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My Pitiful Story

Old 03-23-2013, 10:21 AM
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My Pitiful Story

I have been drinking for 10 years. I started out drinking on the weekends with my friends. After I met my husband, I started drinking more. I'm not really sure why, but I did. After we got married and I moved in with him and his three children, I began drinking most nights of the week (not to get drunk, just to drink).
I stopped drinking when I became pregnant and started drinking again a month after my daughter was born. After having her, I became more strict with my stepchildren because I did not want my daughter to grow up to be like them. They weren't (and still aren't) the best mannered kids in the world. My oldest stepson (now 17) has always been the biggest problem in my life. As horrible as this sounds, I started drinking, to get drunk, every night just so I didn't have to deal with him and his horrible attitude and whole demeanor. When he is not here, I don't drink. I don't need to.
After a tornado destroyed my home, I was told by my mom that I needed to see a doctor because my whole attitude, patience, nerves, everything had changed. I didn't see it, but if someone else did, I suppose I needed to do something. I was put on anxiety medicine. That worked wonders for me and I didn't need to drink as often when my stepchildren were here. I stopped taking my meds after a few months of being on them because I was always SO SLEEPY while on them. I began drinking again. I was supposed to go back to the doctor this past September but was too embarrassed to, because I had gained so much weight from all the drinking I did after I stopped my medicine. Just total self sabotage every way you look.
Here I sit, KNOWING I need to stop drinking, WANTING to stop drinking, but I cannot. I don't know why. I think I'm going to stop and the next thing I know, I'm in line at the gas station with a bottle of cheap wine and an alcoholic energy drink. Why does something so simple have to be so hard to do? Its as simple as not drinking. SIMPLE... I wish.
I suppose I need to break down and take my obese @$$ to the doctor and get put on some meds that help with anxiety (and now, probably depression) that wont make me sleepy. I dread it. I can only imagine the damage I have don't to my body. Liver damage, possible diabetes, God knows what else.
Everyone has told me to go to meetings, but I just DO NOT want to do that. I'm not a people person and have social anxiety on top of that. I know I need God in my life. I know for a fact; but I've lost my religion along the way. I've been told to look to God, talk to God, read the bible. That it will help me overcome my addiction. Why cant I do that, either? My stomach gets upset just thinking about reading the Bible, or anything about the Bible/God. WHY? My husband, daughter & step children always go to church on Wednesdays and I stay home and drink...
My stepchildren went to their mothers house yesterday, for the first time since Christmas Eve. They plan to stay with her all spring break. That at least gives my liver a break for a while. Unless my husband and I argue, that's always a trigger too. UGH.
I'm in a constant battle with myself and its driving me crazy, giving me headaches, upsetting my stomach and effecting my attitude. I definitely need to see my doctor. Hopefully, I can talk myself into at least doing that.
Gosh, I'm so exhausted.
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Old 03-23-2013, 10:30 AM
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There are times when all I can do is slink in to a meeting and and just sit there, don't have to talk to anyone.. Sometimes I go in to an empty church and just sit there. I often find something of what I'm looking for.
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Old 03-23-2013, 10:32 AM
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There is always a reason to drink, always. But, you can stop by getting rid of the alcohol in your house and not buying anymore today. It won't be easy but it will be a step in the right direction. Talking to your dr is a good idea, too. I think you will find that once you stop drinking, you will have a lot of work to do on yourself and your life because the reasons that you drink are still there. Know for sure that you can do this.
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Old 03-23-2013, 10:46 AM
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Thank you, both. I really appreciate your replies.

"you will have a lot of work to do on yourself and your life because the reasons that you drink are still there."

You are exactly right. I feel moving out is the only way things could get better. My 13 year old stepdaughter is walking the same path as her 17 year old brother. Which means, I will be going through pure hell again if I stay. I hate divorce, especially when my 5 year old daughter is involved, but I don't want her to grow up with a mommy who constantly drinks. I don't want that to be something she remembers for the rest of her life.
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Old 03-23-2013, 10:48 AM
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I started drinking a lot to escape my stepchildren funnily enough. My eldest step daughter was foul mouthed and would start arguing with everyone she could and they stayed every weekend. I used to get plastered and it would all go over my head. Then I started drinking just before my husband got home, as things got more tense between us. This again would help me seem like I'm not annoyed or unhappy, mustn't upset anyone.
Then after my marriage broke down, I would start drinking as the evening started so I would be a nice easy going mum to my daughter, who generally has something to complain about (teenager).
Then when I couldn't pay bills I would guzzle more booze to stop the worry. Years down the line I found myself in a terrible state of anxiety - cant pay my bills, this is all my stupid husbands fault I'm now on my own struggling etc etc.
I was raised by my strict catholic headmistress mother - so you can imagine my views on religion (typical rebel).
One night I drank nearly a litre of rum and still my mind wouldn't quiet. I woke up sweating and shaking and terrified, and just called out 'please god, help me'.
Since then (only two weeks ago), I haven't touched a drop. I can see clearly where I have been going wrong over all the years - drinking made everything crumble around me and I just thought I was unfortunate. I have been to two meetings, they ask you trust your life to a higher power. So I decided 'ok, I trust you, you take over, if I don't drink, what will be will be.'
I have been offered a brilliant job, and joined an agency where I can earn silly money and be paid within days - so I can start paying my debts.
I feel my shout out to god was answered that night. I actually don't think I will make it through this unless I continue down this path - there are other ways to stop drinking though and I really hope you find the right one for you.
In the meantime, stop drinking, don't worry about your weight, it will start dropping off even if you eat twice as much, in time. Problems can't be sorted put while we are drinking, I'm convinced of it. Good luck xxx
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Old 03-23-2013, 11:01 AM
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Thank you, Daisy. I really appreciate you replying. I've always felt guilty talking to God, knowing I'm a terrible Christian (if I can even still be called that). Maybe, trying one good time, could be a step in the right direction.
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Old 03-23-2013, 12:43 PM
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I just called out for help greenbeans. Now I catch myself saying 'thank you' :-) xxx
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Old 03-23-2013, 01:26 PM
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Looking back on when I began to drink more, it was about a year or two into my second marriage. Blending families isn't easy. I wish I hadn't drunk wine, I think the issues would have been resolved sooner with clear heads all the way around.
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Old 03-23-2013, 02:15 PM
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to SR! You've come to a wonderful place for support and useful info about addiction. Know that you can stop drinking and make a better life for yourself and your daughter. Stay sober one day at a time and see how much better you feel the longer you're sober.
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Old 03-23-2013, 03:10 PM
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You're not pitiful, GreenBeans. You're a person facing the truth about her drinking and you're trying to do something about it. We're glad you joined us - you'll find this place to be encouraging and filled with hope.

I had a hard time admitting drinking wasn't a comfort anymore - and certainly not a way to cope with problems. I clung to that idea for so long, but what we need is to have a clear head to deal with life. We sabotage ourselves when we get numb and foggy - life goes on around us, and we're phoning it in. You'll feel so much better getting free of it - and we know you can! We're glad you're here - you're not trying to deal with this alone anymore.
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Old 03-24-2013, 11:21 AM
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Thank you, everyone for your replies. I really appreciate you taking the time to help me. I'm doing much better and am in the process of typing up an email for my doctor, explaining everything that is going on with me and that I NEED HELP. I will do better with writing her than telling her face to face. Goes along with my anxiety...
My husband and I went on a date last night. Our first one in many, many, many months. I did drink, but I didn't drink as much as I normally would have. Woke up without a hangover, which is a plus. I bought a bottle of Crown last night, but never opened it. Shocking!
I'm going to be babysitting this week, which is something I have not done in a long time; therefore, today is day one for me. I cannot be drunk/hung-over while babysitting, so this is a great way to start. A sign perhaps?
Thank you again, everyone. I'm making a "Crush Your Boredom" checklist. All the things I can do when I get bored and start thinking about drinking. I've also decided, when the stepchildren are here, that I will start getting out more and walking around my neighborhood. That will get me out of the house, away from alcohol and help me get back into shape. My daughter will enjoy the walks too!
Have a wonderful Sunday everyone!
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