Acheleus

So I did not drink for sixteen days over two different time periods over the last three months. Today I am on day four and going to attend my first AA meeting this morning. The place I live in has nothing but bars downtown and I am 27. I am in school and so worried about embarrassing my self because I am a binge drinker and I black out and wake up with scars and scrapes on my arms and knees. I was dumped a few months ago for being abusive when drunk. Sometimes I feel like a part of me doesn't care if I live or die. I have no friends and no one to talk to about my problem. I am more scared than I have ever been in my life and I was wondering if anyone had any advice on staying quit. The longest I have gone is sixteen days. It's got to the point where I feel numb with or without alcohol.

avocado

You sound a bit like me. I am 34 now and about 95 days sober and probably tried to quit 25 or more times in the years after turning 27. I wish I had quit then, when I got my DUI, but I didn't, and a lot of bad **** happened since. I am now putting pieces of my life back together. I'm lucky I'm not dead or in jail. The only thing I can tell you is that you have to really want it to quit. You have to realize that you'll quit for a while, and then that voice will come back telling you it;s okay and you can now safely moderate your consumption, but this is a lie for many of us, and you sound like you fall in that category. There are no magic behaviors that will make you quit. You really just need to be vigilant with your thoughts and not give in to that voice telling you to drink. This board helps remind me that I don't want to screw my life up even more, that I have a chance to recover and that I owe it to myself to work at it as hard as I can.

fantail

To get through the numbness, you have to make it more than sixteen days. I've done forty days now and it's still something of a roller coaster, but I know I have to stick it out if I want all of this hard work to be worth it.

There are a lot of things that you'll have to accept. As drinkers, we don't like to let things happen... we like to be in control. Sounds funny since we lose control so often, but I mean in the sense that if we don't like how we're feeling, we want to change it. To quit, you need to let go of that. You need to be strong and realize that it'll be uncomfortable sometimes, but that those feelings will pass. The only way to get through this is to give your brain enough time to heal itself.

Just start by focusing on that -- giving your brain a chance to recover. Don't worry yet about your whole life, don't worry about where you're going to hang out if you can't go to the bars, don't worry about your relationships or goals, don't even worry about whether you're happy or not. Just make a commitment to stay dry long enough to give yourself a chance to evaluate what life is really like sober. And put one foot in front of the other.

You can do this. I'm 29 and over the last year my drinking got so bad that I would regularly vomit bile when I woke up in the morning. I was so addicted that I would do that and still drink later that day.

And then I realized, sh**. If I'm tough enough to go about living my life, acting like I'm fine when really my body and mind are being broken by this drug... then I'm sure as hell tough enough to deal with cravings.

You are too. You can do it! Nothing is as hard as the roller coaster you've already been through. Just stay dry long enough to give your brain a chance to start healing. Tough it out until then.

Acheleus

Thank you for the support. I love Virginia Woolf. I can quit for a few weeks but then I begin to face things I never really faced before. My grandparents killed themselves when I was twelve and I still think about their funerals and how cold my grandmothers skin was at the viewing when I touched her hand. My mother is an addict and has been in jail. She was my best friend and I haven't talked to her in five years. My father lost everything he owned when I was in high school and I haven't had a home since. I drank to have some connection with my mother. I guess alcohol felt like a home too. All of this hell is unresolved and during my windows of sobriety I wrote about the dysfunctional people I come from. The emotional pain is overwhelming during sobriety but I am ready to face it. I believe I can conquer this now.

MythOfSisyphus

The hurricane of troubles and emotions will calm considerably when you've gone a few months without drinking. At first it seems like the booze is helping you cope but in truth it's fanning the flames. Drinking to solve your problems is like trying to drown a fire with gasoline.

least

Yes!! You CAN beat this thing! Many of us on SR have gotten sober against all odds. You say you're in school. Is there any resource at your school you can use? Do they have a counseling program for students?

I know when I was drinking I felt hopeless like I'd never be able to stop drinking but with the support of the people on here and my counselor I've been sober now for three years... and I was a hopeless drunk.

Can you check out any AA meetings in your area? That might be a good place to start.

I wish you the best in your quest to get sober.

Acheleus

I am going to my first AA meeting in two hours. I cannot quit on my own.

Fandy

Welcome to SR!
Keep reading and posting with us too for support.
It is a good place to vent and ask questions 24/7/365...someone is always around.
You sound as if you may be what is referred to tongue in cheek, as a "double winner".
Read on the friends/family section.
Good luck on your first meeting,let us know how it went.

fantail

That is a huge amount of pain to face... I'm so sorry for what you've been through. But even though you may have delayed processing it in some ways by using alcohol, you should also give yourself credit for what you have faced. You've been through terrible things and managed to get yourself on your feet and through school... while coping with an addiction. Getting sober will be a new challenge, but you sound like someone who stands up well to challenge.

2granddaughters

AA was just the ticket for me. I tried everything else to no avail.

All the best.

Bob R

Anna

Yes, you can stop drinking and recover.

My suggestion would be to know that you will have to deal with the issues you've been running from. I was so afraid of the issues in my life and I thought I wouldn't be able to get through it. Recovery is so much more than just stopping drinking. But, I did and so can you.

Acheleus

Got through day four and didn't talk during the meeting. Tonight my alcoholic voice is telling me to drink because I am alone and always will be--so what does it matter if I am a drunk? I wish I could just remember what my last hangover felt like. My AV also tells me I am too old to change, that I cannot live without drinking at least once a week. I am really tired. I am in graduate school and feel so inadequate and isolated. I must be a loser because I don't have any friends. I am a drink and no one likes being around a sad/angry drunk. Day 5 tomorrow and I hope things look brighter.

Pondlady

You are not alone. Many of us know exactly how you feel. Good job on not drinking today

quitforme79

Congrats on 4 days...the first few can be the hardest so give yourself some credit. I can relate to your story in a few ways..I too became angry sometimes when drunk and lashed out physically. (I am a female so this is probably why I didn't end up arrested).

As for the family dysfunction? Yes and yes. I am sorry to hear about the things you went through, I know it hurts to lose people you love whether it's to death or addiction. BUT, you are still here and that means your journey is not over and you have important things to do. You say you are in grad school. That takes a lot of determination and motivation. Therefore, maybe you FEEL like a loser but you are not. You are just a little lost right now and I can promise you that if you stay sober your life will get better. It certainly won't get worse.

AA has really helped me. Working the steps has helped me really deal with my past- from childhood to now. I was in therapy for 10 years and didn't feel the peace I am starting to now that has come from being in the program.

Take care of yourself and whatever you do, don't drink! Get to bed tonight and that's one more day down. I am glad you are here and look forward to sharing our journeys!

Acheleus

Thank you for the support. I came on this site a lot but did not post too much. Connecting with others helps me understand I am not alone and that other people know the hell that is alcoholism. I have been reading the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics and I realized why I am the way I am. Thank you all for the kind words. My heart is stronger every day I remain sober. Maybe the anxiety and depression will lift soon.

Mizzuno

Yes, the anxiety and depression goes away for a lot of people after they quit numbing themselves with alcohol. Sometimes, we have to deal with the fact that we were depressed prior to our drinking and then finally deal with our depression head on. I think you are doing a fine job. Keep up the good work. Nothing was ever made better by drinking. A lot of positive things can happen when we walk the road to a better tomorrow.

Toss

Let's put things in perspective. I'm 47, drank moderate to heavily for the past 20 years. My drinking was due to anxiety and shyness. I have stopped for long periods of time and started back up again because my AV said I could handle it.

To be 27 again, to have those 20 years back of hangovers, feeling like crap, eating poorly, scheduling my life around drinking. Disappointing my family, spending enough money that I probably could have retired years earlier if it was saved.

Living for the drink, nothing else.

Getting drunk is easy, stopping and starting to deal with life is hard. I decided 5 months ago I was done taking the easy route, time to start living.

You have many years to figure this out. Take it day by day, read SR often and get any help you can that will put you on the right path.

Toss

quitforme79

I have read a few books about adult children of alcoholics & felt they were written just for me. At least we know why we always feel/ felt different now

My anxiety has decreased immensely since quitting drinking.

Acheleus

Yes Lord. My mother was evicted, moved back in with my dad. Used to keep bottles of michelob light in the freezer and drank white wine over ice. A few years ago I was trying to finish school and she called me to say I would be better as a dead son than a live one. Haven't talked to her since. She was an epileptic too. I really hope the dark days are behind me. Reading about how other people grew up with alcoholic parents helps me understand that I can learn to have healthy relationships one day. This website is keeping me positive and strong. Thank you guys.

Fandy

Glad you still here reading and posting...connecting with us everyday is a good lifeline to grab on to when you let your addictive voice "yell in your head"..(there is a whole thread about that over in secular too...kind of poking fun at the ridicules things we think).
Anyway, for me booze exacerbated my depression in which i drank to escape, was depressed from drinking everyday. It was a vicious cycle. Once i broke it, my problems did not magically disappear, but i dealt with them much more logically and i was calmer. Also over time, your sleep quality is much more restorative.
Every day you remain sober will help you see things a bit differently.
You cannot allow your mother's hurtful actions to dictate the rest of your life, you deserve to be happy and healthy.