need to start over.....again
 

Well, this isn't my first post here, however I had been drinking when I first signed up and couldn't remember my login information, not even the user name, that in itself is pretty pathetic...
Anyway, I am a mother to three beautiful girls (16, 4, 3) and wife to my husband for almost 18 years. I am a RN and work night shift. There are three nights a week I don't drink, which is when I work. I usually drink 3 out of the 4 nights that I am off work and at home. We have a busy household like most people, and I am finishing my BSN which I will graduate and be done in July- I started to drink more than just socially about 2years ago, which ironically is when I went back to school to get my BSN. I usually drink later in the night, while working on my homework, shopping online, etc when the kids are going to bed. I have had a few bouts of sober weeks here and there, the longest being two weeks about this time last year. Currently I go maybe 2 days in a row sober if I am scheduled to work two nights together...this weekend, particularly yesterday I really pushed it too far. Saturday night my husband and I played darts at home, had drinks, he went to bed and I continued to drink and call friends to chat. I woke up half drunk/half hungover yesterday and noticed the cocktail still sitting on my nightstand and decided to add ice and drink it...at 9am. Later around noon I snuck back into the liquer cabinent and made another, unbeknownest to anyone...by early afternoon my husband wanted to go have a late lunch with friends and a beer, so our eldest watched the little ones and we went out. In the car he asked me if I had been drinking, I lied and blamed cold medicine was making me feel funny....I really don't think he bought it..we came home and I was bombed. I was in bed by 7. Today he again asked me if I had drank earlier Sunday without telling him, and I again denied it. This is just not the person I am....I feel so beyond sad. Thanks for being here.

Hi! The latter part of the story started happening to me. And I thought how dare he ask me that. Duh! No brainer. I got to that point because I was secretly drowning in my own thoughts. Alcohol made it go away, and it scared the cheap outta me. I never ever want to be that person again. I am so lucky that it didn't land me in jail for DUI! I came to the realization that my actions weren't normal. I have slowly over the last 6 months started talking more to my husband about my problem, and it's helping, but I didn't want to admit defeat to the one person I blamed everything on. I have learned though, that being right and doing right are almost polar opposites, and for me, I need to see the difference and remember that! I was a drinking mess towards the end, But thank goodness I found sobriety! Life is so much better! I had almost four months and relapsed, thinking i could handle it, and it got me right back to the bottom. but by the grace of god, im back at 29 days! i can do this! You can do this! Keep reading! I wish you the best!

He probably smelled it.

We can live in delusion, but other people don't live there.

I lived in "Sugarbearville: Population of 1" and it was a very dishonest and lonely place to live.

You can stay stopped, too! :)

Hugs,

Your situation sounds very similar to my own with a few exceptions that don't really seem to make any difference as the end result was the same.
The 'day drinking', drinking after everyone else (hubby) was done and gone to bed. The 'being tired'.
I knew what I was doing was hurting myself and I put things in the back of my mind and fed the alcohol bandit in my head. I went to my Dr for a 'check up' knowing lab tests would not be good, and they weren't. It was my own fault to get that way and now it's going to be my responsibility to myself to make it better.
I have been booze free for over 100 days. Yes, I do miss it but less and less every day.
Even now sleeping is an issue but I think not working even though my job was crap, is not helping. Some yard work is going to be the solution rather than drinking.
You have a great future and a wonderful family. Good luck to you.

Thanks everyone...I really do want to get control of my issues. Drinking has been a catalyst for my struggles with depression and anxiety. After I had our last daughter I told a very good friend of mine that I never wanted to go back to drinking to the point of getting drunk, I spent nearly two years either pregnant or nursing and it was the best I had ever felt. But within a year after she was born I slowly went back to drinking and drinking more and now I stand here and think, "what the h-e-l-l am I doing to myself and my family"...there is so much more to life to enjoy, I don't need a cocktail or beer in my hand to enjoy it....

AA got me sober and keeps me sober. Might just do the trick for you.

We have nursing students attend our group occasionally to see what is going on.

All the best.

Bob R

I actually attended an AA meeting as a student nurse....I could literally walk to the AA location from my house. I drive by it almost everyday. I hate that I can't get the courage to go in there for a meeting....

Stop on in, at least just to check it out,Definately ins't worse than what youv'e been doing! Good Luck

Everything you need is inside that door. Stop at the door, say a prayer, take a deep breath ... and walk in.

All the best.

Bob R

I say thanks bc ur first reply will remind me of why I am quitting. I can't keep hiding in every bathroom there is to do a pill my life is at its worst since 3 years back I cannot and will not allow myself to be a slave to pills. God I pray that I can say that everyday all day.

Percsagain, good luck to you...keep coming here!

Thank and I will as soon as I really learn how to use this website lol but I'm only hours into my new life of sobriety I'm scared. But I'm doing I am going to live free again. I know it's possible

Welcome to both of you! We're glad to have you in the family!:hug:

From what I hear, AA is a wonderful thing. But I have social anxiety so this is a great place for me to start. It is very hard to walk through those doors. And there's always someone here 24/7 from all over the globe. Whatever you decide to choose, the fact that you are here and reaching out means you are racing your reality and doing something really positive for yourself!!!! :You_Rock_

I worked so hard on hiding my drinking from my family that lying was an everyday thing for me. I had a hard time keeping the lies straight. And, as you said, that is not who I am. Know for sure that you can get beyond this and be the person you want to be. There is lots of support here, so keep reading and posting.