malonejen

Today, March 19, 2013, is a new beginning for me. I am giving up alcohol. It is not going to be easy, because in the past two years a glass of Pinot Grigio has become my go-to stress reliever. Unfortunately it steadily grew to be a half bottle or more.

I was not a drinker for most of my life. Weddings, holidays, the occasional party. Two glasses of wine or one margarita twice a year and I was practically under the table. I knew my limits. I was an athlete, and I didn't believe in alcohol. I was also the child of an alcoholic, and had had a difficult childhood dealing with my parent's addiction. He has been 25 years sober, but was an alcoholic for all of my childhood. I never did drugs in college (no one believes me!) and just had no desire to drink.

In my 40s I got divorced and became involved in a new relationship. He is a social drinker, and through our dating he "re-introduced" me to alcohol. Juggling a difficult job, kids, divorce and graduate school, I was stressed out and a glass of wine at night started to feel good. It also calmed my nerves in tough situations, such as being around new adult stepchildren predisposed to not like me. (My divorce was amicable, but his was not, and it has never been easy to be around his ex wife and adult kids.) It slowly became standard for me to fortify myself with a glass of wine or two before having to face his relatives and their former "couple friends." I have never been in the position of being the younger "other woman" -- I was a good Catholic girl who was married for a long time, and I never envisioned that I'd have to deal with people who were determined to not like me before they'd even met me. No matter how unhappy that marriage had been or how long they'd been apart, my very existence seems to be an affront.

In order to deal with my feelings about all these new challenges--which also included helping my children adjust to life after the divorce, and my own anxiety over whether I had made the right decision to leave my marriage--I began looking forward to a glass of wine on a weeknight, not just on the weekends when we might be "out." Because he can drink occasionally and then go a week or two without it, it doesn't affect him as much. We are both athletic and work out and are otherwise healthy, but I began drinking on the sly. I would stop at the liquor store after work and grab a bottle of wine, take secret sips while cooking dinner, and then have another glass or two afterwards--on a WEEKNIGHT. Completely unlike me.

I blame myself if my kids (they are now teens) are upset over something, because I am the one who broke up the family. I blame myself for feeling so nervous around his friends and relatives that I have to drink. I blame myself for leaving my husband and losing my "place" in the Catholic Church. I begin to doubt all my decisions and wine is the only way I can feel better.

In the past four days, I have consumed nearly three bottles of white wine. I drink three-quarters of a bottle and then throw the rest away, so that I don't finish it. I then hide the bottle somewhere in the house until the coast is clear to throw it away outside. Last night I suddenly had a revelation--that I would not be able to effect positive change in my life and feel more confident if I continued to rely on the crutch of wine.

So... Day One of no wine is now over. I am here to give and receive support, because I know there are days when my resolve will weaken, and I will "need" wine to bolster my confidence and help me face difficult situations. I know others face that, too. I will be in social situations in which everyone else is drinking. I will have to be strong and let my partner know that I am no longer his drinking buddy when he wants to relax on a Friday night. I want to feel I can be liked and make new friends without the boost of confidence that glass or two of wine can give. I am here because I recognize that I need help.

Dee74

welcome to SR malonejen

I think a lot of us turned to drinking to try and cope with unreasonable demands put on us - whether they were from others or ourselves.

There is a better healthier way to live, and to be - I'm glad you've joined us!

D

Richierich777

Well I did the same with beer. Some then it was more. Well no more for me. I don't get into those situations anymore and I feel it gets better in time. I use a calendar and I have goals. I read more and keep myself busy by helping out more with my family. You can do it.

anima

You story sounds a lot like mine. My couple of glasses a red wine a night turned into a bottle over the years. When it got to the point when I could drink a whole bottle of wine and barely have a buzz I knew it was time to quit. Thanks for sharing. I'm 8 days sober today. We're all in this together!

soopy99

Welcome. Throwing booze away so that I couldn't finish a bottle was one of my tactics as well. Took me a long time to realize that a normal drinker wouldn't need to do that kind of thing.

friskme

Thank you Malonejen for sharing. So much of your story sounds like mine. In the end my lil helper ended up giving me more sleepless nights and sometimes remember-less nights Good to see you here! There are many supportive people here and if you visit often...you will find a spot where you fit in and feel comfortable

SnwFlower

Welcome malonejen and congrats on your decision. I recently quit drinking a bottle of wine per night just 50 days ago and am so glad to be moving forward in a much healthier direction. Without the alcohol vice, my future is bright and promising. This is a great place to come for support and to share your journey. Good luck and congrats!

AcceptingChange

Wow MJ, you've really thought your situation through. You've certainly identified the key stressors that affect you. And you've identified the actions you're taking when you're stressed. And you've identified that you want to break this cycle. great job!

I can relate to what you're saying. I blame myself a lot for many, many things. And i'm just starting to figure out how to deal with that without drinking, even though i haven't been drinking for 4 years.

I was at a family party last sunday, and some people were drinking. And i was trying to get along, but i was feeling ignored. And i just hung in there, and looked at the people talking while i felt the awful anxiety in my stomach, the mini panic attack feeling. I knew a drink or two wouldn't remove the anxiety, and if i did drink, my anxiety would be three times worse the next day.
Anyway, at the end of the party, i figured out that i actually was being ignored. The distant relatives (my sister-in-law and her brother) actually have a way of dominating conversations, of putting strange twists on some people's input into the conversation (like mine), and sometimes ignoring my verbal attempts to join the conversation (not everytime, about 50% of the time). I figured out that some people in my family parties are always trying to prove how smart they are to everyone else.

I then figured out that i used to flee the feeling created in those situations by covering it up with drinks, trying to use the drink to make me more fun, more interesting, more different, more pleasing to them. And now i'm pretty disgusted with my old behavior, with my spineless need to be liked and accepted by them. Now i think "Why do i need to be liked so much?" And i think "Anyway, no matter what my need is, the more I try to change my behavior to get them to like me, the more they see my attempts, and the more they keep not liking me, because they're having fun watching my pathetic attempts at being likeable."

So, i had all the same feelings you had. And i tried to use alcohol the way you did. And i realized it was just keeping me weak and spineless and a needy-soul, someone who needs to be liked by everyone.
The first part came to me about an hour after they left, and then it kept coming back to me around the other parts.

I've discovered deeply within myself, that i was using alcohol to both cover my anxiety, and then to loosen me up in an attempt to please others, and somehow make me talkative and "interesting" to others. But i was probably just yappy & boring.

Easter's coming next sunday, and i've got pretty much the same party at a different house. I've already decided i'm going to be pretty quiet and park myself in front of the group TV. Then maybe i'll go for a walk. I've been trying for years, both tipsy and completely sober, to get these people to behave in a way that i feel shows they "like" me. But i don't think they have that capacity. And your in-laws may not have the capacity to show you the respect you deserve in the way you'd like. But alcohol in those situations is the wrong solution. It will keep you from achieving peak mental & emotional performance, just like big macs are the wrong solution for the mid-workout nutrition break.

BEAUTIFULIFE

~ Welcome....xo
I just decided to give up my Pinot Grigio also. I was sober 12 years after my last child was born. After my divorce I started dating. Bam, thought I could do it again.
At first it was moderate then in stressful time while bringing a new man into my home..it got up to almost two bottles ...then I backed off a little ..then back to half a bottle...and now up to a bottle in a few hours.

I can relate to your story. I have carried guilt for being the one that left...he now has a new wife..(younger) and she has been in your shoes many times, Im sure.

regardless...Ive put down the bottle since last Saturday.

blessings and much love to you xo

misspond

Congrats on giving up malonejen (and others who have commented here). I too have given up my wine, and have so far been able to understand that it is actually poison, that it offers me no benefits whatsoever and that my life, our lives - me and my children - will be better without it.

daisy1

Your story is similar to mine, only I didn't recognise it as soon as you did, and my drinking escalated and I lost husband number two and the step family. The more I drank the more angry I got with him and his family. I blamed him and told him I should have stayed with my kids's dad (I too am a good catholic girl, my parents still won't forgive me leaving my husband).
I actually emailed him and explained it was my drinking that split us up, not him and not his children, whom I blamed also :-(. He wants me back but I think I would hit the bottle again if I had that life again - it's so tough being the new partner.

So well done - I hope your relationship succeeds, it stands the best chance if you have a clear mind :-) xxx