Mama2Many

Hi there,
This is going to sound strange. I am not scared. But I am angry to have to be here. When I told my therapist that I would dump all of the alcohol I have at home out, it really made me mad and I blamed her. I am addicted to more things than I can shake a stick at. I am first off addicted to doing very negative things to getting attention-like lie, alcohol, Nicotene, people-codie(I see it is called), and some prescription drugs(now locked in a safe that I have no access to). I am extremely, at times, self-destructive. I have been known to cut myself, hit myself, scratch myself, pull my hair out, or dig my nails into myself. Yes, this is an addiction, too.
I am in therapy and have progressed considerably. I want HELP. Don't get me wrong. Apparently, my therapist is not a 24/7 clinic. Go figure. It would be really awesome if someone else could step in and do it for me. Here again, they can't so it is up to me. Darn it any way!
Really, I am here because I want to be here. I was angry. I did blame her. That only gave me greater proof that I do need to be here. So, here I am. I want to get sober. I want to get free. I want to be free. Free to be me.
Mama2Many

ForMy2Boys

One thing at a time. Addiction messes with your brain. you may see a lot of your anger or bad behaviors diminish significantly when you start regaining control over your life. You need to find a way to love yourself. If that means just getting sober now and quitting smoking later, then may be that is something to consider. Not sure what people-codie is (sorry not much help there)

Last time I tried quitting, I felt much better within a week. My thoughts were not so dark. After I relapsed, my depression came back, I became short tempered and aggressive. I am looking forward to having that calm feeling again.

I'm sorry that you are under a lot of stress. At least you don't have access to the prescription drugs anymore. You are moving in the right direction.
Stay Strong!!!

Mama2Many

Thanks ForMy2Boys. Codies is referring to co-dependencies on others to meet my needs. I agree with you that I need to take one step at a time. My tendency, it all or nothing. I really tend to be drawn to do everything all at once or not at all. Middle road is hard for me to find. I grew up with that motto. I grew up in crisis mode and apparently have carried that into adult hood. Thank you for your response. You are right. Alcoholism first. Rest later. Thank you

Lyoness

Welcome to SR Mama2Many! I can relate to a lot of what you shared. My addiction is opiates currently but was marijuana before that and almost an alcohol addiction before that. I also grew up in crisis mode, had to survive what no human, let alone a small child should have to survive. I am also a cutter/self-harm. And like you have tended to be all or nothing, have trouble with those gray areas.

And I agree that trying not to tackle all of it at once is vital! It's too much and it's too easy to get overwhelmed. And when we get overwhelmed it's so much harder not to use.

The hardest thing is the simplest, take it one baby step at a time. Focus on only one thing, one aspect at the moment. That starts to take off a lot of pressure. All of a sudden not everything is weighing on me at the moment. It takes practice but you can get there.

And you've picked a great place to come to for support and wisdom and advice. Take care.