LittleTPot

I’ve been trying to decide all day where to start and which forum to start in, and finally I decided to just get it all out here. I’m pretty sure my husband is an alcoholic. We’ve been together for nearly 15 years, and his drinking has wreaked havoc on our lives. He a wonderful man, a great friend and a fabulous father, but he’s a disaster when he’s drinking. He got a DUI about six years ago and managed to drink in moderation for a while. He also learned to always take a cab rather than drive when he’s drinking. The issue is that he’s now pass-out drunk five or six night a week. He'll go a few days without drinking and then the drinking gets bad again. He’s highly functional in terms of his job. He’s well respected at his company and just got a promotion. One of the issues is that his job involves constant entertaining which means constant drinking. He knows that it’s an issue and he apologizes and makes promises after every “incident.” Last week he was on a real bender with drinking every night and developed horrible chest/abdominal pain that wouldn't go away. He went to the doctor this morning and FINALLY admitted that he had a drinking problem and needs help. I’m so proud of him but I’m also terrified about the journey we’re about to take.

Here’s the other issue—I’m a problem drinker. I was in AA when I met my husband 15 years ago but went back to drinking with him. I have a young child and a good job and manage to keep my drinking to just a night or two the week. The problem is that I’m a total binge drinker and will drink until I black out. I can moderate most of the time, but every few weeks I have a bad round of drinking.

I know we both have to quit, but I’m so scared. Everything in our lives revolves around drinking. I’m afraid that it will affect my husband’s position at work, since so much of his job revolves around drinking and entertaining. (The man is practically a legend for his drinking, sadly.) I’m also terrified about what this will do to our social life. We live on a really social block where everyone gets together on the weekend to hang out and drink. We entertain constantly, and I can’t imagine having friends over and not offering them wine. Who am I if I’m not the crazy party woman who loves wine? I know these things are completely inconsequential compared to the way that I KNOW alcohol will destroy our beautiful life. However, alcohol has been my constant companion and I can’t imagine life without it.

Thanks for letting me share. I know that we both have to walk away from alcohol forever, but it’s a very scary first step.

TryingHarder

Welcome TPot. Glad you're here. I'm only 11 days sober but I want to tell you this place helps me so much. Some more folks will be round to welcome you as well.

All the best as you and your husband begin this journey together.

T4texas

Thanks for posting. As you get further from alcohol you will find that the things that you are stressing will cease to matter. I was sober for 5 years and during that time I became the life of the party with the added bonus of nobody being pissed at me for doing something stupid drunk. You can still be social and fun sober. While it might be good for awhile to avoid situations that make it harder for you to stay sober that doesn't mean it is forever. Just stay within your comfort level. As for your husbands job all he has to do is grab a soft drink instead and if anyone asks why he is not drinking he should say that he is driving tonight or any other excuse. You will find that it isn't a big deal to most people if you are drinking or not and the ones that do care don't matter. I wish ou luck and please keep posting here for support as needed.

DryRoastJim

Hello and Welcome! You have found a great (and potentially life saving) resource here! Use it to it's fullest!!

Your story interests me as I have been sober for 8 days and am wondering how to deal with "alcohol situations."

The reality of your message is, you are right, you both have to walk away from alcohol.

There is a lot in your message, so maybe step back and break it down a bit.

The first priority is to quit drinking, no question about that.
For your husband, he is in a precarious situation, but I am willing to bet that if he quits drinking, he will be able to do EVEN MORE with his job. It sounds like to me he's incredibly bright. Well even though its only been 8 days, my creativity has taken major steps forward and the ability to think clearer is unquestionably better!!

For you, I think you have a great chance of quitting as you already have the ability to abstain until party time. You already have a foundation of some sobriety!!

The next thing to figure out is the "fall out" if you will of not drinking. I'm willing to bet that many of the people you socialize with have the very same thoughts you do - quitting drinking. But they could be surrounded with the issues of "keeping up appearances" and continue to drink.

The main thing for now is to quit drinking! Once you both have some sober time the answers may not be obvious, but you will both be able to take these challenges on with much clearer heads!!

And just think of the money you'll save!!

LittleTPot

Thanks for your kind words. I appreciate it. My husband and I had a good talk last night and made a commitment to stop drinking. His doctor gave him a referral for a counselor that specializes in anxiety (which he suffers from) and addiction. We have a trip planned to New Orleans in May, and we're going to switch it to somewhere that isn't so closely associated with alcohol.

Again, thanks for the words of welcome.

Murdock80

I’m glad that the two of you talked it through! I had a conversation with my wife last night and I mentioned how scary this is because everything revolves around drinking. She came back with an amazing quote saying, “This family does not revolve around drinking.” So there it is. We made a pledge to just stick together as a family until I’m comfortable enough to look to build a new social environment. It may take years and a lot of my drinking friends will probably be upset but I need to make sacrifices to get this thing figured out.

As far as the job, that’s a tough one. If he is in charge of actually planning the entertainment is there any way he could plan events at non-drinking establishments? Maybe instead of having meetings over dinner, try lunch. Just tossing ideas out there.

Good luck with everything!

LittleTPot

Thanks, Murdock. I love the quote, "This family does not revolve around drinking." I'm going to hold onto that comment, as it's certainly true.

My husband had a work dinner last night and just had Diet Coke. He said that no one said a word. He also mentioned that the drink service was really slow and that in the past he'd be completely anxious and fidgety wanting his next drink. He said it was a nice feeling to not feel that pressure and not worry that he was over-drinking in front of a customer. We have a very long way to go, but it was a good first step.

ForMy2Boys

Good luck to you both. It's wonderful that he was able to resist when put in this familiar situation. As for the social gatherings, if you are afraid you are not ready to be around alcohol, excuse yourselves for the time being until you are more confident in yourself. Have fun on your trip

Anna

It sounds like you both have some tough choices to make.

The good thing is your husband didn't drink at a work meeting last night and no one mentioned it. I totally believe that. I don't think other people, especially in a work situation, sit and analyze what each other person is drinking. I really don't.

And, I agree with the comment 'This family does not revolve around alcohol'. You said that you have a young child. When I had young children, my life revolved around them. I was constantly looking for fun things to do on weekends, as a family, to enjoy spending time together. I have young grandchildren now and they've just begun taking swimming lessons, learning to ice-skate, visiting the zoo and science centre, things like that. You can make the choice to not have everything you and your family do revolving around alcohol.