snowbunting

Hi all,

I'm new here. I just thought I'd introduce myself as I can see already that this site is going to be very helpful to me if I look at it enough.

I quit drinking five days ago. Drinking had become a massive problem in my life. I actually came on this forum briefly about this time last year, asking whether I should try to stay sober for the next five months up until my wedding (which was in August). I now see that that's the kind of question people only ask if they already know they have a problem. I drank all the way up to my wedding, and almost every day since (with a brief two-week spell of sobriety, which felt great while it lasted).

I won't give you all the sordid details, but I was / am a binge drinker. In the last three to four years, I have found it more or less impossible to just have one or two drinks. I cannot enjoy one drink unless I know I can get my hands on enough alcohol to last well into the night, whether I start drinking at 8pm or lunchtime. I have sneaked out of the house at 1am for more alcohol while my husband is asleep. Two years ago (but not since then), I was in the habit of staying out all night in random clubs and houseparties getting strangers to buy me drinks when I couldn't afford my own. For alcohol, I entered dangerous situations in unfamiliar places and it's only though sheer luck that nothing bad happened to me.

But I kept drinking. My anxiety got worse and worse, and I couldn't continue in the job I'd spent my whole life training for. I would have to drink a can of beer in the public toilets where I worked before I could teach a class. To give a conference paper, I would have a beer beforehand, and would take in a bottle of fruit juice laced with vodka to swig from during my presentation. I will never really know whether it was my personality or my alcohol problems that stopped me from pursuing my career, but everything associated with work came to be just one giant trigger for me. I doubt I could have stopped drinking will still trying to be a university lecturer, even if drinking was the reason I was failing at it.

Where we used to live, I was enabled by my environment. Our friends were big drinkers, our social lives and leisure activities revolved around sitting in some of the many beautiful old pubs our city had to offer (this was pretty much the only thing the place had going for it), and I knew all the late-night opening bars and clubs, I knew where I could go to get someone to buy me a drink if I'd run out of money, I knew where I could go to hang out with like-minded drunks, at any time of the day or night. I also hated living there, and felt trapped and hopeless.

Then we got some amazing news: my husband got a job in a part of the country we had always dreamed of living. I thought this was the green light to change my ways and finally be happy, and we moved this Christmas. But habits don't change just because the scenery does. Even though I had new restrictions to contend with in my new surroundings - stricter liscensing laws, shops that won't sell alcohol after 10pm, the fact that the pubs here are all horrible - I continued to drink. My excuse was that 'I don't have a job, my future is hopeless', or 'I'm tense and anxious and I need to relax', or 'my mother is being insane again'.

This experience made me realise that even if I get exactly what I want in my life from now on, my alcohol demon will always come up with some way to convince me to drink. The demon won't let a bit of good fortune and hope stand in the way of its fix.

The thing is, I already know I'm happier off the booze. I know from how I interact with my husband: I'm funnier, calmer, more curious about things, have more opinions, am more talkative, active and interesting. But when that urge comes along, with its good pals boredom and anxiety, I always, always cave in as if I have no choice. When the craving comes, it genuinely feels as if I have no choice: it feels like an unbearable weight of pressure on my psyche which is waiting to just be popped. A glass of wine will pop it, anything else will just make it worse. That would be alright if it *was* just 'a glass of wine'. But it never is: a glass of wine = a bottle of wine + panic when I start to run low + frantic planning about how and whether I can get more + endless cigarettes + an incapacitating, painful hangover the next day + ever mounting odds against my continuing physical health.

So I've quit. Of course, I've quit before. And apart from one two week stint in November, the longest I've ever managed is four days. From reading these forums, it seems that the four day mark is a problem for many people on here. I've now gone five days, but I can't take any credit for that as I have been ill and too sick to even be tempted. The real test starts when I'm feeling better and the cravings kick in. But it's good that my illness has given me this head start. My husband is being tremendously supportive: understandably, he likes me better when I'm sober.

Another enormous motivation, apart from the realisation of the hopelessness of my situation with alcohol and my desire for a clear head so I can start writing again, is that my husband and I want to start trying to conceive our first baby this summer. I have had a scare before where I though maybe I might be pregnant and knew I'd binged a lot in that time. It was a big relief when the test came back negative, but it did make me think: that could happen for real, and the consequences could be catastrophic. I'm beating alcohol before anything like that could ever happen.

Sorry for this mammoth post, I guess it just helped me to write about all the things that had been going wrong, so I could understand and confirm the reasons that brought me here. If you're still reading at this point,

Rennet

Welcome. The funny thing about these forums is I don't even just relate to a lot of what people write, as I'm reading I'm thinking this is me talking. This addiction is difficult but it is very predictable. I hope you find this to be as good of a resource as I have.

snowbunting

Thank you. And I know what you mean about the eeriness of reading someone else's words as if they're your own. I was reading the thread about hiding and secretly dumping old bottles last night and I thought: 'I did this all the time. These people are me'.

The predictability of it is so weird. I would really like to know if it's a genetic / chemical thing, a personality thing, or just circumstantial. Or all three. My husband likes drinking and occasionally will over-indulge, but he does not have an alcohol problem and I do. The clearest way this comes across is that he can take it or leave it to begin with, whereas I can't, and he can stop after one, whereas I can't. I just wish I knew WHY I can't.

Rennet

I think it's a combination of those things you mentioned and unique to each person. For me it is genetic (lots of family history), circumstantial (rite of passage from family and friends), and chemical (body metabolism and brain chemistry altered by prolonged abuse).

I don't mean to externalize the problem, I made all the decisions along the way, but I sort of see the story of how I got here.

Panache

Couldn't agree more with you there Rennet. At the end of the day it was my decision to pick up the drink, no one else's.

Dee74

Welcome back snowbunting - good to see you again

D

FMP1989

Congrats I know first hand how ****** things can get when that bottle gets a hold of you. Hopefully you won't go back, as I hope the same fate for me.

GreenBeans

I feel as if I wrote this myself.
Congratulations on five days!

CaiHong

Snowbunting,
Welcome to SR. Great post, related to the bit about the craving, well described

I am coming up to 2 years sober with the support of SR and the 12 step program. Today I am not a slave to those cravings and am more free than I have ever been in my whole life.

When I first joined SR and people would write about how much better their lives had become, how much happier they were I didnt really believe it could happen for me but it has.
You can change your life around but only once you have tackled the drinking. Make it your number one priority in life and I promise you it will be the most important life changing thing you have ever done.

When I became pregnant with my son, my body automatically rejected alcohol, cigarettes, even tea and coffee. But that being said I was what I know now as a dry drunk.

Keep reading and posting

All the very best

CaiHong

1shorty

thank you for your post it helps

snowbunting

Thanks for your support everybody, it really helps

Wow 2 years - that's amazing, well done. Tackling drinking is definitely my priority number one. What's different about this time, as opposed to a year ago when I came on here, is that I'm not quite as scared any more. I know myself how much better my personality can be when I'm not drinking, and how my face changes and I start to look young and capable instead of haggard and dull-eyed. That doesn't mean that it's not scary though - the thought of the next year without alcohol is really scary. But I'm also really excited, especially about the prospect of pregnancy. Two weeks before I quit drinking five days ago, I quit coffee. Just to see if I could really. Turns out I could! I think that gave me confidence. I've also quit smoking along with the drink. It's a lot to take on, and the tough times will come when the real cravings kick in. But for now I feel strong.

Thanks so much for your post. Can I ask - what's a dry drunk?

snowbunting

Oh, and I wanted to say that last night I had my first 'oh no I drank alcohol' dream. Does anyone else get these? In the dream, my husband was going away on business and I was angry at him for some reason. I drank a bottle of cider. As soon as I took the first sip (this is all in my dream) I knew I'd be going out for a couple of bottles of wine. And cigarettes. And all I could think was 'this is terrible, why are you doing this, I thought you had it, why can't you stop, and what happened to the baby plans?'

When I woke up the relief that none of that happened was undescribable. But it does worry me, as my husband *is* going away in April and in May. Whenever he's gone away in the past (usually for a job interview or a conference), I've always gone on a huge bender. Every time, as soon as he left I'd go straight to the shop, buy a huge volume of wine and beer, and drink it for the next three days stopping only to sleep. This has became an instinctive reaction to him being away. I guess I don't know how to be alone. I'm very worried about this happening again, but I'll have to wait to see how I deal with it when the time comes.

CaiHong

Hi Snowbunting,
I have had drinking dreams and was so glad on awakening that they were just dreams as I was early in sobriety so glad that I resisted the obsession the drink.

I think I picked up the term dry drunk in AA, it refers to someone who is not following the 12 step program and is struggling, unhappy.

I have had periods of sobriety when I was not drinking but could best be described as a dry drunk.

I would strongly suggest you find a program of support. I choose AA but there are other programs that you could look into.

I like myself better when I don't drink and I certainly look better.

I lived in Edinburgh for a few years and I still have memories of this very old tenement building where we lived and the alcoholic woman upstairs who eas equally beaten, the blood on the stairs. She had brain damage a wet brain I think it's known as and children who were let out of care to stay with her. This was over 30 years ago but I still see it as clearly as if it was yesterday.
I havea lot of gratitude that I am sober today. There is nothing that attracts me to drink anymore.
You may be scared of not drinking but IMO Snowbunting you should be scared of drinking.

This is serious business.

Take the very best of care.

CaiHong

Anna

Welcome back!

My husband travelling on business was a HUGE trigger for me, because as much as possible, I kept my drinking hidden. When he left, I was off to the store and so relieved that I could drink as much as I wanted. And, when I stopped drinking, that was the hardest time to get through. But, the good thing is, it gets easier each time you get through it. Know for sure that you can do this.

SoberD

I'm no expert at sobriety with roughly 50 days being my best run ever but I will say that after a couple weeks, I did get much easier. I was no longer counting days, which to me, felt really good (because "normal" people don't have to count days since their last drink). However, there is most certainly a paradox in maintaining sobriety in that once you do (for some period of time), you can feel like you no longer have a problem with alcohol, (which is right around the time that I started drinking again and all progress made collapsed into abysmal failure).

Nattythreads

Alright Snow

How's it going hen?

I went from a 24/7 habit to a binge habit. Not much to choose between them really except the self-loathing is maybe a bit greater for the latter because you have so many short periods of abstinence and good intentions before another massive bender jumps all over your face.

I'm left with a rather empty shell of a once-promising life - the usual litany of broken relationships, career, friendships et al that is the common bond we all seem to share on here.

But as each day passes now, I can wake up and look in the mirror without hating quite so much what stares back. I like that feeling a lot and you will too.

Stick around on here. It's an excellent bolt-hole if you're having a rough moment.

snowbunting

This I relate to a lot. Before when he's gone away, there's been this intense feeling of 'at last, I can drink however much I want with no-one to stop me'. I would even look forward to an up-coming trip of his, knowing I could binge, and I'd resent his presence leading up to the trip because my urge to binge was so strong. But at the same time, I really didn't want him to go and I felt guilty for looking forward to it. I guess part of it is that I didn't feel *safe* when he wasn't around to give me balance - didn't feel safe with myself. I can be so happy and relaxed around him (when sober), but when I'm alone the floodgates of my self-destruction burst wide open. When that happens, all I want to do is drink myself to oblivion.

That feeling will probably still be there by the time he has his trips, so already I'm coming up with plans for what to do. Something I thought of is to spent the day or two window-shopping for baby stuff. It's a bit silly, but I know I'd enjoy it (in a silly way!), I've never done it before, and it would be a constant reminder of some of the reasons WHY I don't want to drink, and what I'd be losing if I did. And I'll probably be on this site a lot too.

snowbunting

Thanks Natty. Yes, the binge-drinker's cycle makes for a lot of self-loathing all right. Two days of the week I'd be off alcohol, recovering from a massive bender and swearing I'd never do it again. Day 3, I'd do it again. And so on. I've lost friends and a career too. But I try not to feel too bad about that, because the career wasn't making me happy and was partly why I drank so much in the first place, so in a way I had a lucky escape. If I was still doing my old job, there's no way I'd be sober right now.

Thanks for the encouragement I'm doing a lot better than I've ever done before, I really feel this is it this time. All I have to do is concentrate on my triggers and how to divert them. My will is strong.