Desperately Sad
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 1
Desperately Sad
Good Morning,
This is my first post, my first time registering with any kind of support group/program. Please be patient as I learn the ropes of discussion and posting.
I will try to summarize.
My husband and I are desperately sad and frustrated today and have no idea what to do (if anything) next. You see my almost 22 year old son is back living at home since October 2011 when he and the university he attended agreed to part ways. He began self-medicating in college with marijuana and thus began the downward spiral.
He was subsequently diagnosed Bi-Polar II, but the marijuana habit, plus alcohol use and binge drinking continued. We did all the things that have been discussed in the blogs: hid valuables, changed work schedules, took him to appointments, etc. etc.
Over the last year he has been employed and never misses work, finished his AA at the community college and plans to transfer this coming fall to the state university. Let me add, he did go to counseling, sporadically, for several months, but does not attend anything at this time.
It seems he does exceptionally well (making good decisions, staying clean, being responsible) then there is an incident.
Recently, he has been spending time with his "old buddies", thus the pot use has increased, the lying, stealing, etc. We since have found out this weekend that he is dealing. We confronted him about money and he told me.
I was angry, felt used, frustrated and as I said earlier, desperately sad.
I went over all the risks he is taking, the consequences and all the hard work he has done--then to just throw is all away. Is it worth it, I asked him. He said, "no". He then went to his "apartment" in our basement and brought me his pot, pipe and money.
Now, I am in the position to believe him once again, help him to get through the next 4 months before he transfers to new school OR to throw my hands up and kick him out of the house. (I really cannot bring myself to do that.) But, I want to discuss with him voluntary admittance to a recovery program.
I need your insight and suggestions as this point. I cannot go on with just hoping he makes the right decisions and doesn't end up in jail or worse. It breaks my heart to think all has been a rouse and it is just a matter of time.
Just a Mom trying to do the best for her son.
jla
This is my first post, my first time registering with any kind of support group/program. Please be patient as I learn the ropes of discussion and posting.
I will try to summarize.
My husband and I are desperately sad and frustrated today and have no idea what to do (if anything) next. You see my almost 22 year old son is back living at home since October 2011 when he and the university he attended agreed to part ways. He began self-medicating in college with marijuana and thus began the downward spiral.
He was subsequently diagnosed Bi-Polar II, but the marijuana habit, plus alcohol use and binge drinking continued. We did all the things that have been discussed in the blogs: hid valuables, changed work schedules, took him to appointments, etc. etc.
Over the last year he has been employed and never misses work, finished his AA at the community college and plans to transfer this coming fall to the state university. Let me add, he did go to counseling, sporadically, for several months, but does not attend anything at this time.
It seems he does exceptionally well (making good decisions, staying clean, being responsible) then there is an incident.
Recently, he has been spending time with his "old buddies", thus the pot use has increased, the lying, stealing, etc. We since have found out this weekend that he is dealing. We confronted him about money and he told me.
I was angry, felt used, frustrated and as I said earlier, desperately sad.
I went over all the risks he is taking, the consequences and all the hard work he has done--then to just throw is all away. Is it worth it, I asked him. He said, "no". He then went to his "apartment" in our basement and brought me his pot, pipe and money.
Now, I am in the position to believe him once again, help him to get through the next 4 months before he transfers to new school OR to throw my hands up and kick him out of the house. (I really cannot bring myself to do that.) But, I want to discuss with him voluntary admittance to a recovery program.
I need your insight and suggestions as this point. I cannot go on with just hoping he makes the right decisions and doesn't end up in jail or worse. It breaks my heart to think all has been a rouse and it is just a matter of time.
Just a Mom trying to do the best for her son.
jla
Sobriety is Traditional
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Orcas Island, Washington
Posts: 9,067
Please be patient with us too! Come back later and check for more answers please!
There's lots more information in the Friends and Family Section. Others often have different opinions from me.
If he is at all enthusiastic about the rehab program, that would be great. But he needs followup. I was excited when you said he got his AA in College; I thought you meant he was going to AA meetings there but that is the followup he needs after rehab.
If possible, look for a rehab program that has will also deal with his dual diagnosis. You may want to look at this thread for a different opinion: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...asy-steps.html
now's the time
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,181
It sounds like you should set out a program with him for what he needs to do in order to stay at home. He should understand that you aren't going to support him unconditionally. At 22 he might be too young to realize yet that you aren't required to be his safety net... but on the other hand it does sound like he realizes he has a problem, that's good.
Maybe he could agree to a counseling schedule or a rehab stint or something along those lines as a condition of continuing to be supported/live with you?
Maybe he could agree to a counseling schedule or a rehab stint or something along those lines as a condition of continuing to be supported/live with you?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
I'm not qualified to suggest things since I am not professionally trained and don't know all the facts. But I do agree that you have a serious situation, something which happens quite often unfortunately in today's times. And my heart goes out to any parent that has to struggle with this. So I guess I have to state the obvious. It helps to get a good counselor to sort through the issues and options, and to make suggestions. In the final analysis, it will be up to your son. You can't "fix" the situation, can't "rescue" him. He has to do it for himself. Ultimately this is what you will have to face. As you know there are groups like Alanon which may help. And other types of support groups where you may get some suggestions from other parents in the same boat. In my neighborhood I know of two families who have had this problem. And there is no easy solution unless the kid gets insight into what's in store for him or her unless there is a change.
Do keep posting on this SR website. There may well be others who can be more helpful than I have been. Good luck.
W.
Do keep posting on this SR website. There may well be others who can be more helpful than I have been. Good luck.
W.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome jla!
I think anyone would understand your worry and frustration. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to help your son. For those of us who have experienced addiction, it's not that uncommon to have a relapse or two, especially in the first year.
Getting support for yourself is important, too (counseling, AlAnon, NarAnon). There's a forum here for family/friends as well, one for alcoholism and one for substance abuse:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I think anyone would understand your worry and frustration. It sounds like you are doing the best you can to help your son. For those of us who have experienced addiction, it's not that uncommon to have a relapse or two, especially in the first year.
Getting support for yourself is important, too (counseling, AlAnon, NarAnon). There's a forum here for family/friends as well, one for alcoholism and one for substance abuse:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
Life Health Prosperity
Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: Louisana
Posts: 6,752
If he gets busted dealing in your home there is the possibility you could suffer the consequences just as badly as he. He's a 22 year old adult with little care what could happen to you, your husband, and your property. I wish the best for all of you. 
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,781
I am sorry you are going thru all this but agree with wpainterw in that he has to want to change, you can't make him want to be clean. Also the legal risk to you is another consideration. If he got in trouble it's likely you'd be involved in some way just due to it being your house.
I hope you can come to a solution to this situation.
I hope you can come to a solution to this situation.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Welcome jla. I'm so glad you found us, and hope you will get some suggestions that will help with this dilemma. It's good to know we aren't alone at times like this. I'm happy you are here.
~sb
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: MD
Posts: 15,967
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