Dejvice

Hi all

last week of August 2012 I stopped drinking....coming up on 7 months. In side me I could feel it was going to happen, can't explain the feeling, but I had this feeling that it was not going to get any better and was going to get worse. So I stopped, first weekend I went cold turkey, without my family, even kept a bottle of beer in the fridge....with a childish note on it 'fcuK u'. Seems a while ago but even after almost months the challenge still continues. Sometimes I want to sink a bottle of beer, why not? But that feeling in side me is more stronger than that I don't want to go back there ever. During my alcoholism I still worked, provided for my family etc.....but I was faking it. I looked after them but alcohol was my 'family', my friend, my buddy, my reason to be who I am or who I had become.

I still dwell upon all the excuses I made to drink, the excuses I made to go to the bar, the excuses the excuses were endless. I dwell upon the pain and embarrassment I caused my family, embarrassed to think that my young son went to school maybe he was thinking that his dad is just an alcoholic (he did call me an alcoholic during the summer of 2012....and he is just 11), what feelings did he have inside, all he ever knew from the day he was born was a dad who went to the bar, drank bottles of beer at home. The same for my wife she saw all this too.....she saw the guy she married from drinking on a Friday or Saturday to drinking everyday. Do these feelings keep me going?....yes they do. To really consider that one person could make their life so miserable because of my weakness, my simple weakness (and selfishness)for alcohol.

Yesterday my wife said to me that she cannot still believe that I have stopped.....her exact words 'it is such a long time I can't believe....'. In this respect we don't discuss it so much, but about 2 months ago I told her that some time I get the urge but I don't want to go back there ever. It is hard to explain but when you know / live with a person for almost 20 years her expression alone was enough for me to understand that she really knew I was / am fighting it. She didn't say anything the expression on her face was enough for me to know that she really understood..... That keeps me going too.

I have spent sometime on SR.....just reading about people's experience, what they are going through etc. This has been and is still very supportive. And I doubt I would have got this far without SR. Just knowing that many people are in the same boat and doing their best to continue really is infectious.

Its is a pity that I am an alcoholic, I would love to be the guy who could drink 4 or 5 beers a week, but that is not me, as much as I would like to be that guy I can't be him and never will be him, he does not exist in my conscience. But then what is the difference between drinking 4 or 5 beers a week and drinking nothing each week? I think all alcoholics have the answer to the question...or at least different variations of an answer.

I am increasing the mental distance between me and alcohol every day / week / month. As I said what dwells upon my mind a lot is the hurt I caused to my wife and son, the mental hurt, the embarrassment. And really understanding this pain I caused is a hard road to travel. I guess I should be on my knees thanking some higher power for all the strength that has been given to me.


But on the light hearted side...the tangible benefits I can see
Lost loads of weight.....everywhere.
Appearance is better
Not sweating so much.
Appetite.....different, and eating better.
Tea....drinking various types.
Looking after myself.....reading about minerals /vitamins etc.
Sleep....man o man. Have I slept. And when I sleep it is a deep sleep.
Money....yes my wallet is a bit heavier.
Making stupid purchases.
Thinking sharper.
Being at home.
Also I don't feel a fake, because I feel I am giving it my all.

Hopefully you won't consider my post to be too long winded.

shauninspain

What a brilliant post. Thank you very much! It really is as if the whole family heals when the addict stops. I am sure that the members of your family could add much to that list of positive things. My relationship with my daughters mother ended when my daughter was only 2 years old. So luckily she never saw me sprawled out on the floor etc etc.

Have a great weekend and enjoy your quality time with your family.

misspond

That was a very inspiring post Dejvice, thank you

Like2Hike

Thanks for sharing, Dejvice. Great post and very inspiring.

rhpudgey3

Your post is very inspiring to me, thank you. I am hopeful I can get where you are. Today is only the start of my third day, and I know I still have a long way to go.

Panache

Dejvice,

I really enjoyed your most, the part which I really identified with was:

I know too well that feeling, it's like alcohol personified me, it was my only personality trait, I could only be me when I'd drank - what a horrifying thought that is, but it was true.

Thank you for sharing.

artsoul

Thanks Dejvice and congrats on almost 7 months sober!