I need to make this work
 

Hey everyone. I first want to say that I absolutely love reading through these forums, as it acts as as a form of therapy for me. I've been going through some dark times in my life over the past few weeks, and I know that if I don't stop drinking, things will be getting even darker.

I'm not sure how many people actually read these "initial" posts, but I think it makes me feel better to write things out so I can .. you know, get it out. My alcoholism has been progressively getting worse through the years, and it's at a point now where I would drink every night if I could get away with it. I have a girlfriend who is not much of a drinker at all, and we get into fight after fight because of my drinking. I come from a large family of drinkers, and not to make excuses, but it's what I was exposed to from an early age. The people I hung out with in high school were drinkers, and after taking that first drink in the eleventh grade, I knew that I enjoyed it. I immediately came out of my shell, became more outgoing (it seemed like a good thing, but obviously I'm sure that it wasn't), and seemed to make friends more easily. I'm naturally a quiet person, and I liked the effects alcohol had on me.

Throughout my 20's, my drinking became worse and worse. I was always involved in martial arts and was quite obsessive about it, which was great and it prevented me from going off the deep end with my drinking for a few years, but eventually due to injuries I quit and drinking became my only hobby. I've done so many incredibly stupid things while drinking, I can't even begin to describe them. I've had to get surgery due to injuring myself while drinking, costing thousands of dollars and having to spend weeks in a hospital.. I've driven while WASTED, I've been many places and done many things with questionable people.. things I totally regret. Alcohol has been my enemy for such a long time.

Anyway, I really need to stop. I went to a few AA meetings but I can't get into them, it is definitely not for me and I just feel uncomfortable there. To be honest, I get creeped out with most things to do with religion.. I'm not atheist, but I don't necessarily believe in organized religion and I feel I can't get past that, even to obtain any benefit from participating in AA. I have read through the Rational Recovery / AVRT information and it seems to be great, although I suppose I have an incredibly persuasive "Beast" that I've yet to conquer.

I've taken the first step to possibly going and talking to a counselor, and I think I'll go see her in a couple of weeks. I plan to regularly post on these forums, and continue reading through them every day as I find it helps me greatly. I really feel like I can beat alcoholism. I have quit on two seperate occasions in the past year, for over a month at a time, and they were both incredible. A major problem I have is admitting to my family and friends that I have this problem; I find it too embarassing. I've gone to social gatherings and pretended to drink in the past.. at first it was the non-alcoholic beer, then I switched to non-alcoholic wine.. but I eventually resorted to drinking the real beer again. I just want to quit under the radar, without the awkwardness surrounding me being labelled as an alcoholic. It's very important to me, and I feel like I have to quit on my own without the drama involved in involving other people, or even making other people aware.

Anyway, thanks again for all of your posts. I get a lot of ambition from them, as I'm sure many other people do.

Take care everyone.

Hi and Welcome,

I'm really glad that you are planning to talk to a counsellor and work on your recovery. That's a good plan. I didn't tell my family and friends when I stopped drinking. If you are uncomfortable doing it, then don't do it, at least not right now. And, I had to stay away from alcohol and people drinking for a long time. It took many months before I was comfortable in that setting. The thing is, recovery involves a lot of changes and tough decisions, but know for sure that you can do this.

Anytime your "beast" is encroached upon you will feel uncomfortable.

Good luck in your recovery.

Bob R

Alcoholism is like a mushroom, it grows in the shadows.

You said yourself, you've done countless stupid things. Embarassing things, I don't doubt. So maybe the people you are embarassed to tell already have an idea you have a problem.

If keeping this a secret is going to hold back getting sober, let it out.

Good luck.

You're right.. but I feel keeping it a secret is not what's holding me back. I feel if I remain focused, and committed to my goal, then I will succeed. I'm not an extroverted type of person, especially with my personal issues, I'd rather just fix them without bothering my family and friends.

That being said, I don't really feel like I'm alone in this. I view these forums as an outlet, and I'm proud of myself today because I just got off the phone with a counsellor - I have an appointment booked for two weeks time. It's the first time I've ever planned to go see someone, so I'm excited for that. Bloody expensive though, isn't it

Not sure how old you are but you should also consider NA Meetings. AA does tend to be religious based and I really don't like the fact that they pray in meetings. You need the support of people who have been through this and don't get hung up on what the behavior is that is causing the problems. All the meetings be it gambling, shopping, self mutilation are all based on the 12 steps and working on you inside is the only way to deflect destructive behavior. In my opinion counseling is great but unless the therapist is also an alcoholic/addict they don't know about the experience and can only go on books which is ridiculous

DD -- I feel similarly. AA's not my thing for similar reasons to you. And I have zero, zero interest in talking to my friends and family about this. I'm sure I will someday, but right now the topic is not on the table. Even though I know that they all know I drank too much... I'm not ready to have this whole thing integrated into my social personality.

That said, I have told everyone around me that I'm not drinking right now, and I recommend you do the same. It's just too hard to be pretending to drink.

For me, I'm just lying through omission, basically. I told everyone I was stopping for a few months (true, although I'm stopping for more) because I was curious about what it would be like (true, although a major understatement) and because I'm going through a transitional period and want to experience it with a clear mind (that part at least is 100% true).

Maybe you can find a similar half-truth that allows you to be open and also a bit guarded about it at the same time. Or even a straight out lie about your motivations ("I read an article about how people are allergic to alcohol and don't even realize it!" "I read that alcohol can cause insomnia!") could help... it's a lie in service of helping you be a bit more honest with the people around you, I think it's worth it.

Wow DD, you're story very similar to mine!! Im a functioning alcoholic. Although I have no issues with work or home life, I know alcohol will physically kill me if I dont stop. Im usually the drunkest at the party. Since my teenage years, I feel my identity has been defined by my drinking. I've done so many incredibly stupid things while drunk I can't even count. I quit for two months about 1.5 years ago. It was amazing! Then, of course, I said "what if?" Maybe I can be the select few problem drinkers who can learn to control their drinking. Lasted about 1-2 months. Then slowly, but surely spiraled back down to bad levels. At any rate, Im back again and I've been sober for about 8 days. I recently listened to an audiobook by Craig Beck called "Alcohol Lied to Me". I found it very helpful!! It doesnt have you use willpower to stop drinking, but "reprograms" your thinking to the concept of "why would you want to drink?". Im only 8 days in so I dont know the long term will work, but so far, so good! Might be worth a shot!
Good luck!!!

:welcome to the family!

Keeping the secret and the associated drama is a bit of misdirection in my book (I am 16 months sober and started exactly where you are - so no judgement just evolved thinking). Let's talk about secrets.....the point has already been said, if you have been embarrassed then there likely isn't any secret. Even more so, what is the actual secret? That your an alcoholic, or that you don't drink anymore? So far as I can tell, I don't drink anymore. Why? Because I drank too much and it messed with my head, life, body. What's the secret? Oddly, if I was keeping secrets, it would be my drinking not my quitting. This inevitably leads to the second point: drama. This I definitely think most of us get backwards. With zero doubt, drama comes from our alcoholism not our sobriety. What is anybody going to say or spread rumors about? OMG, did you hear, DD is not drinking. Can you believe it, he is living a good honest and clean life. That deviant actually sleeps with a peaceful mind and wakes up ready to tackle the world! .......see where I am going? The drama only exists when you drink. When you sober up, you are just an average Joe.

Why misdirection? It has taken me a long time to realize and admit this, my secrecy eminated from a fear of failure and a need to keep the door open in case I drink again. Imagine the disappointment I will be if I tell everybody I quit drinking because I had a problem and then started drinking again....that no doubt would cause a lot of drama. Worse, it might even stigmatize me as a failure. Boy did I hold onto that secret! Then one day it clicked....accountability! There are many things more important to me than me and certainly more important than alcohol: God, my family and my friends. Because they are so important I could prioritize them over my ego and fears and hold myself accountable to them. I needed a higher purpose to keep me on the narrow path, and they were it. It also made it so I wasn't alone, and where I falter, they keep me strong. At this point, I have no secrets, I don't want to save my ability to drink again.....that chapter has since passed.

bingo!

Having shame about my alcoholism hindered my recovery. Once I embraced it made it an integral part of my identity I was able to move on from my life as a drinker. That said I don't preach it and no one really knows unless they ask me but I feel so much better about myself knowing I'm an alcoholic instead of regretting it. I'm not saying you need to tell it on the mountain but if you hide it from others you can easily break your commitment.

I think not telling others makes it a million times harder because you get caught in a string of lies. I have done this in the past because I want to "keep the door open" just incase I change my mind, I didn't want to look stupid. To make yourself more comfortable for now, try taking the route of telling friends you're on a new fitness plan and there's no drinking for 60 days! That way, people won't pester you to go out and do things that you would ordinarily do - how many excuses can you really make?