enoughnow10

Hi everyone,
I have been browsing the forum for a couple of days and have decided to sign up as I have accepted I now need desperate help.
Im in my early 30's. I have been a binge drinker for 15 years. Gradually my alcohol tolerance has been eradicated. Pretty much my whole social life revolved around going out with friends usually on a weekend and getting drunk down the local pub/bar. In my late teens, early 20's this was fun, it was the norm, and I had more good experiences than bad. My friends however have all moved on from doing this and will go out only occasionally and have a nice normal evening with no problems...... I can't. If I go out for one drink I cannot stop. I will go out on my own to the bar just to drink. I will stay drinking in the bar until I cannot stand, cannot talk, and make an utter fool and disgrace of myself. I have been hospitalised twice with bleeds due to drinking nd this has not stopped me. I have managed to go 2/3 months without a drop and then in spectacular fashion I will go out for a drink, and drink, and drink. I turn into a monster. I am the opposite of my sober character. I hurt my family and turn into a completely different person. Last week my young daughter witnessed me returning home late at night shouting, swearing, and falling around the house. I have never ever felt so ashamed or low as I do now. This was after I fooled myself into thinking I could go out for the afternoon for 1/2 pints to watch the football and then come home. I couldn't. My last drink before this episode was before Christmas and New year and I had until last week felt better because of it. Nobody in the bars I visit are actually my friends (unless I actually arrange to meet me oldest friends in there), if I bumped into the bar drinkers in a supermarket sober I would have nothing else in common with them to chat about....but once Im in these bars I chase the next drink like my life depended on it and cannot leave until I either get thrown out or the bar shuts. After last week where I was thrown out of the bar after ending up being attacked myself and fighting not one of the regulars in there have contacted me to see how I am.
I want and NEED to stop all together. I no longer want to fool myself into thinking I can go out and have 1 or 2 drinks and have a nice evening and come home....I cant. Sooner or later I will end up arrested with a criminal record and probably lose my job and my family, thats if I dont end up getting injured or having another bleed and this time it being irreversible. I never drink at home, I don't even have one beer in the house. But put me out of the house near alcohol and something triggers in my head and I cant stop. Thank You for taking the time to read my condensed story. This is my last chance before I lose everything I value in life.

hypochondriac

Welcome to SR enoughnow10 You've come to the right place. Have you thought about getting any support to quit before? Either with the NHS or AA? I quit with the support of SR but at some point down the line I felt like I needed to meet people in my area who were sober too so went to AA for a bit and went to my local drug and alcohol agency too. It really helped me and especially at AA there is a sense of camaraderie that you just don't find in pubs. Not in a genuine way anyway. Glad you're here x

0percentABV

This is pretty much too a T what I remind myself everyday. I take comfort in knowing I am an alcoholic and I cannot drink. Seems you're past the confusion stage and into the acceptance stage. Keep reading and posting on here. Seek outside help. Change up your routine. Eat well and exercise and keep looking forward. You can do it.

enoughnow10

Thank You.
Yes I have thought about support previously, but after a few days of "after drinking depression"...I fool myself into thinking Im strong enough to manage it and that I can control it.

I have joined on here to help me through those days where the temptation arises or when the social events with real friends are approaching (eg. tips on avoiding, what to say etc). I would consider the AA certainly, this is my first step today and I will build on it I hope.

And 0percentABV - You summarised my ramblings in two lines haha, and Thank You

Dee74

Welcome aboard enoughnow

D

shauninspain

Welcome enoughnow - There is no doubt that you have struck gold by registering on here. I am from the UK as well but currently living in Spain. Much of what you said strikes a chord with me. It's odd but we all seem to share the exact same underlying attitudes/reactions/feelings towards alcohol.

- The inability to leave it alone after a drink or two.
- The usual chaos at the end of the night/day. Fights, arguments, rages, insanity.
- The obsession that 'this time' we'll drink like other people.
- Personal problems (physical and mental) associated with drinking.

For me the drinking is only the tip of the iceberg, and the attempt to anesthetize myself. 5% alcohol problem, 95% living/thinking problem. On closer inspection you may well find out that you are the same.

Pride, lust, insecurity, anger, envy, jealousy, self-pity, greed, self-centerdness, fear, dishonesty, sloth, impatience

They rear their ugly little heads all throughout my day. And I drunk to get shot of them.

Marcher13

enoughnow your story could be mine except I drank at home or in restaurants. No matter how many times I told myself it would be one or two it was always three to six. I'd stay up late to drink on my own, I'd expect to get by on a few hours sleep and I wondered why my health continued to deteriorate. Just five more minutes ten times every morning after the alarm went off, days off work, acid reflux, headaches, irritability, unaccountable anger were constant companions.

I'm 57 so I could either get my act together or expect liver problems and worse blood pressure problems. The last 12 days of sobriety may only be a few but they have been the most incredible incomparable days of living an ordinary life.

enoughnow10

Thank You all.
Yes Shaun I do have a self-destructive streak about me. Always have.

Stupidly when I was alot younger I always found myself fond of the flawed characters in society, the likes of George Best, Gazza, David Bowie and the like....as if this was something to aspire too and in a silly way quite cool.

Marcher - I have also had the same constant companions - but very quickly I forget about them when the opportunity arises to have that drink and the inevitable binge.....this time I wont forget.

I just read a brilliant post on 'moderation' and why it is not possible.....and it was there in black and white exactly why moderation is just not possible for me. EVER.

This is day 2 on this forum and its very uplifting to know that Im not the only one with the same experiences. I feel very grateful for landing here.