An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 32
An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Well, i just wrote a long message and got kicked off before I could post.
I am 4 days sober from the duragesic patch. I have been shuffled from doctor to pain clinic and back again. I know that I am an addict, but I am terrified to admit it because i do have legitimate chronic pain and I am so, so scared of dealing with it straight.
It has been 3 years now, off and on - I went several months, but then found oxy in a relatives medicine cabinet. I don't even know what I feel anymore. I do feel very ANGRY with all of the doctors I have seen. they know full well what they are doing when they prescribe these medications, but when you ask for help, they just treat you like a junky. The PA I saw on Friday told me that it would be over in 48 hours - well I know that's a lie, having gone through this horrible withdrawal 4 or 5 times in the last year. I am 28 and have lost significant chunks of my life, strung out or high. The doctors won't help me, so I am hoping to find a kind supportive word here.
I know my story is not different from most - it's like getting caught in this horrble tidal wave, and you are so mixed upside down that you don't know what you are even doing. the duragesic patch was also giving me some hard core psychotic symptoms, hearing voices, feeling disconnected from reality, feeling as if I am literally in hell. I am so embarrased and ashamed that I am here, I have tried to "control" this for so long, telling myself it's just for pain. I don't want to be in pain, but I don't want to be on opiates - even though I have wished to stay on them for life more than once. I feel so sick, i am about to lose my job, and if I don't complete a heavy work load this week I know it's the ax. My husband hates me and has called me horrible things. I can't take care of my son. Will I ever come out to the other side. I don't even know what happiness is anymore between depression, self cutting, extreme pain - I NEED HELP. I have always been "perfect" in my family's eyes - they never knew about all of the acid and pot I did in high school and beyond, but none of that stuck - just the opiates. I have fooled myself that I have "handled" it all.
I guess I'll stop here. i don't know if anyone has the patience for another sob story, but I sure could use some help from someone who has been there - I feel very alone in this. Hated, rejected, and miserable and going through withdrawals.
help.
Phoenixfalling
I am 4 days sober from the duragesic patch. I have been shuffled from doctor to pain clinic and back again. I know that I am an addict, but I am terrified to admit it because i do have legitimate chronic pain and I am so, so scared of dealing with it straight.
It has been 3 years now, off and on - I went several months, but then found oxy in a relatives medicine cabinet. I don't even know what I feel anymore. I do feel very ANGRY with all of the doctors I have seen. they know full well what they are doing when they prescribe these medications, but when you ask for help, they just treat you like a junky. The PA I saw on Friday told me that it would be over in 48 hours - well I know that's a lie, having gone through this horrible withdrawal 4 or 5 times in the last year. I am 28 and have lost significant chunks of my life, strung out or high. The doctors won't help me, so I am hoping to find a kind supportive word here.
I know my story is not different from most - it's like getting caught in this horrble tidal wave, and you are so mixed upside down that you don't know what you are even doing. the duragesic patch was also giving me some hard core psychotic symptoms, hearing voices, feeling disconnected from reality, feeling as if I am literally in hell. I am so embarrased and ashamed that I am here, I have tried to "control" this for so long, telling myself it's just for pain. I don't want to be in pain, but I don't want to be on opiates - even though I have wished to stay on them for life more than once. I feel so sick, i am about to lose my job, and if I don't complete a heavy work load this week I know it's the ax. My husband hates me and has called me horrible things. I can't take care of my son. Will I ever come out to the other side. I don't even know what happiness is anymore between depression, self cutting, extreme pain - I NEED HELP. I have always been "perfect" in my family's eyes - they never knew about all of the acid and pot I did in high school and beyond, but none of that stuck - just the opiates. I have fooled myself that I have "handled" it all.
I guess I'll stop here. i don't know if anyone has the patience for another sob story, but I sure could use some help from someone who has been there - I feel very alone in this. Hated, rejected, and miserable and going through withdrawals.
help.
Phoenixfalling
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 32
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Sorry, i just realized after posting that I used "junky" in a derogative way. I don't mean it that way - I am just referring to the hateful way doctors ignore you when you ask for help.
Phoenixfalling
Phoenixfalling
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Hi Phoenix, I'm Dan, an addict. You will find love and support here. You got lots going on right now... I feel you being overwhelmed by it all. So grab that keyboard and chill for a bit. Opiates and opiate withdrawal are serious business. They gave some grief in my thirty years of active addiction, but nothing compared to other stuff. I cruised other peoples medicine cabinets as a matter of habit and curiosity more than anything else. If I found something, bonus! I also lost some dear friends to opiate addiction. I have a few friends here who are going to want to say hello. So be patient, others are going to come too. Welcome. You are loved here with no strings attached.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Somewhere Ca
Posts: 26
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Hi Pheonix
To me knowing you have a problem and doing nothing about it is a reason to be ashamed. But that apparently isn't you. You haven't made it yet but you aren't giving up and you want to be clean real bad. That in my estimation is a reason to be real proud.
To me knowing you have a problem and doing nothing about it is a reason to be ashamed. But that apparently isn't you. You haven't made it yet but you aren't giving up and you want to be clean real bad. That in my estimation is a reason to be real proud.
OH SH!T
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: RICHMOND,VIRGINIA-
Posts: 1,655
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
HI PHEONIX,WELCOME
GLAD YOUR HERE,YOU GOT ALOT ON YOU RIGHT NOW,BUT YOU CAN GET ALOT OF SUPPORT HERE.THE DR.THING WOW.STICK AROUND AND GET IT OUT.LOTS OF HELP IS ON THE WAY.STAY STRONG,YOU'LL BE IN MY PRAYERS.
GODSPEED TO YOU FRIEND.
ted
GLAD YOUR HERE,YOU GOT ALOT ON YOU RIGHT NOW,BUT YOU CAN GET ALOT OF SUPPORT HERE.THE DR.THING WOW.STICK AROUND AND GET IT OUT.LOTS OF HELP IS ON THE WAY.STAY STRONG,YOU'LL BE IN MY PRAYERS.
GODSPEED TO YOU FRIEND.
ted
It is what it is!!!
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Sobriety
Posts: 5,767
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
You did just admit it and you did just reach out for help. We are all here doing the same thing, trying to stay sober one day at a time.
All dr's are not like that, I have a great one, keep trying. You don't have to do this alone.
All dr's are not like that, I have a great one, keep trying. You don't have to do this alone.
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Phonix-My name is Trish and I am an addict my heart goes out to both as a person with chronic pain and someone who has been addicted to those patches.They became hell on earth for me.I spent a very long time being strung out and going thru withdrawals from them.It was horrible the sickness and the fear.I am here to tell you I kicked them for the last time six months ago so it can be done.The worst for me was over in about a week,the physical part.I turned to a support group (aa) and it helped me immensely with the mental part. My whole out look on life and pain has changed.It can be done.First I had to admit that the opiates had me down for keeps and no matter how many times I sought relief thru them alls I got was grief,sickness and untold misery.Sound familiar?I want you to know you are not alone or hated and as a fellow addict you are loved! It can be done.I am pullin for you! Keep posting..prayers to you 
There is a miracle for you!
There is a miracle for you!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Hi Phoenixrising,
I am sorry for your pain and situation and I'd like to welcome you to SR. I am an alcoholic, but it so relate to the shame you talked about. It is so horrible to find you have this disease of addiction and to look at the shambles your life has become. But, there is hope and you can fix this and have a much better life. Hang around here for support and understanding and inspiration.
Love, Anna
I am sorry for your pain and situation and I'd like to welcome you to SR. I am an alcoholic, but it so relate to the shame you talked about. It is so horrible to find you have this disease of addiction and to look at the shambles your life has become. But, there is hope and you can fix this and have a much better life. Hang around here for support and understanding and inspiration.
Love, Anna
Still hangin` on...
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: MA
Posts: 337
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Hi pheonix,
My name is Ann. I know all to well what you are going through. Although I had no physical pain i used pills for my mental pain! Pills made me feel better-better about myself--my life--my job--mykids Ect... I was an active user of opiots for 2 years.DAILY!!! As the addiction grew I needed more and more to get high--pretty soon I wasnt even taken them to get high--I NEEDED them just to survive!!!!
I could not even get out of bed w/o popping 4or5 vics or percs(whatever I could score) That truly was when I was at my lowest--cuz there was times where I coulnt find anything or had no money and let me tell you--It was not pretty! You didnt even want to be around me. That was if I could even move. Every bone in my body hurt--I was throwing-up ect... You know the drill.
Im even gonna tell you something that I never even told anybody. Those pain patches that you talk about--I used to open them up and eat the liquid out of them to get high. I still can believe hoe incredibly stupid I really was. maybe suicidal is a better term. I could have died doing that--but the addiction was all too powerful.
Getting off opiots is dangerouse. You cannot just do it. You need help. Even if you need to go to the er--go!!!! Then I know easier said then done--find yourself a good md and also a good councelor for the depression. That has to be delt with also. This isnt going to be easy--believe me. I dont want to scare you--I can only tell you from personal experiance. I did it--It sucked soooooooo bad--I would say after being on meds for about 2 or 3 weeks I started to feel better. Not 100% mind you but better....
This site was a great first step. Lots of support here!!! And ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO PM ME!!!I will always be there!!!!!
Sorry this is so long--your story hit close to home!!!
Hang in there-
Ann
My name is Ann. I know all to well what you are going through. Although I had no physical pain i used pills for my mental pain! Pills made me feel better-better about myself--my life--my job--mykids Ect... I was an active user of opiots for 2 years.DAILY!!! As the addiction grew I needed more and more to get high--pretty soon I wasnt even taken them to get high--I NEEDED them just to survive!!!!
I could not even get out of bed w/o popping 4or5 vics or percs(whatever I could score) That truly was when I was at my lowest--cuz there was times where I coulnt find anything or had no money and let me tell you--It was not pretty! You didnt even want to be around me. That was if I could even move. Every bone in my body hurt--I was throwing-up ect... You know the drill.
Im even gonna tell you something that I never even told anybody. Those pain patches that you talk about--I used to open them up and eat the liquid out of them to get high. I still can believe hoe incredibly stupid I really was. maybe suicidal is a better term. I could have died doing that--but the addiction was all too powerful.
Getting off opiots is dangerouse. You cannot just do it. You need help. Even if you need to go to the er--go!!!! Then I know easier said then done--find yourself a good md and also a good councelor for the depression. That has to be delt with also. This isnt going to be easy--believe me. I dont want to scare you--I can only tell you from personal experiance. I did it--It sucked soooooooo bad--I would say after being on meds for about 2 or 3 weeks I started to feel better. Not 100% mind you but better....
This site was a great first step. Lots of support here!!! And ALWAYS FEEL FREE TO PM ME!!!I will always be there!!!!!
Sorry this is so long--your story hit close to home!!!
Hang in there-
Ann
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: a spiritual vortex, Colorado
Posts: 844
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
phonix
mackat here- junkie and a drunk!! but with the help of a support group, [NA for me] i have some clean time. The doctor thing can be tough- but not all are like that- seen more than one MD/junkie at the meetings. And my own doc has good empathy for what i am- we talk and come to a consensus before i get any meds- a far cry from th old days when i would make sure i walked out with as many scrips as i could work those guys for!!
Trish is handing out some real good ESH-
you are not alone
mackat
"Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before."
mackat here- junkie and a drunk!! but with the help of a support group, [NA for me] i have some clean time. The doctor thing can be tough- but not all are like that- seen more than one MD/junkie at the meetings. And my own doc has good empathy for what i am- we talk and come to a consensus before i get any meds- a far cry from th old days when i would make sure i walked out with as many scrips as i could work those guys for!!
Trish is handing out some real good ESH-
you are not alone
mackat
"Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before."
Bird on the rise
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Walking with my Higher Power
Posts: 220
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Hey Phoenix,
I'm Marie and I'm an addict too, welcome. You've come to the right place for love and support. I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time right now. I can certainly relate to your experience with doctors! Not a fan of them myself. Sending you prayers, hang tight, I see the gang's already been here with good words and good vibes. Check out the boards there is alot of wisdom here. And as I have been reminded of so often thank goodness, the phoenix will rise again.
Love to you.
Novemberphoenix
I'm Marie and I'm an addict too, welcome. You've come to the right place for love and support. I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time right now. I can certainly relate to your experience with doctors! Not a fan of them myself. Sending you prayers, hang tight, I see the gang's already been here with good words and good vibes. Check out the boards there is alot of wisdom here. And as I have been reminded of so often thank goodness, the phoenix will rise again.
Love to you.
Novemberphoenix
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 32
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Thank you all so much. I never expected so many replies.
I feel like hell, to be honest. Today is day 5, I haven't slept all night. I pretty much haven't slept in 5 days. I am so shakey I can hardly type. My 5-year old son just broke a huge mirror on the carpet, and I can't even lift it. I'm scared to ask my husband for help, because I know that he was up all night drinking (I'm the one with all of the problems though, mind you - know what I mean?). I can smell the alcohol through the halls.
Ted - I just wanted to say that your quote about the effort it takes to be miserable or strong really hit home for me - it is now in bright red letters on my laptop.
I too slurped all of the liquid from those damn patches. Of course, i always cleaned out the one's that I had worn for 48 hours, but I also slurped down at least half of brand new patches quite frequently. The thing about it is, I didn't even feel better, I just got drowsy and fell asleep. It is actually a wonder that I am alive, because I have fallen asleep so, so many times while driving. I woke up once when I was about to run into an exit barrier off the freeway. Now that I think of that, it is amazing, maybe I'm not supposed to be dead after all!?
I guess that considering my high dosage and tolerance, getting to day 5 is an accomplishment - although right now it doesn't feel that way. I did go to the emergency room a couple of weeks ago, and they wouldn't do anything for me because of the agreement with the pain clinic. I was in the hospital for over a week (psych ward), a year ago this month. I had a miscarriage a year ago that exacerbated my physical pain and depression - it was too much. I got a lot more support and help from the other patients than from the docs and nurses then. I didn't want to go this time, because I just didn't want to leave my son. My son, the only reason I'm alive...
I have to write 3 lenthy documents for a department of energy nuclear weapons facility by Friday this week - how about that? I don't know how I'm going to pull that off, but I can't lose my job, I can't be dependent on my husband, because he has been so cruel to me for so long - I think often of leaving. It's a good job, but high stress, definately not the M.O. I'm into right now.
I do feel beter admitting to my addiction - even if it is only truly in cyber space. Maybe I'll become brave enough to admit it to the world sometime. I just feel so weak.
Thanks for listening.
Phoenix
I feel like hell, to be honest. Today is day 5, I haven't slept all night. I pretty much haven't slept in 5 days. I am so shakey I can hardly type. My 5-year old son just broke a huge mirror on the carpet, and I can't even lift it. I'm scared to ask my husband for help, because I know that he was up all night drinking (I'm the one with all of the problems though, mind you - know what I mean?). I can smell the alcohol through the halls.
Ted - I just wanted to say that your quote about the effort it takes to be miserable or strong really hit home for me - it is now in bright red letters on my laptop.
I too slurped all of the liquid from those damn patches. Of course, i always cleaned out the one's that I had worn for 48 hours, but I also slurped down at least half of brand new patches quite frequently. The thing about it is, I didn't even feel better, I just got drowsy and fell asleep. It is actually a wonder that I am alive, because I have fallen asleep so, so many times while driving. I woke up once when I was about to run into an exit barrier off the freeway. Now that I think of that, it is amazing, maybe I'm not supposed to be dead after all!?
I guess that considering my high dosage and tolerance, getting to day 5 is an accomplishment - although right now it doesn't feel that way. I did go to the emergency room a couple of weeks ago, and they wouldn't do anything for me because of the agreement with the pain clinic. I was in the hospital for over a week (psych ward), a year ago this month. I had a miscarriage a year ago that exacerbated my physical pain and depression - it was too much. I got a lot more support and help from the other patients than from the docs and nurses then. I didn't want to go this time, because I just didn't want to leave my son. My son, the only reason I'm alive...
I have to write 3 lenthy documents for a department of energy nuclear weapons facility by Friday this week - how about that? I don't know how I'm going to pull that off, but I can't lose my job, I can't be dependent on my husband, because he has been so cruel to me for so long - I think often of leaving. It's a good job, but high stress, definately not the M.O. I'm into right now.
I do feel beter admitting to my addiction - even if it is only truly in cyber space. Maybe I'll become brave enough to admit it to the world sometime. I just feel so weak.
Thanks for listening.
Phoenix
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Phoenix, you have five days, you have your son, and you have hope.
Man I feel for you. I still have contact with some of the patients I met in the psych ward. I suspect some of these people will be lifelong friends.
Your home environment sounds toxic in some respects. I hope you can manage this week and be productive. You need some peace of mind Phoenix. I pray you find some.
Man I feel for you. I still have contact with some of the patients I met in the psych ward. I suspect some of these people will be lifelong friends.
Your home environment sounds toxic in some respects. I hope you can manage this week and be productive. You need some peace of mind Phoenix. I pray you find some.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Portland, Oregon
Posts: 32
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
Thank you for the peace of mind hope. You are pretty amazing dangerous, you are a fountain of support all over the place. Thanks a lot for all of your efforts, from me and I'm sure many others.
In Memory Of
Join Date: Jan 2004
Location: Connecticut.
Posts: 3,736
Re: An expression of ANGER and a CRY for HELP
((phoenix)))-Boy can I identify! I am right there with you!Those patches are straight outta h*ll !! 5 days is great !I understand your not feelin so hot (understatement) if you hang on just one more day tommorow will be a little better..I am really pullin for you!!! Prayers- Trish.
Trish.
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