courage2

After a bit more than 3 months without a drink, I'm feeling reflective, wondering to myself, how are things different now than they were before?

When I was drinking, especially for the last year, I was obsessed with thoughts of death. I sometimes literally hurt myself to remind myself that I was alive and could register pain. There seemed no purpose or meaning to my existence, and I took no pleasure in anything. I drank not to achieve drunkenness but to blot out pain and anxiety. I don’t think it was possible any more for me to get drunk, although I could achieve blackout. I wanted neither to live nor to kill myself – I only wanted my life to go away. I had no appreciation for the good qualities in my life, and at best went through the motions of living. I was betraying my husband daily, lying to my colleagues, and ruining my career. I had no friends and no relationship with my family other than a routine weekly phone call to my mother. I also woke up with dry heaves every day, and could barely digest food. The best way I can describe myself at that point is “undead” – a zombie.

Now I'd describe myself as a rather inexperienced member of the human race. I’m still shaky. Formerly a person who was so independent that people were afraid to offer me help, or even ask me if I needed help, I now often check simple decisions with my colleagues, husband, and people on SR or in AA. I’m more observant and pay more attention to other people, too. I think that’s both because I’m literally sober enough to see straight, and because I’m interested now in learning how other people cope with the world. Having been humbled, I can admit how little I know.

Sometimes I feel quite confused by the experience. When I drank, I knew what to expect – I started my day by drinking, and once I was drunk, I could write off responsibility for my own actions. Now I meet the day on my own and with the help of other people, and I often don’t know what will result. Someone told me that when he was drinking, he wasn’t managing his life, he was managing his alcoholism. I guess I’ve gone from being a highly experienced manager of my own alcoholism, to being a novice manager of my own life.

It’s all a bit bewildering, but life is definitely better than it was! How have things changed for you?

Anna

Yes, absolutely, it's a whole new experience in learning to deal with life on its own terms.

One thing I know for sure is that recovery is an ongoing and lifelong journey and I say that with joy.

Marcher13

It's very early days for me but I would say everything is sharper and clearer. The air, the sunlight, how I perceive other people, my comprehension of a book I'm reading, a television show I'm watching, everything.

I understand those people whose response to how are you? is very well because that's how I am too.

deeker

Last drink was Feb 2, 2012, however abused alcohol free cough medicine one night in Dec.
But overall my life is so completely different. Never think about alcohol, love waking up today. I smile when I see the sun now. I got my license back, I got a job after 7 years, I have friends in NA/AA. I do fun stuff sober. I go to church. I sleep like a baby. I wake up rested and without shame and guilt. I can look anyone straight in the eyes for a long time cuz I have nothing to hide. I lost every thing I own to my addictions and I found myself and I have never been happier in my life. There is hope !

ClearLight

Still VERY early for me - but I am happy now.

silentrun

Zombie would be a good word to describe my last year as well. All my free time revolved around drinking. I can't say why I did it. I knew how it was going to go once I started, yet I mindlessly did it. If my daughter wanted a ride home from a friends house I had to either get my husband to do it or let her sleep over because I knew I would be too drunk to drive. It didn't even occure to me not to drink so I could go get her. Now I can get in my car and drive anywhere I want at anytime. It is almost like getting my liscence all over again. Awesome on 3 months, I have 5 weeks in and still riding out some brain fog.

Drknz

Hey Guys, first post

I often feel how the first user posted when experiencing withdrawal. That life is worthless, senses seem limited, life feel dulled out and almost like i've been desensitised to the world in the sense I can't smell, or concentrate or even feel joy as naturally as I could when I was younger..

Is it true this heals in time? I'm on day 3 of sobriety now and its pretty hard. Can't sleep, feeling anxious and mildly depressed etc. Hopefully my brain heals and one day I can live life how I remember it was as a child full of wonder, excitement and curiosity.

deeker

Yep and u will again , but it does require a bit of effort. Stay close to this forum and or AA or another recovery route. Today i laugh again. How cool is that!

forabetterlife

Thank you for this thread as I need to remind myself tonight of the good that has come from not drinking. Like Marcher, things are much more clear. I have developed some confidence, I feel strong, and healthier. I sleep like a baby and wake up grateful to not have a hangover, and I feel ready for the day. I am more in touch with myself. I have a sense of peace and calmness. Life is better, plain and simple.

least

to SR! You'll find lots of support here.

Yes, it heals with time. The first few weeks can be tough but stay sober and it will get better.

BEAUTIFULIFE

~ Well...its still early, but I was sober for 12 years before...went back out for this recent 5. I am a little angry now...and not sure I even want to be in a relationship anymore. Hes a good guy but i drank with him since we met and not sure i can disconnect from that.

i usually drink 2 times a week....now. havent drank since Sat. I felt strong waking up these past few days.

bigsombrero

Thanks for the post. I see you are like me in that you are interested in pondering this new life. The last 8 months have been full of sober ups and downs. I find myself often fixated on dissecting my recovery, especially when I really notice stark changes.

I remember when I went to Paris the first time, I came out of the subway right beneath an old cathedral and was just awestruck and breathless. I often feel that way now when I experience something sober for the first time. Remember, there are lots of pathways in the brain that are finally getting some use thanks to kicking the bottle.

And my biggest change is that I'm taking on challenges. I feel like I'm being asked to solve a puzzle each day. In the beginning it was tricky but now I'm getting good at it, and enjoying it. Definitely a challenge but the rewards are really good for my soul.

bemyself

Thanks for the topic. I think I need to post almost as a reminder to myself: 'keep up with the serenity moments each and every day; lay aside useless obsessions when you notice you're getting caught up in them!'

e.g. earlier today, after taking my dog out to a beautiful park, and taking shots of the landscape with my new-ish camera - hardly used since I bought it months ago, because I was back in drinking again: once home again, I unaccountably started searching online for cute little houses to buy / rent - like, in England FFS! A place I'd love to visit again, but have no hope of ever getting a resident's visa for. I did something similar a few months before this, when relapsing, but it was instead pouring over pictures and prices of houses in East Coast USA!

Point is: for numerous practical and financial reasons, both these little dreams are just that: 'dreams'. Fantasies. They prevent me from just Being Here Now. And when I get outside of Now and Here, I become dissatisfied, malcontent, yearning, grasping, irritable, antsy...etc! Before very long, I can be into full on depression / 'woe is me' / 'I hate my life' mode..........and that way lies, lurking like a hidden parasite: a drink.

Well, EFF that for a joke!

So, yeh, as others have said, what's changed is that I CAN (have the capacity, if I only will use it, now sober) to simply see and feel and notice and take in, fully, all that's around me and all that's within me. And then make a choice about what's skilful to further explore, and what needs to be jettisoned, quick smart.

Richierich777

Not being to religious but I don't think god wanted me to treat others like crap and be drunk. I think he wants me to always be sober, do my best, and love one another. I'm new here and happy I found this site.

Tamerua

I'm happy. Genuinely happy. I was so miserable and self loathing before, judgemental of others... And all the anger is gone.

Eddiebuckle

Personally, all I wanted was to stop drinking. I wan't interested in recovery or hanging around chruch basements drinking bad coffee listening to people whine about the state of their lives. When I returned home after six weeks in rehab what I got was a shock... nothing had really changed. All of my fears and insecurities were there, but now everyone who mattered to me knew that I had a problem with alcohol. So lacking any better ideas, I went to those church halls and listened. Found someone who I admired, and he became my sponsor.

With his help, I worked the steps. It was not fun, and at times it seemed needlessly intrusive. But I did it, as much to look good as to keep from making a bee line to the nearest liquor store.

I discovered that my past was something I could make peace with, that I was in fact capable of being there for others with no expectation of anything in return. As weeks became months it dawned on me that what I heard was true - there is a difference between abstinence and sobriety. That serenity is possible even when the proverbial crap is hitting the fan, and that through honesty, acceptance and love for others, I actually grew to like who I was and had many real friends for the first time since I was a teenager.

So, what changed? I stopped living my life as though it were a dress rehearsal. I have become a friend to many, and have helped others get through the occassional trauma. I do not linger in the past nor do I obsess what tomorrow will bring, I have peace. It's pretty amazing to think that all I really wanted was to stop drinking. Thank god that's not what came to pass.

flujays

Thank you for your post... it was beautiful and inspirational. It's friends like you who will keep me coming back here. I hope to be able to inspire someone too one day. Today is day 2. I will not drink today.
Thanks again.

avocado

i'm about 90 days or so in, not quite sure of exact number but the last time I drank was december 21st.

the main things i've noticed:

my skin is clearer, less breakouts
i'm more focused on my various creative projects
i have less anger, depression and anxiety
i am eating better, in general

Ptcapote

Simply beautiful post.

Thank you for this.

fantail

Courage, great description. I'm at a bit over a month and I feel similarly. Which is to say... I feel profoundly uncomfortable and uncertain, but in the best possible way. My creativity, my energy, my intelligence... all the things that I was tranquilizing away... are waking up, looking around, and saying "oh no no, this definitely isn't enough, we're going to have to do more here."

I'm expecting to continue being uncomfortable for a while yet, but I know it's going to lead me to new and interesting places.