100 Days Today.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 44
100 Days Today.
I haven't posted on here too frequently, as I am not too sure that I have the insight that some of you folk have. It was probably lack of insight that kept me drinking.
I was/ am a binge drinker. I have managed to rationalise my drunkeness/sickness/ selfishness/ shame/ cravings etc.....for many years. Too many really. More than a great many people on here who already know that they have a problem. I am a bright bloke, but shortly before Christmas lat year I woke up from a blackout, was told what I had done he night before and about the upset I had caused.....and went off to buy a drink, taking my kids with me.
When I got home I talked to my wife and explained that I didn't enjoy the blackouts because I don't remember them. I explained as best I could about the anxiety and excitement that comes with losing control when drinking. I also explained about feeling absolutely defeated and desperate when moving out of yet another bender.
She didn't understand, like many spouses, but she did try and she has been very supportive.
I have been seeing a drink counsellor, I have spoken to her about the wreckage left along the way and about the shame etc....
There are people on here like me, that is why I come on here! I am on day 100 without drink, funnily yesterday sitting down for Sunday lunch sorting wine for the relatives, was the toughest time.
It is boring at times, without the quick fix. But slowly emotions and feelings are beginning to resurface, interests I wanted to have but didn't are growing where the drink was. Who knows what the future holds?
I had begun to convince myself that the odd glass of wine could be managed, but this place and some honest mental auditing persuaded me that was merely the beginning of the cycle.
If you are like me and sticking it out - good Luck. Thanks to those who have posted and helped along the way.
I was/ am a binge drinker. I have managed to rationalise my drunkeness/sickness/ selfishness/ shame/ cravings etc.....for many years. Too many really. More than a great many people on here who already know that they have a problem. I am a bright bloke, but shortly before Christmas lat year I woke up from a blackout, was told what I had done he night before and about the upset I had caused.....and went off to buy a drink, taking my kids with me.
When I got home I talked to my wife and explained that I didn't enjoy the blackouts because I don't remember them. I explained as best I could about the anxiety and excitement that comes with losing control when drinking. I also explained about feeling absolutely defeated and desperate when moving out of yet another bender.
She didn't understand, like many spouses, but she did try and she has been very supportive.
I have been seeing a drink counsellor, I have spoken to her about the wreckage left along the way and about the shame etc....
There are people on here like me, that is why I come on here! I am on day 100 without drink, funnily yesterday sitting down for Sunday lunch sorting wine for the relatives, was the toughest time.
It is boring at times, without the quick fix. But slowly emotions and feelings are beginning to resurface, interests I wanted to have but didn't are growing where the drink was. Who knows what the future holds?
I had begun to convince myself that the odd glass of wine could be managed, but this place and some honest mental auditing persuaded me that was merely the beginning of the cycle.
If you are like me and sticking it out - good Luck. Thanks to those who have posted and helped along the way.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
100 days is brilliant!
I hear you on the boredom front. However, as someone who blacked out a lot, I would rather take boredom any day. The misery of blacking out, the anxiety, the self loathing, the shame, the paranoia makes the boredom at times okay.
How does your drink counsellor help you deal with the shame of your past drunken behaviour? I would be interested to know as it is something I very much struggle with. Just to have a day without those thoughts would be great for me.
Take lots of care xx
I hear you on the boredom front. However, as someone who blacked out a lot, I would rather take boredom any day. The misery of blacking out, the anxiety, the self loathing, the shame, the paranoia makes the boredom at times okay.
How does your drink counsellor help you deal with the shame of your past drunken behaviour? I would be interested to know as it is something I very much struggle with. Just to have a day without those thoughts would be great for me.
Take lots of care xx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 44
Originally Posted by Sasha4 
100 days is brilliant!
I hear you on the boredom front. However, as someone who blacked out a lot, I would rather take boredom any day. The misery of blacking out, the anxiety, the self loathing, the shame, the paranoia makes the boredom at times okay.
How does your drink counsellor help you deal with the shame of your past drunken behaviour? I would be interested to know as it is something I very much struggle with. Just to have a day without those thoughts would be great for me.
Take lots of care xx
I hear you on the boredom front. However, as someone who blacked out a lot, I would rather take boredom any day. The misery of blacking out, the anxiety, the self loathing, the shame, the paranoia makes the boredom at times okay.
How does your drink counsellor help you deal with the shame of your past drunken behaviour? I would be interested to know as it is something I very much struggle with. Just to have a day without those thoughts would be great for me.
Take lots of care xx
Sasha, I probably have underlying issues with regret, shame etc...drink just made them worse. My counsellor points out that when you feel bad about yourself drinking gives prime opportunity for doing things tht maintain the 'bad' equilibrium.
I am a lawyer, I tell my clients that intoxication is no defence. Truth is though that drunks do things in drink that they would not otherwise do. I am managing to separate drunk me from sober me, that I hope will become easier when there is more sober me.
I do still have times when I use the past as a stick to beat myself with, but really that is not a drink issue, it is a general state of mind. I am sure that if you manage to speak to the right person (therapist) then they will help you with
that. My counsellor believes in self help, books etc..I work ok with stuff like that. Try John Bradshaw , who writes about shame flowing fom childhood, and its effects in adult life. There are are very few people who have gone through life having done nothing wrong, but not everyone gets up in the morning and starts digging up the past so that they can stay feeling low. I did/ do.
For a long time I did not even relise that feeling bad all the time was not normal. If you have realised this, then you are heading the right way I think.
Good luck and thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Originally Posted by Will69
My counsellor believes in self help, books etc..I work ok with stuff like that. Try John Bradshaw , who writes about shame flowing fom childhood, and its effects in adult life. There are are very few people who have gone through life having done nothing wrong, but not everyone gets up in the morning and starts digging up the past so that they can stay feeling low. I did/ do.
For a long time I did not even relise that feeling bad all the time was not normal. If you have realised this, then you are heading the right way I think.
Good luck and thanks.
When you say about feeling bad and it not being normal to feel like this, I understand too.
The trouble is I believe I have to feel this bad as a punishment for the way I acted and behaved.
Thanks for your post, I will check out that book.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Ohio
Posts: 818
Originally Posted by Will69
I had begun to convince myself that the odd glass of wine could be managed, but this place and some honest mental auditing persuaded me that was merely the beginning of the cycle.
I'm on day 85, but have been experiencing increased feelings of wanting to drink lately. I tell myself that I don't want to return to daily drinking, but enjoying a drink with dinner, friends, on vacation, etc. would be nice ... right? Like you, while the infrequent drink would be nice, I wouldn't leave it there. I would quickly slide back to where I was.
Thanks again for the post and congratulations on your achievement. I hope to join you soon.
Every Mother's Worst Nightmare
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Deep in the heart of LaLa land
Posts: 688
That's a stellar achievement. Many congrats.
I'm not that far behind you this time, but distance is a constant red flag for people like us. It becomes easier to forget just how bad it was. I treat every day like Day One. That way I'm never too far from the gruesome reality of what alcohol and drugs have done to me.
I'm not that far behind you this time, but distance is a constant red flag for people like us. It becomes easier to forget just how bad it was. I treat every day like Day One. That way I'm never too far from the gruesome reality of what alcohol and drugs have done to me.
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