GAPEACH34

Hi all! I've been married to my husband for 7 years. We have two small children. He has been sober for 2 years. He is a recovering alcoholic. We have a very social life. We go to charity events, host parties, date night w/friends, belong to a country club, etc. Last night he said "if I wanted to support him, I would stop drinking...completely". He says "it doesn't bother him being around people that drink, but it bothers him when I drink". All of our friends are social drinkers, as I am too. I love to have a drink, but only in social settings. And sometimes I drink a little too much...like 3 glasses of wine..that's a lot for me (weight,100 lbs). But, I enjoy it on special occasions. I don't know what to do. He signed me up for a 3 hour seminar on "Understanding Addiction", but it is not until May. Do I really need to stop drinking?? I am lost.

Nattythreads

That's pretty controlling of him, tbh. Sure it might make him uncomfortable but you have a right to choose your own path. He's the one with the problem, not you I presume.

LexieCat

Do you have the RIGHT to drink? Sure. I think what he is saying, though, is that it bothers him, and is a turnoff.

I am in recovery now for my own alcoholism, but when my first husband was in early recovery, I avoided drinking around him. Later on it didn't bother him so much.

Up to you--it's your marriage. Personally, I think it's a small thing to do for someone who has worked very hard for his two years of sobriety. If you aren't an alcoholic yourself, it shouldn't be that big a deal.

Pondlady

Welcome! I stopped drinking ( wine) last June and asked my husband to stop drinking until I was over the hump. I was very touched he was willing. Nine months later, neither of us drink. Maybe have a discussion with your husband about why this is important to him?

Dee74

Hi GAPEACH

It's not really clear to me whether he wants you to stop drinking for his sake - or for yours.

what do you think?

D

LadyinBC

Even though I believe that the not drinking is our issue, it takes a lot of hard work to quit. And sometimes it means asking people not to drink around us, especially at the beginning.

There is nothing worse than trying to quit and watching someone else drink. I've been to some meetings where soemone is trying to quit and their spouse is pushing them to quit, however, they drink in front of them or come home drunk. Sorry, but I just think that is being unsupportive. In time it does get easier, I know it did for me.

At the end people have to do what is right for them.

GAPEACH34

For his sake. I've seen an addiction specialist...I do not have an addiction to alcohol. He wants me to stop to support him. Five minutes ago he was getting ready to leave for work and brought up how his best friends wife stopped drinking for his best friend..

Dee74

Then I guess it's time for some communication, GAPEACH.
I hope you can work out some kind of outcome suitable to you both

D

LexieCat

Um, let me get this straight. You SAW an addiction specialist (and were declared "not addicted to alcohol")--which suggests that there was something that had SOMEBODY concerned about your drinking. The request from your husband that you not drink elicits from you, "I am lost," (along with a smiley gushing tears).

Just a casual observation from a sober alcoholic, methinks you have a wee bit of an alcohol issue of your own. Quitting drinking would probably be very beneficial to you, as well as to your marriage.

Think about it. Non-alcoholics generally don't have that kind of reaction to the request that they not drink to support a spouse who is finally blessedly sober.

GAPEACH34

I've been going to meetings to see his addiction specialist w/him. She's trying to save our marriage. Thanks for your opinions.

fantail

It doesn't bother me that he'd prefer if you not drink. It bothers me how he put it to you (signing you up for things, pulling the "if you really loved me, you'd...")

Does he exhibit other controlling behavior? Because it sounds like he's on that line if not over it. What you're describing sounds manipulative and aggressive.

I ask because I've been there and my warning bells are going off about this.

flujays

I agree with LexieCat, you seem quite upset about the thought of not drinking. I know the thought terrifies me... but then... i'm an alcoholic. Although that doesn't mean you are an alcoholic, it is an unusual reaction from a mere social drinker asked to support her sober alcoholic husband. Ask yourself this, how difficult would it be for you to give up drinking altogether? Why don't you try it and see? If you can do it, great - you and your marriage will benefit greatly. If you can't you'll be ahead of the game in terms of getting help sooner. I wish you good luck, let us know how it goes.

fantail

You don't have to be addicted to something to resent your partner demanding that you give up something that you enjoy. I believe OP that she doesn't have a drinking problem. It doesn't sound like this is a temporary support that he's requesting from her in an even handed way. It sounds like a demand that he's making, with a veiled threat involved, and one that is indeed a sacrifice.

It's not true that only alcoholics miss drinking when they give it up. It's fun and it's social. Many of my friends (who are not problem drinkers) have done dry months and I've seen that it was hard for them.

0percentABV

Some people can get evangelical with their sobriety. I would compromise with him and not drink in his presence. If you can get through it without urges it should clear things up for everyone. Should...

avocado

I don't think he's being fair to you.

GAPEACH34

Last year my hub and I went on an all inclusive trip to Mexico and I did not drink (even though it is included). Last week I had a girls night party (40+ girls), at my home (hubby out of home). The same night, after the girls left, I poured out all of the open bottles of wine, a very large pitcher of sangria and washed all 40+ glasses out...all so it would not trigger my husband when he returned home. I am all about supporting him. I just enjoy a glass of wine..or two every now and then. If giving up alcohol is what I need to do to save my marriage then I will give it up. No problem. I just need to know that this is normal...hear other spouses that have done the same...a success story..something.

HitRockBottom70

It sounds like you are supporting him. I asked my partner to keep alcohol out of the house and to not drink at home. It really helped me stay sober. When we go out, he drinks sometimes. Early on, he would ask if I was ok if he drank. I have decided that I am the one with the problem... Not him. He can have a couple of glasses and stop. I have no brakes.

We are having some relationship issues too, and it would be very easy to place the blame on my partner. That would not be fair. I feel like I got sober and everything changed. Sometimes we try to look for an easy fix or a scapegoat instead of the real problems. I am hopeful that this journey leads us all to a happy healthy future.

MemphisBlues

Why is it an issue for you to not drink around your recovering husband? My partner might have a glass of wine every other month. When she gets with friends alcohol is never the predominant social lubricant. Food and conversation is.

My partner is 4 foot 10 inches tall and weights 90 pounds. If she drank three glasses of wine she would puke and pass out.

Stash

my bf of 7 years askd me to stop. i lasted for only a month. im an alcoholic. it was hard for me to stop. hes been sober 17 months now and ive been sober for 4. i know its seems like a big step but now i see where he was coming from when he asked me to stop.our relationship suffered bc i wanted to keep drinking. now both of us are sober and we enjoy each others company completely. he doesnt feel lonely anymore in hes sobriety. theres no more resentment now just love and support.
the choice is up to you . im just sharing my story.

flujays

Hi Gapeach, I think I misunderstood you from your first post, I apologise. It seems to me that you do not have a problem with alcohol other than the place it has in your marriage through your husband's addiction. I really think that you should just give up alcohol while in your husband's presence. He probably feels very isolated and having you on board with him when in public may make him feel more supported. This is truly an extremely difficult condition to manage, especially in the early days. Perhaps with some years of sobriety under his belt, he may not need you to abstain while in his presence, but let him get some time behind him first. But when we really get down to the crux of it, what are we talking about here? It's his life, a matter of life and death, this disease will kill him if allowed to progress. It must be stopped at whatever cost. If that means you not drinking in his presence to help him stay the course and stay alive, it doesn't seem too much to ask. It's his life, your marriage and everything in between. So why not just have a few when you're out with your girlfriends, but not in front of him. I wish you the best.