Hello I'm a newcomer in a very old issue
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 11
Hello I'm a newcomer in a very old issue
I was thinking today I am so worn out my whole life has been dealing with behavior where I have to bend all the time and change me. Grew up in alcoholic home was abused physically and verbally sexually, parents divorced I swore I wouldn't get married and then I did and then I swore I would never divorce.
So I haven't divorced, my alcholic spouse just left, 4 years ago now, for an alcoholic like him, I was in treatment for cancer when he started the affair.
There was a bit of time he said he left them we were living apart because of my appts and treatment. We moved and within 2 weeks he left me.
All this time I have tried to get him to come back, I did so many things. Mostly I feel I have gone insane or something, my days are kind of strange, I am stuck in the past way back when our kids were little, I think of that all the time.
Here I am, I am not really caring if this is even fixed anymore, my whole life has seemed kind of messed up, I am tried of trying.
So he left, he never filed he only took his toothbrush, and it is really hard here with everything we ever got over 3 decades, it is all here, with me, the museuam curator. My kids think I am more of a mess than him and he doesn't even talk to them.
I saw him a few weeks ago and I was shocked, he has gained a lot of weight and his gut is huge, just so huge, and now I am worried he is in later stages of alcoholism. He has drank heavily now, let me see, 39 years, ok, maybe the first 7 were not heavy, but the rest, I would say yes.
The sad thing is, he seems to have me in a box, like he thinks this is kind of fine he did this like it isn't a big deal, and I am half out of my mind from it. I actually used to have to count on my hands or paper and put what we did all these years to make it seems real that yes I was with him, that is how much this has torn me up.
I have been to therapy and they can't get through to me that this is good he left and all that. It does not seem that way to me, it seems like I lost my husband and I know he has issues, I really don't know what to do anymore. My family won't let him be brought up, everyone wants me to move on. I have been with him 34 years it is kind of hard to just move on.
And if he wanted to come home I am not sure I could handle it. He has been gone 4 years. I don't know how to get out of this, if I think of leaving for good to get myself in my head where I could, all I do is start crying. I feel like I am giving up on my entire life, I feel like I have to forget my entire life he is in it, all of it almost.
So I haven't divorced, my alcholic spouse just left, 4 years ago now, for an alcoholic like him, I was in treatment for cancer when he started the affair.
There was a bit of time he said he left them we were living apart because of my appts and treatment. We moved and within 2 weeks he left me.
All this time I have tried to get him to come back, I did so many things. Mostly I feel I have gone insane or something, my days are kind of strange, I am stuck in the past way back when our kids were little, I think of that all the time.
Here I am, I am not really caring if this is even fixed anymore, my whole life has seemed kind of messed up, I am tried of trying.
So he left, he never filed he only took his toothbrush, and it is really hard here with everything we ever got over 3 decades, it is all here, with me, the museuam curator. My kids think I am more of a mess than him and he doesn't even talk to them.
I saw him a few weeks ago and I was shocked, he has gained a lot of weight and his gut is huge, just so huge, and now I am worried he is in later stages of alcoholism. He has drank heavily now, let me see, 39 years, ok, maybe the first 7 were not heavy, but the rest, I would say yes.
The sad thing is, he seems to have me in a box, like he thinks this is kind of fine he did this like it isn't a big deal, and I am half out of my mind from it. I actually used to have to count on my hands or paper and put what we did all these years to make it seems real that yes I was with him, that is how much this has torn me up.
I have been to therapy and they can't get through to me that this is good he left and all that. It does not seem that way to me, it seems like I lost my husband and I know he has issues, I really don't know what to do anymore. My family won't let him be brought up, everyone wants me to move on. I have been with him 34 years it is kind of hard to just move on.
And if he wanted to come home I am not sure I could handle it. He has been gone 4 years. I don't know how to get out of this, if I think of leaving for good to get myself in my head where I could, all I do is start crying. I feel like I am giving up on my entire life, I feel like I have to forget my entire life he is in it, all of it almost.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
hi Debbie and welcome to SR. I'm sorry you're suffering so much. Has your therapist ever suggested Alanon to you? It might be good to learn how to love and care for yourself.
It sounds like you've been through so much. I hope you'll stick around. Do read through the stickies on the Family and Friends section. Lots of good reading and some great people.
Love from Lenina
It sounds like you've been through so much. I hope you'll stick around. Do read through the stickies on the Family and Friends section. Lots of good reading and some great people.
Love from Lenina
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Welcome, Debbiesday! I'm sorry that you've been through so much. I'm also divorced; no kids but it's still a blow. Maybe all you can do right now is work on you and be there for your kids. I'm not saying it's possible to turn off your feelings for him, and if you could maybe you still shouldn't, but you also can't lay down in the grave with him. If he wants to drink himself to death you won't be able to stop him. He has to decide to stop.
At any rate, we're here to listen and offer whatever support we can.
At any rate, we're here to listen and offer whatever support we can.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Welcome Debbie 
I know you'll find a lot of support and wisdom here - I hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums as well:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
I know you'll find a lot of support and wisdom here - I hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums as well:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Lenina 
hi Debbie and welcome to SR. I'm sorry you're suffering so much. Has your therapist ever suggested Alanon to you? It might be good to learn how to love and care for yourself.
It sounds like you've been through so much. I hope you'll stick around. Do read through the stickies on the Family and Friends section. Lots of good reading and some great people.
Love from Lenina
It sounds like you've been through so much. I hope you'll stick around. Do read through the stickies on the Family and Friends section. Lots of good reading and some great people.
Love from Lenina
Thank you, Debbie
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus
Welcome, Debbiesday! I'm sorry that you've been through so much. I'm also divorced; no kids but it's still a blow. Maybe all you can do right now is work on you and be there for your kids. I'm not saying it's possible to turn off your feelings for him, and if you could maybe you still shouldn't, but you also can't lay down in the grave with him. If he wants to drink himself to death you won't be able to stop him. He has to decide to stop.
At any rate, we're here to listen and offer whatever support we can.
At any rate, we're here to listen and offer whatever support we can.
Thank you
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by Dee74
Welcome Debbie
I know you'll find a lot of support and wisdom here - I hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums as well:
D
I know you'll find a lot of support and wisdom here - I hope you'll check out our Family and Friends forums as well:
D
Am sort of low tech..I had to remove your link in the reply until I have 12 more posts
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