deeker

Ok Acheleus, Don't let me down tomorrow either. I'll be looking for you!

That self esteem will return. Get to that meeting, you'll leave with some new hope. Sleep well Acheleus. I will keep you in my thought and prayers.

deeker

Hi Acheleus, how you doing today. Did you keep our pact? I did.

Acheleus

I had my first eye exam in years today and bought some contacts. Then I went to the library and shopped for groceries. I loved not being hungover. 8 days of sobriety and I feel great. Thanks deeker

deeker

Yay! Your whole life will become a lot clearer. Just keep pluggin along! Yay!!!!

You do AA Ach? How was the meeting? here's a audio link to a Big Book.
Big Book Audio MP3

Linked with Permission Of AA World Services, inc.

Acheleus

I went to a few meetings but decided to do it alone. I am on day 10. Today I read outside for a class and I got sunburned!!! It hurts and I have felt anxious and mad at my self for being so ********. I thought my brain would be stronger by now but I guess not. Also, these horrible memories keep rising in my mind, recollections of how much I abused the one person I really loved. Have not heard her voice in months. But she doesn't deserve to give any of her time to a pathetic, self-destructive loser. Tonight is living hell. I realize I have no tools to deal with my loneliness and anxiety. I feel unreal, like a dang ghost hanging around real people with lives, friends, spouses. I shouldn't be putting all this bitchery on a website, what is wrong with me? I have no one in this world to talk to, not a single friend. What the hell am I supposed to do?

deeker

Acheleus- Yooooohooooo?


Acheleus, Not good to be alone with your thoughts. Whats goin on?
Vent away!

ScoutBall

Don't beat yourself up over a sunburn. I understand that you feel anxious, but I'd take sunburn over liver roasting any day--which is what I've been doing my whole life until 2 days ago.
Pathetic, self-destructive losers would never even think of trying to get help, nor take steps to do so. You have. You're none of those things.
Let us know how we can help. Let's type at each other. I'm just working out how to get through day 2. So, I'm right there with ya.

Acheleus

Sometimes I do not know what is going on. I cut my alcoholic, pill popping mother out of my life four years ago and I just have been crying because I realize I will never see her again. School is stressful and the people in my classes make me feel like a very unstable, inadequate person. They all seem so content and normal, it is sickening. One thing I miss about bars is hanging out with damaged people I could relate to. When I quit drinking one time a few months ago I had so much energy. Now I go to class and stay in bed. However, I did get a lot of reading done today. It's just difficult to relate to other people who appear to lead happy lives. Today I was so frightened. My life feels like it is over. If I could drink and socialize I would feel better, but I cannot drink. Maybe I will stop feeling like a dead person soon. I wish I was smart and successful like my mother wanted me to be, but I was always a drunk screw up who squandered opportunities. Nothing really matters to me any longer. Everyone leaves me and I have tried to be strong but I don't know if I can carry the load any more. Ivan Karamazov said the world was such a morally corrupt place that no decent person would choose to live in it. It's a flawed argument, but that does not erase its appeal.

Acheleus

And to deeker: I MISS Florida sooooooo much. I moved back to my native state for school where I run into all these people that bring back sad memories. The first chance I get I am moving back to Florida. Florida is my salvation!!!!

ScoutBall

I'm sure you've heard this. Don't judge books by their covers?
I was one of those "content and normal" people. All outward appearances are there.
I didn't walk around with a giant sign that said:
"After I leave this fun social gathering, I'm gonna go home to my booze and drink till I pass out!"
You're probably more "normal" than you think. Maybe you did squander some opportunities--but give yourself a break. You said yourself you were a "drunk screw-up" and that could have led to missing out on a couple opportunity knocks.
What's cool about right now is: You're not drunk right now.
Either am I!
I feel like unholy Hell, but I'm not going to get a drink, nor am I going to wake up tomorrow hungover.
You can do this, and from what I've seen and read on here--a lot of people think you can too. Just because we're not physically with you doesn't mean you are alone. Keep posting, Acheleus.

deeker

Well see Acheleus, that's the thing, You don't have to carry the load alone anymore. That is why we are here. That is why I am here. You are there for me and I am here for you. We need eachother. that's how this whole thing works. It's how AA began, 2 hopeless drunks unable to get sober by themselves no matter what but when they got together they were able to do what they couldn't do alone. Because they understood one another. No one understands us like eachother. That was 1935, now thier are 58,820 AA groups in The US alone and growing. The number of members is over 1, 290,716 and growing in leaps and bounds. It works Acheleus and you are ruling yourself out. And by the way Most people are not happy and living carefree lives.

Everyone has their own problems and I bet if everyone in the room threw their problems in the middle of the table that you just may pick yours up again. We all have heartache and pain in our lives. This is an imperfect world.
But we each can make a difference. You need to start thinking a little more positively and find the things that you can be grateful for.

Are you blind?Are you deaf? Are you homeless? Are you crippled? Achaleus you have a treatable illness called alcoholism. Are you willing to take the treatment? Are you ready now to stop living in the past which is just wasting the present and doing nothing for your future. You have to make a decision Ach! Love deek

I will be looking for you tomorrow night Ach. I care, we all do.
Now snap out of it.

Acheleus

I'm snapped out. I have a great chance to realize who I am. Diet and exercise here I come. Thank you good people. No more wallowing and self pity.

trachemys

Some days you're the windshield.

deeker

Woohooooo! That will be 25.00 please haha! Gnight Ach!

deeker

Hi Acheleus, I am so exhausted, Gonna go pass out. Long day. I hope you are doing well today. Been keeping you in my thoughts and prayers! Pm me if you need to talk, I will respond tomorrow. Nite Nite! Deek

IWillWin

Ach - yay for you!

Self pity is my worst enemy. My father was an alcoholic and when he FINALLY got sober about 15 years ago he was asked why it stuck that time. He said "I stopped feeling sorry for myself." I find myself in the same boat and with the same answer.

So proud of you for keeping it moving and coming back to SR! I wish you all the best. You are not alone - there are millions of us just like you. Sober.

Acheleus

Thank you. Day 12 today and have to write a difficult paper tonight. Both my parents were drunks. My dad drank while driving to wherever we were going. He drinks everyday and never had a DUI. He did lose his business and our home when I was younger. The main reason I drank was because we lost everything and he moved to another state, then my mother went to jail and is on disability now. I am in grad school and I hope to become a writer and publish novels about my experiences. My mothers father drank everyday and had eight duis. He was in jail. It is difficult for me to meet people because I feel like they are normal and can see I come from drunk rednecks and white trash. So yeah... Alcohol abuse is in my blood. I'm miserable inside but I put on that normal facade I used when drinking. My dad is the same way, full of **** and a chameleon. Hell, now I want a drink! Gonna nap and then try to write this paper. Hating school!!!

ScoutBall

You and I both know picking up a drink is the last thing you need!
A nap sounds much better.
Thinking of you today, Bud.