professional drinker- never in trouble, an old pro....well until I got in trouble.

Sarcasm aside, does anybody really want to moderate, or do we mean we want the buzz worse than Bruno Mars wants to be a billionaire and will try and not repeat the annebriation too frequently? The point of the question is to assess whether we really hope to drink moderatley during any given drinking session or do we really mean we wont get **** drunk frequently? For me, I had absolutely zero desire to drink without getting drunk nor do I currently have any desire to drink and not get drunk. Given that, moderation is a concept I don't understand or at least believe in. I'm honestly all or none. Since all will kill everything I cherish, none it will be.

SoberKnitter

Addictive Voice. It's a Rational Recovery thing - Addictive Voice Recognition Technique (AVRT).

LDT

Thanks for the reminder of why I don't drink, and will never go back! My one little tango with the Kindling Effect is all it took!

Crimson88

Yeah you hear plenty of stories from people that haven't drank in 10 years or so and haven't looked back, life has never been better. I want to be one of those people so badly.

janiebluebird

When I control my drinking it's not fun or enjoyable. 1 or 2 drinks never did anything but make me crave more. I always want the buzz once the alcohol hits my system. Hence, theres really no point in trying "controlled" drinking. It was also hit or miss, I could go into a given situation trying to have a moderate night and ehh, I really never knew what the outcome would be. The only way that I can stay in control for sure, is not to have that first drink.

Huglets

I originally began my sober journey in January 2011. After 14 months of sobriety, I figured I had learned my lesson and could begin drinking again "with moderation".

Fast forward to 6 months later. Police, ambulance and a not so enjoyable 6 day hospital stay in the psych unit at the hospital.

I didn't land in the same position as when I originally got sober in January 2011. I was 50 times worse, physically and mentally. Mostly mentally.

I'm an alcoholic. I'll never be able to moderate. And I'm cool with it. Quite frankly, my life was absolute hell when I was drinking. No one could convince me to have "a" drink. Ain't gonna happen.

Thanks for the reminder that it isn't sunshine & roses if we ever resume drinking.

2granddaughters

It's as much a tale to me of an alcoholic trying to stay sober by will-power alone.... not moderation.

Did your friend attend AA meetings? What program of recovery was he working?

All the best.

Bob R

Murdock80

I’m actually not sure what steps he took to quit, Bob. I think he was trying to distance himself from his “drinking buddies” initially so any conversation of his sobriety was very vague and general. It is my belief that he never really accepted that he had a problem and felt that moderation was the answer.

Coldfusion

I made a comment in another thread about a relative who commit suicide after he lost money in the stock market. And of course Bob's comment was that it was because he wasn't in AA. And maybe that is true.

I know at least two people who tried to commit suicide, then they joined AA, and they are both sober and happy now!

∞CF

ScottFromWI

In either case it's probably not in the best interest of the newcomers forum to suggest that any particular method of recovery method can or cannot prevent suicide. Especially since it's well documented that all of the methods work well for recovery if you follow the steps or learn/follow the program.

duane1

Hey Murdock,
Great to here from you. I was wondering if you made it through this weekend. Excellent work!
Well, your friend unfortunately is a great example that spells out why an alcoholic should never try to moderate. I stay on this board for many reasons, but one is that it constantly reinforces to me what happens if you give in and have just one drink. You will see posts related to relapse almost every day on here and often it started with people letting their guard down and having just one drink. Before you know it, another 10 years can slip by without quitting and this time around, it is even harder to quit and their body has another 10 years of abuse it is saddled with. Your AV is a liar. Don't listen to it.