Katieemma44

I apologize in advance if this is the wrong place to be posting, I'm open for the criticism and would greatly appreciate being pointed in the right direction, if this is too grim and unmotivational for this forum.

I was sober for almost a full month after 8 years of heavy drinking and I can't seem to shake it. My partner, understandably, can't deal with it anymore so I've been drinking behind his back, and my family have no idea how to deal with me besides being positive and telling me I need to get help, so.....
Someone please ******* help me!

I thought I could beat this, I thought I could be strong and just knuckle down and move on.... I can't. I haven't. I never will without something stopping me, which after numerous arrests, broken belongings, broken bones, assaults, complete life sabotage I still won't ******* quit it!!!! WHY!

I'm smarter than this. Anyone who knows me, even seeing me through some pretty effed up things, will vouch that I'm a smart girl full of potential and I'm not a waste of space even remotely (besides when I'm drinking)

HELP! This is a plea, I am begging for anyone out there.... I can't do this anymore but I can't stop. I hate the lack of control over it. It's not my personality to not be in control and I can't stand it anymore. My brain almost just blocks out the fact that I'm ruining my life with this..

I live in NSW Australia. I hate meetings. I have no resources that I'm comfortable with. I need someone to actually talk to about this, someone close by preferably, I wanna feel strong again and hopefully motivate the person I get in touch with regularly as well.

It only takes one right answer to change a persons life and I'm hoping I can find it... If you have any response, even if you feel it's silly or not beneficial please just post it anyway.

Thanks guys, I'm beyond proud of all the sober people out there. You inspire me majorly and I want to be like you one day.

least

There are other resources besides AA. Have you looked into a rehab place? Or maybe just a place to detox safely to get you started on a sober life again.

No matter how hopeless you feel, you're not hopeless. You can do this. How badly do you want to be sober?

Coming here is a good first step, just admitting there's a problem is the first step in solving it.

Grymt

I think we're all pretty much the same around here, just different stages. Thanks for sharing.

lucidelusions

I'm not a major fan of meetings. I've just racked up 24 weeks and haven't been to one meeting this time. However, the difference is that I believed that I still had the ability to stop myself from drinking. You really have to own your responsibility for you actions with the booze. Whilst you have a conversation with your mind about the booze, the mind still requires your action to fulfill it's desires.

Simply, you face losing not only your partner and family, but also possibly your freedom and most importantly your health as without that there is no chance for a better life.

Be diciplined and with time you will build up the strength to fight the urge. Life will get better, that is guaranteed. If you can't do it alone, get some help, whether its in rehab, counsellor or in the AA rooms (giving it another go) do whatever it takes. No excuses

LadyinBC

Hi Katie,

Welcome to SR. You definately are not alone in this or how you are feeling. I can remember feeling hopeless and the "oh my god, I can't stop this ****" feeling. Have you thought about seeing a drug and alcohol counsellor? That is what I did as I couldn't stop on my own. I really needed help and someone to give me some direction.

SophieB

Yep, what they said. We are all pretty much the same just different stages. Many other options other than just meetings. Monitored detox or rehab a possibility for you?

it's not easy, fact!, but it can be done Just read around SR ...here's the proof.

patbrat

You have already jumped a major hurdle by admitting you have a problem! Addiction is a nasty little demon that will TRY to control you, but you can beat it! I thought that my addiction to opiates and drink were totally dominating me.....and they were b/c I allowed it too. And then one day 39 days ago I decided that I was tired of feeling nothing any more. I prayed about it and took the jump. It was the best and worst day of my life. But since that day I have grown stronger, healthier and happier. There will always be hurdles that have to be jumped. But I can tell by your words that you have an inner giant in you and you can do this! God bless you K Keep coming back here, it has helped me and many others
You are stronger than your own personal demons

laurie6781

Sounds like you are serious and I will say WELCOME to recovery.

There are some detoxes centers that showed up when I googled:

Google

One of interest is that we always tell folks here in the States about the Salvation Army and on the above list they say they have over 70 places of Rehab in Oz run by the Salvation Army, and it is a FREE program. They have had quite good success with those that want recovery.

I can understand your not liking meetings. I absolutely refused to go to meetings. But when I got sober AA was pretty much the only game in town, so I grit my teeth, clenched my jaw and went. Boy was I in for a surprise!!!

There were people there just like me who had gone through what I had and some even worse, here they were, actually smiling and the smile went all the way to their eyes, actually laughing and the laughs were deep and rich not fake, and when they cried it wasn't fact it was real and gut wrenching. And they were sober!!! Sure peaked my interest because by the time I was looking at recovery I had already died detoxing and new that not drinking was the only way I would be able to live.

Or you can try some one on one therapy. Start calling around for a counselor that specializes in addiction. I know they have lots of those also in Oz.

Yes, the reason I am a bit familiar is because I have spent a lot of time down under and am planning on an extended trip come November. Want to be in Alice for the summer months!!!, rofl

Oh and should you decide to just 'check out' a few meetings, know that you can just sit and listen and do not have to share. You too might be surprised.

I would suggest that you either do a supervised 'medical detox' or have someone around that can call for the ambulance or take you to the emergency when things start to go south. Detoxing from alcohol is DEADLY, please do not try it on your own, even if you have in the past and nothing bad has happened.

I realize it is very very early Monday Morning by you, but you might want to start doing some googling and write down some phone numbers to call after the business day starts.

In the meantime, we are open 24/7 and someone is always here to reply to posts.

Feel free to vent, rant, rave, scream, cry and yes even laugh. You will find lots of folks here who have been where you are, and we are all willing to share our own Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H).

Now that you have asked for help, please know that ALL of us here at Sober Recovery are now walking with you in spirit.

Again, WELCOME.

Love and hugs,

debsam

I couldn't understand why I couldn't "just quit" either KE. What I didn't realize is I was both physically and psychologically dependent...I'd crossed over to a different level with alcohol and I needed help to tackle it head on.

I was truly done and was willing to do ANYTHING to stop.

Start reading and understanding, knowing what your dealing with.

You need to detox you body and your mind...I needed help with that to give myself that running start. I needed to sleep properly so i could start to see things clearer and get rid of the debilitating anxiety that what crippling me...the alcohol was causing ALL of my anxiety and lack of sleep. I was stuck in a vicious cycle.

The real you is in there...fight to get her back...you can do this!

I was YOU almost two years ago.

Finding this site is a blessing...we're all here to support you.

Big hugs....YOU CAN DO THIS

MeSoSober

If you were sober for almost a month, that's almost 31 reasons to believe you CAN do this. Surely there were times during those sober days that you did feel strong and in control? It sounds like you're just having a weak moment. And while almost a month is an excellent start, maybe it's not enough time yet for the cravings/urges to really die down?

I think it's the experience of almost all recovering alcoholics that the cravings DO die down significantly with time.

You could be THIS CLOSE to it getting a lot easier -- do NOT give up now!

DAB

You have already taken the first step, addmitting that you are powerless over alcohol.
I am an extreme introvert and not only disliked the thought of meetings, they scared the crap out of me. I was especially afraid that I would have to speak at a meeting.
I, like you realized I couldn't do this alone. I had tried numerous times and always ended up in the same place. I went to a meeting anyway, I forced myself. I found a very small group, usually less than 12 people. They all had over 5 years of sobriety, many with decades. I felt very comfortable there and kept going back. After about 6 months sober, the guy running the meetings was looking for someone to take over. My sponsor suggested that I volunteer to do it, the group voted and unanimously agreed that I should do it. This had me stepping way outside my comfort zone but I did it anyway and have for a year now. Just last week I passed the honor on to someone that started our group a couple of months ago. In conclusion, I now look forward to going to meetings. They rejuvenate a positive way of thinking. They are all great people that really understand exactly what you are going through. Best of all, you are helping them stay sober just as much they help you. Try different groups, they are all a little different. Just go and listen. Eventually you might find one that fits like a glove. When you do, the rewards are endless!

Katieemma44

First of all, thank you for your response.
I'll just jump right in, yeah I'm a little drunk shocker!

I've done a medical detox. The amount I was, and am again, consuming put me at high risk of seizures, which I had. I had all symptoms in the book for someone withdrawing including some pretty gnarly hallucinations, violent night terrors and apparently harsh flash backs (according to a psychologist).

I haven't been diagnosed while fully sober (off alcohol for more than 24 hours) so the prognosis is hard to determine but I'm apparently suffering from PTSD and DID according to my first psychologist, I'm a schizophrenic according to a clinical psychologist and I'm just suffering from alcohol induced psychosis according to my dr... That in itself is horrifying enough to not want to be sober.

Although I would agree that my time being sober, even with hallucinations, my mind was nothing like when I've been drinking.

I have contacted the salvos which I didn't qualify for, I can't afford a stint in rehab, which is bloody ironic. I know it seems like picking holes in all resources but I'm sick of not feeling like I have the answer. My answer WAS just be strong, suck it up, the only reason you keep drinking is because you're not taking responsibility for it and not taking action; but I've done all of that... And I'm here ruining my life once again.

I need help, but I don't know what it is... I can't see it.

Katieemma44

I've really gotten a lot from all the replies so far, but yours stands out the most.. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Anna

I think you may be looking for an answer that isn't there. It's terribly hard to stop drinking and get on track. We've all done it and I think most people find it extremely hard. You can do it! And here are some resources:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

willie00

i

willie00

I fell off the wagon yesterday and did something crazy, now I feel so badd

MeSoSober

We've all been there. Reading and posting here is a great way to start feeling better.

Hang in there -- it will get better!

FeenixxRising

Katiee, at this point I wouldn't rule out any resource. I know you said you hate meetings, but it's obvious you want help. I've not been to an AA meeting, and I don't find the 12 step approach appealing, but a meeting would at least put you in contact with other people struggling with the same issues. That alone is a big help. In addition, a lot of people have recovered through AA so it does help many people.

My point is that it would not be wise to rule out any legitimate help. Also, don't give up, you may not have made it this time, but if you keep trying odds are very good you will make it.

Remember you're not alone, and if you do feel alone come here and read or post. There is almost always someone here who understands what you're going through, and we're here to give you encouragement or a shoulder to lean on.

Louise82

Welcome to SR Katieemma, and thanks for posting. Keep posting and reading on SR; it's a great resource and support network!

This is very true, especially as you'd like to talk to people who live near you. Even if you just go to one meeting and sit through it, after it finishes you can go up to people and ask for their numbers or ask to meet up with them outside the rooms. That way, you will have locals to support you as well as SR.

And maybe you'll find the meeting more useful/enjoyable than the others you've been to and decide to go to another one. But like others have said, AA isn't the only resource. The link Anna posted above is well worth checking out, just to see all the other options there are.

Also, I also had nearly a month the last time I tried to quit. I'm on my second attempt and now have more than a month - today is my 43rd day. So I know what that aspect of it is like, at least, and can emphasize.

2granddaughters

Your story sounds like mine. I tried everything to get sober and sane.

It finally got so bad that I knew I HAD to go to AA and surrender (or die/go insane).... the hardest thing I ever did.

That was almost 24 yrs ago. It worked !!

All the best.

Bob R